Before you start reading, I have made this quite detailed so it does sound like I’m nit picking a little bit, but just a note beforehand that I did say that I am harsh when I am reviewing.

Title; 3/5

Truth be told, titles are essential to a story, no matter how much some people over look it; if a title is not interesting why would they choose to read it? I find your title tantalizing and it’s quite tangible, but in my opinion it’s quite misleading. When regarding your choice of title, I tend to waver towards the fantasy or mythical type story, and only after reading your foreword did I realise that you were actually basing the title on your main character that behaves like that. Although I get where you are coming from, it’s a bit non-related in some aspects. There’s nothing wrong with it, I just find that when you are talking about someone who has that typical harsh, cold exterior, there’d be other more suited words to describe them. Overall, I’d say that it fits – sort of – but it’s not the best fit.

Foreward & Description; 4/15

I can sense that you know what you are talking about when it comes to the story, and I do find the concept of it very interesting. But here’s one thing; I just can’t read a foreward when the grammar is all over the place. There’s nothing wrong with what you are trying to portray, but simply the little errors in there really steer me away from wanting to read it.

Let’s start with the first sentence;

Horikita Maki is one of the financial executive in one of top firm in Tokyo.

I cringed, when you say something is ‘one of the’ that must mean there are more than one of that thing/object/person which means that whatever the noun following that phrase should be plural. It’ll look more like this;

Horikita Maki is one of the financial executives in one of the top firms in Tokyo.

Can you see that I also added a ‘the’, just think of it like this;

“One of the” is the phrase that you are trying to integrate into your sentence, it’s then followed by which ever adjective that you decide to use, for example; top, best etc. After the adjective, always make sure that the noun is plural.

Now we come to the next hurdle. I see that you’ve tried to write the entire forward in past tense, and I get that past tense if probably the most favourable tense to write in which is why I’m guessing you’ve chosen it. Here’s a bit of advice, I highly suggest that you don’t write all of it in the past. When you say “she was well known” the feeling that you’re giving the reader is basically that the event’s already happened and it’s conflictive with the previous sentence in which you are stating that she is one of the financial executives etc. When you are telling people about the story and the characters, try to use present tense as you are describing someone, which should be in present tense as that person is still like that. I don’t know exactly how I can formulate this so you can have a greater understanding, but what I suggest is that you use present tense for the descriptions and past tense for any excerpts you have.  

Also, what do you mean by ‘perfect works’? I was reading and then halted when I realized that it didn’t make sense. Work the word itself is not just one thing, same with the word person, you can’t just add a ‘s’ at the end and assume it’s plural. Persons, and works aren’t words that you can easily use. Let’s give you an example, if you were to visit an art gallery and you were admiring many pieces of art work someone could say “look at the works of art” works would be valid in the context as it is basically implying one piece of artwork – hint hint – is only one piece of work, therefore you can say ‘works’. However in your foreward, it should be “not only because of her perfect work”, work in this case would account for all of the things that she has done as we are basically grouping it, so to speak. I don’t know if this kind of explanation makes sense, but it’s the best way I explain it.

Side note; toward in this context should be ‘towards’ with the ‘s’. Toward is such a fickle word as it’s another word much like work that depends on the situation. She is doing the action to someone else so it should be “coldness towards people who work with her”. I also made the work present tense.

Next point; “Being called as” that ‘as’ is completely unnecessary, it doesn’t need to be there. “Being called the Witch by her colleagues”. The sentence doesn’t need an ‘as’. Called is the verb that you are using so after that word should be the name of the noun, and in this case her pseudonym.

The beginning of the next sentence started to look up, until I noticed that the middle section made no sense. This section; “and that made she left alone without anyone love and befriend her.” We’re going to break this up and I’m going to explain why this doesn’t make sense. Firstly, “and that made she” if you say that without the rest of the sentence it makes absolutely no sense. ‘She’ is not valid in this context, you have to say “and that made her”. She and her work in different ways, ‘she’ is a subjective pronoun, when the prooun is the subject of a sentence then it is called a subjective pronoun, the subject pronoun may simply replace the noun in a simple sentence.

She was sad.

Horikita was sad.

She cried for days on end.

Horikita cried for days on end.

‘Her’ is a possessive pronoun, it is a possessive for of ‘she’, ‘her’ is also used as the object of a verb – in this case made – and preposion.

It is Horikita’s pen.

It is her pen.

Get it? :)

Second part of that sentence; “left alone without anyone love and befriend her.”

I could not even being to fathom the actual meaning until I started breaking it down piece by piece. Do you perhaps mean?

“Which made her lonely, unapproachable and let her with no one willing to befriend her”?

That is the only phrasing that I could come up with, I can see that you are trying to imply that she was left alone as in people avoided her, and ‘without anyone love’ could be written as ‘without anyone’s love’ as love has to be thought of as a possession in this sentence so you add the apostrophe and a s to show that it’s someone’s. However, if I were to pursue this meaning, then the ‘befriend her’ section would make no sense as in this context; we are implying that no one loved her.

Another interpretation is that you meant ‘without anyone to love and to befriend., which implies that she - herself - wanted to love someone and befriend people but they would not approach her, which to be honest sounds more plausible.

I seriously suggest that you reconsider how you structure this sentence, as unlike the rest of your foreward that only has some minor errors; this sentence makes no sense what so ever.

I have decided that I will number things from this point foreward to make things easier for you.

1.       Contrast to = it should be ‘in contrast to’ if you don’t feel like adding the ‘in’, another word that you could use – and perhaps might’ve gotten confused with this word perhaps – is ‘compared to’.

2.       “Popular with friends in his office.” Why. This is logic, if you’re friends with those people of course you’d be popular. You could’ve easily said that he was popular with people in his department. An office is just a room that you work in, and if you were just to say that he’s popular with the people in his office then he is most likely a loner as unless you share an office, you’re very often secluded and only you are in the office.

