Hi. I'm not sure how many or who would be reading this, but this is rather something just for myself that I really needed to get out of my head. 

It's been a rough month for me. At the beginging of the month, I missed OGS LA (that was a given though, knowing my mother.) my teacher gave us two days to make a book trailer and my iMovie always quits every half a hour when I'm using it so it quit at least 12-20 times while I was trying to get it finished, I also had the "wonderful" idea of drawing every single picture by hand and when it comes to my art, I'm a perfectionist because I hold pride in my artist side. And we still haven't gotten the marks back for that yet, what's up with that....

On the 5th, we had a band concert. For some reason, every single band concert, I break one of my reeds (I play the oboe) and I have to panick to find another one. Like really, every single band concert, I've broken one. But the last band concert, SOMEONE BROKE MY ING OBOE! Like it snapped in half, broken! [top joint's cork got stuck in the bottom joint so the top joint snapped off, leaving the cork behind in the bottom joint] One of the things I hate most in life is changes. That oboe was one that I had since the begining of my playing carrer, it's the one that I played with at my first band concert, on the band trip, with my very best friends in the world. When someone broke it, I freaked out and nearly started crying (my damn pride stopped me) My band teacher told me that it would cost $200 CND to fix my oboe and it's not worth it. So I'm renting a oboe now and I miss my old one so much. My dad took my broken oboe and took it upon himself to fix it. My dad is so stuborn that he didn't stop trying to fix it even ater I got the rented one. He actually fixed it though.

But what's the funniest part fo the story, is that I hated the life out of my oboe; it was wooden (not plastic) which meant that I needed to keep it in a plastic zip lock bag which took an extra 30 seconds to pack up, and during band, I get really frustrated because I can't play the right ryhthms or the people around me are just being annoying. So when I get annoyed with something, I want to smash something, which meant that I wanted to smash my oboe because it was in my hand all the time. Now that it's broken... I WANTED TO DO THE SMASHING! Instead, someone (who still hasn't aditted it, I just want to know [so I can hate them for the rest of my life] and for them to say sorry) smashed it for me and I cried for at least an hour after the concert and I never cry.  

The 20-25th was the most crapiest days of Novemeber. I just spent the whole time running around and standing up and sitting down and dancing and working and it was just so mentally exaughsting. We also had a test on the 22nd.* and it wasn't fun, it was impossible to study for. I don't know what's up with me recently, but I can't find enough rest and my thoughts are always everywhere, like during math today, my math teacher told me and my partner what to do for one question, we both nodded and said "okay, I get it," after she left, my partner turned to me and said "did you get that?" Me: "Nooooooooo..." my brain was not with me today. 

(*we had 1 hour to do the test, [the day goes period 2, english, period 3, math. in periods 2 and 3, there's a "math" class and a "english" class and we switch classrooms in the next period.] and I finished in the hour so I left to the math room. [AND someone didn't return my pen that I lent him.] the door was closed so I figured that they were still working. Then one of the guys in that class opens the door and finds me leaning by the door. He asked me if we [my class] was done the test. And I was like "No, just me. The rest are still working." At that moment, the only thing I wanted to do was to sit down and cry bc the test went really badly and my brain was mush. But, he said "Oh." and shut the door on my face. It's funny but I was really tired at that moment so I was kind of pissed at him. :D And we still haven't gotten the test back...)

In the last week of Novemeber, that rumour about Myungsoo dating Doyeon was confirmed. I honestly haven't been in a fandom that my bias has been a real person and I liked him so much, so when I heard that news, my head went into a really different place that I've never been in before and to be honest, it scared the crap out of me. 

I was already hurt at that moment because the Friday before. On the 22nd, I had that stupid test, then after school, I had a long ballet class and then after I got home, I sat down and ate five mouthfuls of supper then I held a suprise birthday party for one of my friends that I haven't seen since a long time. As I was talking to her, she told me that the guy that I've had a crush on for the past 7 years, (no kidding seven years.) was starting to look at someone new and that they had mutal feelings and it was probable that he was going to date her soon. 

I've been friends with that guy for seven or so years and I haven't seen him since August and I really miss him. 

Then yesterday, one of my classmates who is close to my crush, told me that my crush is dating that girl. I actually did yell "WHAT?!" really loudly in the middle of the classroom while everyone was working. 

I know that technically, I've never been his girlfriend or anything more than a friend. Espcially in the last year, I've drifted away from him because we were in different classes, but I still had that soft spot for him in the past years and hearing that he, someone that I've known for a long time, is dating someone that he's known for maybe three months now, (wait, four, wow, time's gone fast)... it hurts so much. 

On my profile, in the personal message, tht poem that I wrote Because I Can't Let You Go was writen after I first learned that he might be dating someone. 

Now, I know that my classmate who told me can be a big troll but I can't help but get hurt hearing that news. 

I'm not so sure about December either, I just spent the last four hours trying to orginize my thoughts in a orginized way and I've listened to my playlist of song about four or five times now. We have a bake sale tomorrow (which on the announcements, it said that it was a 'ethnic book sale' not a 'ethnic bake sale' me and my classmates were laughing about that for the whole morning.) and a 15 minute endurance run in gym. Plus it's my time of month and stomach craps hurt so much and I hope one doesn't happen during my run. In this month, I get to do a project with this guy that I've hated and been annoyed by for the past 8 years. Not looking forward to that. We have a band concert next Wendsday, which I hope nothing bad happens that day again, (I dropped my rental oboe yesterday and my band teacher joked that I can't break that one too.) 

Aish. I hope that 2014 would hurry up. I don't want to see 2013 anymore. 

I hate to spend time in the dark, when I'm sad, I try honestly everything to make myself happy again because that's just how I work, but if I'm getting depressed, I can't dig myself out of the hole. I know I have "medicines" when I'm sad. 

My first one is talking to my best friend, Ali. She's literally my sister and I love the crap out of her. Recently, I haven't been able to talk to her since she's busy and now I miss the crap out of her. 

The second one is Infinite or music. Sometimes, I can just blast music in my ears and sing really loudly (and really badly, I feel really bad for my family who have to listen to my half sang [bad] Korean) and I can just bounce back up. Considering that I've just listened to Over the Top, New Challenge and Destiny about five times each, it's not helping me today. 

Another one is writing, which I'm doing now. I just like to write out all of my feelings and thoughts on my head sometimes. It helps a lot, if you feel like you have too many thoughts, it's a good way to get them out and somewhere else that isn't holding you up. 

A more recent one is you guys. All of my subscribers on Shot and my friends here, you always cheer me up. If I come back from a bad day at school, and I find an alert saying new subs or comments, I feel a lot better. You guys are so awesome, you don't even know. 

Thanks for listening to my problems. I wrote a short poem mostly just venting everything that was left from all of this ranting. 

I really hate feeling sad, and I need to feel happy again. 

That Much Easier

Sometimes I wish that I could just hate you,

It would be that much easier. 

Sometimes I wish that I could love you,

But the hurt is too much. 

The love,

The incoccence of childhood love,

Is something that I once gave to you. 

The love, 

The true thoughts of love now, 

Is something I'll hold back.

Because now I'm scared.

Because now I know the truth. 

Of how much it will hurt if I love you, 

How much it will hurt if you say no. 

You already said no, 

Although your lips never moved. 

It would be so much easier 

If I didn't know you. 

It would be so much easier,

If you loved me.

WhereTheAngelsFly 120313

Bie! I hope you all had better days than me!