There are several things in my life I wish I could just forget.

I wish I could forget pain, sorrow, sadness... I wish I could be different. I wish I had a better life. I wish I had lived in another place. 

But it just seems like fate wasn't going to be happy that way, so he put me on my shoes and, done.

There are also those things I would not like to adress.

And this is one of them.

I met Judit back in 2005. I was a lonely girl who didn't even got people to approach her. I was a first class loner, you see.  But somehow, she found something fun in me and decided to befriend me. I was 8 at the time, she was 12. But age didn't matter. It was like we had this kind of connection you rarely see. Me, being an older sisterm thought it was good to have someone older as  friend. Someone who, more or less, could guide you a little through life.

We didn't see each other very often, though. Still, we were bestfriends. Gosh, I remember that time when she told me about her crush. We giggled like little girls while talking about that boy !

How I miss those times.

Then, an old friend from Portugal came to Spain and we started getting closer to her. Even though Judit was my best friend, I began seeing her less and less and it actually made me sad. But since I was quite engrossed in school, I just snapped out of it and decided to go on with my life. Those short 5 minutes I would see her helping the recepcionist at her parent's driving school were gold and diamonds for me.

During that time, I slowly began to lose contact with her.

I spent most of the time with my other friend, and, since she had just gotten to the country, I would help her with the languages and school matters. We hanged frequently, most of times, in my house.

My mom was a close friend of Judit's mom, because they worked together. Actually, that was how I got to meet her.

My mom once came home and commented me that Judit looked sick. Since it was winter, I quickly dismissed it and kept thinking it was a cold. She was doing physiotherapy for some problem she had on her back, and, despiste the treatment, the pain grew bigger. Of course it worried me, but since I was going through the same kind of treatment and I knew the pain of it, I just said,

'Nothing supernatural'.

I think I only understood how bad the whole situation was that day she came to me, crying.

" I have cancer. "

I thought my illness was terrible. I thought I had seen everything already. 

Until the day I went with her to chemotherapy.

It was horrible.

That day is a day I do not want to remember. Do not ask me what's done in chemotherapy. You know it well enough.

They didn't let me enter her room. But I wasn't dumb to not know what was going inside of there. I had my own share of personal experience out of it, besides, my grandfather's older brother had passed away from cancer when I was just a kid.

That day, it just happened that we both had treatments in the same hospital that same day and we kind of, just supported each other emotionally. There were those few times we would coincide, and we would smile, despite everything.

She had her cancer removed in November, 2007. It had re-appeared before, and the surgeons had successfully removed both.

Even though I was still getting treatment for my illness, she would insist to go with me to the hospital sometimes. I was so happy that she wasn't wearing a wig anymore. I remember that she even threw it to the bin in an act of pure uncounciousness. I laughed at her like I hadn't in years.

She was gaining colour and happiness after two excruciating years. Her hair was growing again and she would ask me to touch it, so that I could feel it growing. I would tell her that it was just fine, and she replied me back, " I wish I had your hair ! "

She was in 9th grade back then. Sometimes, she would invite her other friends over and we just would have out girly talks. I just was a 5th grader. Despiste my shyness around them, we made a pretty amusing crew. It was fun while it lasted.

Last time I talked to Judit was the 12th of July, 2008. She called me saying she missed me and she told me about her adventures in the beach with her parents and her other friends. I remember myself pouting all the time, saying " It's unfair you have fun without me ! ". I noticed she was coughing throughout the call, so I told her, " Hey, you spend too much time in the water at night ! You're catching a cold already ! "

She laughed faintly at me, and breathed heavily, before saying,

" Escolta, he de penjar. Demà et truco, val ? T'estimo Mari ! "

Listen, I have to hang up. Tomorrow I'll call you, okay ? I love you, Mari !

The following day, I went to my birthcity, Aveiro, with my grandfather, because of some medical exams I had to do. As soon as I came home, I asked my grandmother if someone who spoke in spanish had called. She said no, and I frowned. I decided to give it a try so, I went on and called her.

Number out of reach.

Guess what ?

She never called again.

A couple of days went by and my parents called me to check on me and my sister. As soon as I got to speak with my mother, I greeted her happily. However, her reply was just a mere,

" Do you know whose funeral I attended today ? "

I just laughed awkwardly, thinking it was a grandpa or a grandma she took care of.

" Judit passed away a couple days ago, honey. "

I never visited her grave.

I never went to her house again.

I don't even want to get near to it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not being there. I'm sorry for being dumb. I'm sorry for thinking you had a cold. I'm sorry for not telling you how much I loved and cared for you. I'm sorry for not spending my holidays with you. I'm sorry that we never got the chance to go to the beach together. I'm sorry I missed your birthday because of a stupid back ache.

I'm so sorry.

I think about her everyday. I wonder how she's doing. Is she okay ? Does she hear my thoughts ? Read what I write ? Listen what I say ?

Even though it was so hard for me, I decided I had to forget her and move on. Just keep the good memories and push the bad ones out of my mind. Everytime I think about her, I don't remember her half bald, just a step away from putting on a wig. I remember her gorgeous smile, her hearty smile, and how she laughed when I said a stupid joke.

Losing your best friend is like losing your sister. A part of your heart dies, but the other part of your heart needs to keep alive so that you can move on.

Make new friends.

Live your dreams.

Live your life to the fullest.

Learn to forget.

Learn to love.

Learn to cherish life's little things.

Life is too short to be wasted and too fast to be lived.

"People were cold and distant about my friends' deaths... They even weren't worried about them in the most minimal way. I felt like my life was inexistant after seeing my friends departing, one by one." - BIGBANG's TOP.

Judit, your death was not in vain. Sincerely, Mari.