Title: 3/5

First of all, the title is cliché, but not all cliché titles/stories are bad. Some stories are pretty good but the problem is people wouldn’t click on it as much, due to the title itself. As I always say “ the title is the eye-catcher, the foreword is the tempter, the story is the pleasure. ”  .So it might have failed in the first place, but it is still a good title. The title could pass off as a fluff or even an angst that will attract readers, which is good.

Description/foreword: 5/10

The description is a bit too simple. You could have written it about more important things or focus on the main character more and how she views the other characters. And it is also a tad bit unclear, some sentences I don’t understand and some are hard to comprehend. The foreword could have been written in a different order just to make things more pleasant. In one part of the foreword you mention “caused by that person” which person exactly? If you were referring to her changed being you could have stated it in a different way just so it would not confuse the reader. There were unimportant things or things that gave away too much information. Example, “Baekhyun became flirt. . .” it would have been more interesting if you stated it like this “Baekhyun changed. . .” this way it gives off more mystery making the reader want to learn more. Questions will pop up into the readers’ mind, “Why did he change?” or “What happened to him, what is the change?” and that is the beginning of being intrigued. I think the things you put in the description can be fitted into the foreword rather nicely. Like instead of just saying “Jiyeon and Baekhyun were neighbors since they were toddlers.” you could have added the little facts. Like this “Park Jiyeon, was a quiet and elegant young lady who was excellent in Taekwondo. Byun Baekhyun  was a stubborn, outgoing, rich-kid. Both have been neighbors ever since they were toddlers.” You could have put it somehow like that, eliminating the description and putting up somewhat of a significant line from the story as foreshadow to grab the reader more or leave that ending part about the promise. (note: Do not put or change anything into what I previously said, come up of your own new way to writing a new description. These are just merely suggestions/examples)

Character development/showcasing: 12/15

From what I read I see Jiyeon as a tough girl who does things her own way.  The showcasing is very good. I understand the characters’ personality/attitude really well and you never strayed away from their attributes. Clear showcasing of characters with a limited amount of flaws that make the character imperfect therefore, more realistic. The character development did not please me as much, I think the transitions were short and too fast. The way that the character would act in this scene varied his actions in the next. The way they acted throughout a little amount of time was too indifferent. First, he would be annoyed and then feel love, I mean there is nothing wrong with that, but if it happens to fast or changes quickly the character would be lifeless to the reader, unrealistic probably.

Appearance: 2/5

I like the colors blue and pink. They are the real indicators of fluff. I would prefer a lighter take on the too colors to make it fluffier and more pleasing to the eyes. The poster, I shall not criticize much because I am reviewing the story which is by you not the poster by a different artist. But all that I will say is that it too could have been lighter maybe more on the pastel side? But the appearance is good. The only thing I noticed in the body/chapters in the story is the changeover of the scenes. The way you wrote it is like this:

AT SCHOOL

Which is actually disturbing. I know you just want to make the reader understand the change of scenery and imagine, but there are certainly many other ways to write the changeover.

At school. . . ( continuing from the ellipses with a description of the school)

start with a small description of how the school looks like

(at school)

The former example I prefer and the later is okay.  

The size of the spacing and fonts is awkward.

 

Originality/plot: 12/20

I just had to give you almost half the score because it was just too cliche’. The way you typed it and its order is so typical. From when they got to school to when they got home, it’s like every other highschool love story here on AFF. How Baekhyun acts towards Jiyeon is very predictable. I do like the idea that its not the typical arranged marriage way where they have to marry due to only company issues but it also had a twist because of an old promise.

Flow: 7/10

The flow is actually pretty good but, it isn’t complete yet so I’m finding things are going too fast. The promise has no significance because of the speed of the story. I think you need to slow it down and write more thoughts and go through the characters more and how they are actually like and how they are feeling. I believe you can express it more and adding extras here and there will never hurt.

Grammar/Spelling: 8/15

Your main problem in this category is your tenses. Throughout the story the tense goes from past to present which is really confusing. Second some of your sentences are redundant. And lastly your grammar needs a bit of work. Then there is the usually mistakes with capitalization and punctuation.

 

Example:

Original: "Omma! Appa! I'll go to school first!" Jiyeon exclaimed to her parents as she climbed down the stairs. She bowed politely to them and went outside her house to wear her shoes. Jiyeon has always been like that, going to school early for no reason. Just to be early. "Yah! Wait for me!" Jiyeon's older twin brother, Junsoo yelled as he takes a piece of toast and quickly puts in his mouth and chased her to the door of their house. Her parents were already used to the both of them like this on mornings. "We're gonna be late, Oppa." Jiyeon frowned.

 

How could he chase to the door if she was already outside?

 

 

 Original: "Omma! Appa! I'll go to school first!" Jiyeon exclaimed to her parents as she climbed down the stairs. She bowed politely to them and went outside her house to wear her shoes. Jiyeon has always been like that, going to school early for no reason. Just to be early. "Yah! Wait for me!" Jiyeon's older twin brother, Junsoo yelled as he takes a piece of toast and quickly puts in his mouth and chased her to the door of their house. Her parents were already used to the both of them like this on mornings. "We're gonna be late, Oppa." Jiyeon frowned.

 

In one sentence you used past and present tense. Takes being present and yelled being past tense.

If you were to write it in present you would have used “yells” and “takes” but I see you use more past tense so it would be “yelled” and “took”

 

Original: "Omma! Appa! I'll go to school first!" Jiyeon exclaimed to her parents as she climbed down the stairs. She bowed politely to them and went outside her house to wear her shoes. Jiyeon has always been like that, going to school early for no reason. Just to be early. "Yah! Wait for me!" Jiyeon's older twin brother, Junsoo yelled as he takes a piece of toast and quickly puts in his mouth and chased her to the door of their house. Her parents were already used to the both of them like this on mornings. "We're gonna be late, Oppa." Jiyeon frowned.
 

Her parents were already used to the both of them being like this in the morning.

 

Original: "Omma! Appa! I'll go to school first!" Jiyeon exclaimed to her parents as she climbed down the stairs. She bowed politely to them and went outside her house to wear her shoes. Jiyeon has always been like that, going to school early for no reason. Just to be early. "Yah! Wait for me!" Jiyeon's older twin brother, Junsoo yelled as he takes a piece of toast and quickly puts in his mouth and chased her to the door of their house. Her parents were already used to the both of them like this on mornings. "We're gonna be late, Oppa." Jiyeon frowned.
 

 

 

"We're gonna be late, oppa." (oppa is not a proper noun therefore it does not need to be capitalized)

 

Extras: If you’d like I could help as a beta-reader. J I have a shop where you can request. This has great potential especially with that “old promise” twist. If you set your mind to it and put in heart I’m sure your story will be a great success! Good luck! And continue writing! J