I’m not exactly happy right now. To be honest, I never was. I may smile a lot, but they mean almost nothing. Right now, I just want to talk about stuff that has happened this year. If you don’t like deep , don’t read this and gtfo. #bye

I found out that my bestest friends, they don’t like me. They hate my attitude, my sarcasm. Honestly, it seems as though, they really hate me. I feel like, they think it’s okay to hurt someone so badly. Have they thought about my feelings throughout the year?

Whenever they leave me out? Whenever they don’t wait for me? Whenever they talk as if I’m not there?

Sure, I may have hurt them. But I don’t hate them. I never have and never will. I don’t know how to make it up to them.

I feel pathetic because no matter how much they hate me, I still come running back to them. Sure, I may have other friends but they’re the only people who I feel comfortable with.

But you know what I found out just yesterday? They went out together, without me.

Okay, I sound really stupid and all but think about it. If your bestfriends made plans without you, how the would you feel? ing stupid right? Exactly how I feel.

It’s break right now and when school reopens, I won’t know how to react around them anymore. I’d be cautious with my every move. I don’t think I would talk anymore. I won’t talk unless spoken to. I’d be like that just for them, I rather put away my happiness than theirs. I’d do anything for them. Because they’ve been really kind to me, somehow.

I will change for them.

If I said, I didn’t try cutting… I’d be lying.

I know, there are people who have problems that are worse than mine but I don’t think I can handle this kind of pain anymore. When I was younger, I was bullied a lot yet I went through it all without a single mark on my goddamn arm. But I was crying inside.

Cutting doesn’t benefit me but I feel like it takes the emotional pain and just makes it physical. Don’t judge me because I cut, because you’re not perfect and I just wanted to let you know that, your time will come. You will feel so ing depressed you don’t feel like doing anything. You’ll feel like a ing burden to the people around you, you just want to ing lock yourself up in a room and cry.

I feel that way.

I don’t think happiness exist. Maybe it’s a ing illusion. It only exist to does who believe in it. Well, I don’t.

People come and go, it’s like life is just ing runway and we’re the models. From this, I just think that maybe in this world, you can’t trust anyone. You can’t love anyone. You can’t depend on anyone. Except yourself.

I’m so ing sorry if you feel disgusted. Well, I can’t make you laugh or smile every time. Didn’t you hear? Nobody’s perfect.

I think I’m done with this post right now. I can’t think about anything else.

If you’re reading this right now, thank you.

-          6^th December 2013, 2347