3.       “The man climbed extremely fast in the company hierarchy within three years.” Think of it like this; if you were to say that the man climbed the company hierarchy quickly, why don’t you just simply put, “The many climbed the company hierarchy extremely quickly within the span of three years”. When you mention that he ‘climbed extremely fast’ you put nothing afterwards immediately which leaves the reader often to think; what does he climb extremely quickly? This could lead to misunderstandings. Also, you can’t climb in a hierarchy, here’s a way for you to remember whether to use in or not, you climb a mountain, you climb in a cave, you climb a cliff edge, however you climb into bed. Simple

4.       “He was doing his best in gaining the top executive in the company”. Here’s two points for you; you can’t gain the top executive. The top executive is a person, tell me now; how do you gain a person? You can’t. Firstly get rid of the ‘in gaining, the ‘in’ shouldn’t be there, and ‘gaining’ is not the correct verb to use. You could use the infinitive version of achieve, I’ll come back to that later. We need to look at the end of the sentence first, I have already clarified that top executive is a person, however if you add the word ‘position’ at the end, it becomes the actual position of a top executive. Improved sentence structure “he was doing his best to achieve the top executive position in the company”

5.       “The story revolved between this two persons.”
“The story revolves around these two people.” That is the correct way of writing it out. ‘Revolves’ is the present tense, and it sounds so much more appealing and correct than using the past tense. To revolve is basically to spin, and that is a cylindrical movement, you spin around, you revolve around. They both work the same way. You can’t physically revolve between. ‘This’ is singular, ‘These’ is plural, you are talking about two people, hence you use ‘these’. Lastly, person is singular, you can’t just add an ‘s’ at the end and expect t to be correct. People is the plural version of person.
Lots of people.
One person.

6.       “Their fate never been crossed”. Please get rid of that ‘been’. The sentence functions perfectly well without it.

7.       “Love never came between two of them, even friendship or hatred feelings.” In the way you are discussing the happenings between the two people, love doesn’t come. It occurs.
“Love never occurred between them, neither friendship nor hatred.” That is the improved version. ‘hatred feelings’ doesn’t make sense at all, therefore, I had to get rid of the word feelings.

8.       “Which kept following her from behind“, you don’t need the from behind, when you say following, you are insinuating that basically something is on her tail therefore it has to be behind her.

9.       “Unable to breath”
You can take a breath.
You breathe in and out.

10.    “But, how long the two of them would run away from the reality which kept tailing from behind?” You need to add a ‘will’ after the ‘long’ and get rid of the ‘would’. The ‘the’ before reality is not necessary either, and a ‘them’ after the tailing would make it clear as to who reality is tailing.

11.    “How they were going to face the painful reality in front of their face?” You’ve already written “face the painful reality” you don’t need to mention that it’s in front of their faces. Also, because you are asking a question you need to use ‘are’ and not ‘were’.
“How are they going to face the painful reality?”
“How long are they going to deny the existence of each other within the other’s heart” When writing you have to be careful that a) you are structuring the question correctly, and b) you are making sure that you aren’t repeating things.

That concludes the foreward section. ._.

Readability; 3/15

The foreward got one more point than here as it provided some sort of substance, my reading standards are quite high so I often expect very fluid writing, and considering the many errors and mistakes in the foreward – and some even more minor mistakes in the story – I found that it distracted me a lot from the actually story, which is never a good thing.

Characterization; 7/10

I love your characters. Like seriously. They are just extremely entertaining to read about and I found that although they were extremely stereotypical, I still enjoyed the way that they interacted and talked.

Originality; 10/15

The idea of the man – I’m sorry, I am too lazy to type Japanese names today in case of any typos – being the one to climb the hierarchy is quite a fresh idea, but the female cold and harsh CEO type has been way too overused recently, and that’s where you lost the marks.

Plotline; 15/25

I love the concept of the story, it’s quite thrilling to read I guess, and it’s quite well developed, although I do find it a bit slow and drags on in certain areas, but then again; you shouldn’t expect fast paced stories all over the place. I know you want this to be detailed, but to be extremely honest, I can’t find much to fault it with. I like the way that this story flows and leaves me wandering what will happen next.

Structure; 10/15

I can tell that you’re a very keen writer and the way that you set things out and engage your audience is extremely impressive, so kudos points there. There’s nothing wrong with your style or spelling – thank heavens – and the language used is quite accurate, but you do have a long way to go still.

Additional comments; I enjoyed your story very much, and to be honest, I didn’t expect to. I found a lot of issues with grammar along the way which is why in these sections I highly recommend you to find a beta-reader or at least someone just to look over your work, perhaps use the grammar checkers online? I find that often with some writers, they get carried away with what they are saying, or perhaps are not native speakers so even though what they are trying to say may be very beautiful the incorrect bits just ruin it. I hope I don’t sound too harsh, I have tried to include the reasons why you need to do some things, and I have tried to explain most of them to the best of my ability, if you don’t understand anything please feel free to ask me or even better; google it. I’m sure google is a way better teacher than I am. I encourage you to carry on writing, and through the story I can see that you’ve improved immensely! Just keep on working at it, and eventually you’ll crack it. But just always make sure to check your grammar, and make sure you’re not repeating things again and again.

I’d just like to also mention that you should take care with your forwards in whatever story you’re writing. It doesn’t matter how good your story is, first impressions matter, so make sure that it’s flawless before unveiling it. :)

Overall Score; 52/100

I hope you’re not disheartened by your score, everyone has room to improve and I believe that you have a lot of potential. 

p.s. I know the layout is ugly. But this is copy and pasted from word. ; ; Thank you for requesting~