Story Title: "I Love You, You Know?"

Author: SS_7201

Story Link

 

Title: 3.5/5

So, I gave the title a 3.5 out of 5 because it's not bad, but it's not the best! I think the title is very generic and cliche, it does not catch my attention. If it isn't eye-catching, I don't think many people will end up looking at your story. It's wrong to judge a fic by it's title, but people do it anyway. For your story, maybe something to do with the whole fact that it's kind of like a love triangle between Sungjong, Jiyeon, & L. In the future, try something slightly shorter that still fits the story well. 

Description/Foreword: 5/10

The description is alright, although it's a bit too revealing. The abstract (description/summary) is supposed to be something that tries to pull a reader in and keeps them hanging. In yours, you let everyone know exactly what happens and it shouldn't say that much. My personal suggestion on cutting your description would be something along the lines of this: "Jiyeon, a new student in college, has lots of troubles; and it's only her first day. She meets her new best friend IU, gets bumped into by the popular boy Donghae, re-united with her childhood friend Sungjong whom she doesn't remember, and falls for Myungsoo someone she shouldn't fall for. Will he like her back? Does she ever confess?" You see what I mean? Less of telling us exactly what happens in the story, more of a smaller summary.

Character Development/Showcasing: 13/15 

Your character development is actually really good! I like how you showed what Jiyeon was thinking after Krystal tried to slap her and how Krystal was feeling about L & Jiyeon being friends. It showcases their emotions pretty well, in my opinion. But the thing is, there are some characters that are kind of just "there" because I don't understand their personalities enough. Donghae and IU to be exact. With IU I get her feelings slightly, but at the same time I don't because there's not a lot about how she feels in the story. Maybe try switching the POV up at one point and make it IU's POV? But, I think the reason I don't understand Donghae is because he hasn't shown up a lot yet, just the food accident. Just make sure in the future when he shows up again that you don't forget to express how he feels about situations. Feelings help develop characters and allow the readers to get a clearer thought on how the characters act and think about things.

Appearance: 2/5

I do not like the appearance at all, mostly because the colors you use on the text are way too bright and hurt my eyes while I am reading. I understand what you are trying to do with the colors for people talking, but please just use darker colors or don't do it at all. Especially with Sungjong, omo. I can't read what Sungjong is saying unless I highlight it with my mouse. ;; I also don't like the really bright background, it's distracting because there is so much going on at once. Maybe a one or two color solid background would help, rather than the flashy gif background you have. If you want people to read your story, they need to be able to sit through the chapters without hurting their eyes. Flashy colors just throw people off, and your story is quite good eventhough English is your second language! We don't want people to not read it because of the bright colors and stuff, right? So just try to tone them down a bit. Also, you don't need to throw pictures in to let readers know what the people are wearing or find, for example; that part in the amusement park with Sungjong and Jiyeon. You put a picture of the Mickey & Minnie headbands, but you should just describe them instead of showing everyone. 

Originality/Plot: 5/20

I feel like such a mean person right now, but I'm not... I swear! (´；д；) I gave you a 5 for originality because it's just a really common story that you see all over AFF. Nothing about it really makes it unique, you know? The usual childhood friends, mean girls, love triangle, mean guy that hits into her and doesn't say sorry. It's a very predictable plot line. Typically in these stories, the poor childhood friend doesn't end up with the girl and the hot popular guy does. If that was your story, I'm so sorry for ruining the plot line for those who are reading this review. But I think you should do something a little more creative! Add a plot twist! Some cool plot twists would be like... Maybe Sungjong actually doesn't like Jiyeon and likes L? Haha. Unless you don't approve of homouality, then you could try something else. Just add a creative twist to your cliche plot! You still have time to do so, I promise. Try your best to get something that stands out more than every other story on AFF and it'll get you more views than you already have.

Flow: 9.5/10

I think your flow is pretty good! The story flows nicely, there really aren't any things that are confusing in the plot line at all. The only reason you didn't get a 10/10 and got a 9.5/10 is because I wasn't entirely sure if Krystal slapped Jiyeon or not. I think you should have been clearer on that. I read that L stopped her from slapping Jiyeon, but then Jiyeon goes on about how she got slapped. It's the only thing I can really nit pick at for this part! I feel like you might need to go back and fix that for future readers. But you don't have to if you can manage to make sure you make it clear on whether she was slapped or not further in the story.

Grammar/Spelling: 6/15

I honestly think your spelling and grammar is pretty good since English isn't your first language. But, it's a 6/15 because you weren't too creative with your words and you has a lot of typos that you didn't fix. But, don't be down! English is my first language and I am here to help~ (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ♡ First, you use the words "said" and "replied", but that's all you use. Of course it's alright to use those words, but you need to mix it up every once in a while. There are 550 other words for said! I would list some but it's easier just to let you see this list of them. Don't use those words all the time, you definitely still need to use the classic word "said", but just add a descriptive word/statement afterwards. There are some of them on that list of word alternatives, but an example would be "Jiyeon said softly." or "Jiyeon said with a glint of jealousy in her eyes." to be a bit more creative with it. See how much better that makes the sentence rather than plain old "Jiyeon said."? Now, there are some sentences in your story that didn't make the best sense, but people reading would understand!

Your sentence: "I said as I wore my shoes and started walking or running to school." My suggestion: "I said as I put on my shoes and walked out the door, rushing to school." (The reason why is you said "walking or running". Is she walking or is she running? You have to choose one. And rather than "wore my shoes" you should say "put on my shoes" because "wore my shoes" in this case doesn't make any grammatical sense.)

 

Your sentence: "If you could-'' I said until she cut me." My suggestion: "If you could-" I was saying, until IU cut my sentence short." ("Until she cut me" would literally mean that IU just cut her with a sharp object. ^^;)
 

Your sentence: "I said as I rub my tummy." My suggestion: "I said, rubbing my stomach afterwards." (For one; "stomach" would be a better term for "tummy" because it's the proper term. There's nothing wrong with tummy, but only if someone is saying tummy out loud. Use stomach when it's an action done by a character. Also, I changed "as I rub my tummy" to "rubbing my stomach afterwards" because you seem to say "as I ___" too much. Try saying that she did something and then spoke. It's alright to use "as I ____" but only if she's really speaking as she does something!)

 

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