Not feeling good

So there is literally no one who actually reads my blog so I'm going to spill.

I officially hate myself. 

To be honest, it's been building over a period of time and I've been getting more and more depressed as the days go on. In my school, I'm disliked by many because I'm a nerd and a fangirl and not popular. Usually, I can deal with this very well and am good at ignoring these people but lately it seems like the number who dislike me is growing. On my report card for the first quarter, I got "satisfactory" instead of "excellent" for four classes on citizenship/effort. I have a 98 GPA, I'm in all the AP classes possible, I try so hard! I thought that teachers would notice that but they don't. Why am I so repulsive? One of my friends told me that to get "excellent" I need to be studious and quiet. It hurt me a lot and it also depresses me that people don't see me in that light, especially my friends and my teachers. I don't know how to become a likable person without changing who I am and what I stand for. Later, a friend of mine told me that she can't really find anything likable about the character I'm writing for NaNoWriMo - the character I modeled after me. She literally went off on a spiel about how much she hates my character and how she has no redeeming qualities. I really don't know what to think. Sometimes, I feel the same about myself and since this was her honest opinion on my character who is basically me, I wonder what my friends really think of me. Am I so repulsive that even my friends hate me?

I sound melodramatic and whiny and I hate that but at least no one is going to read this and know how horrible a person I am. I just... I just really need something happy to remind why I like who I am occasionally but that seems like a tall order right now. Tomorrow, i'm going to go to school and pretend everything is normal and that I'm a happy person who has no troubles. Maybe if I keep this facade up for long enough, it will stop hurting so much.

In the very off chance that someone is reading this and has managed to get this far, do you guys have any fic recommendations for me or funny variety shows/radio interviews? I like SHINee the most but at this point, I'd like anything at all to somehow make it a little bit easier.

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YukiRyuu #1
I'm sorry this is a little late but:

A-yo, when it’s tough
Doong tah dak, lean on the rhythm, oh
With our song for you
Everyone a-yo, everyone a-yo

A-yo, when you can’t sleep
Tap brush it off, leave it to the rhythm, oh
With the anticipation of the unfolding tomorrow
Everyone a-yo, everyone a-yo*

[Taemin] Your IQ is two digits, test scores are also two digits
School rank is three digits, why in the world, why, why
[Key] Throughout the entire day, only nagging returns
What are you doing at your desk today, why why

[Jonghyun] During this breathless day
Even if there’s no place to rest, oh, oh
Never become weak, ah, ah
No way, no way

[Onew] Even if there’s no one
To understand your grieving heart, oh, oh
Never give up, ah, ah
Your way, your way

I think I've been in your shoes more than once. It's very easy for me to empathize with you. . .because that's basically me right now. But please keep fighting okay? I am. No matter how tired I get, I always will. Because there are lots of people out there that I need to prove wrong.

I will always fight.

And I expect you to be there fighting right along side me :)
<3
MinMiShine94 #2
awww poor baby I feel sorry and trust me I know how it feels I got bullied when I was in school and I almost turned to pills for my depressions and I get migraine a lot during that time I know this is a hard situation to be in but I hope you'll hang in there trust me I did and eventually u found friends that accepted me for me as for your friends honey I learned this the hard way but people who can't accept who you are really aren't your friends and you're better of without them trust me with this one as for school well the way I see it you're pressured and our brain works better without pressure hey your "friends" say you need to be quite and studious they don't know how wrong they are just lay back and have fun when you're studying something and you'll be fine take time off to cool your brain and you'll be fine well here's a little encouragement for you SHINEE also went through hell and look at them now just do what you love and have fun doing it and lastly I know you might not believe me now but you have a lot of people here supporting you so chear up k ^.^
Violet_Arc #3
I don't want to sound terrible, but since I don't know you at all outside the fellow shawol status, I'm not going into hasty judgements. For one, why not introduce NaNoWriMo to more people? Maybe someone would point our her (and also your) strengths, instead of picking on the weak points? Don't worry, everyone's got at least one likable area for every unlikable one!
fullmoonsyn #4

Aww honey, you can't think that way! I know sometimes life seems impossible, believe me, I've been there, but you have yet to grow! I'm not sure how young you are, but you seem much younger than me (I'm guessing highschool?) Highschool for people like us, but it gets much better, we are much more appreciated for who we are in college. So don't give up!

Read these, they'll make you feel better: http://pateshie.livejournal.com/4617.html

http://albireon.livejournal.com/2048.html

And watch these, because they're just way too ridiculous/cute NOT to smile at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEgqXIl8QqU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=op-oM56xIuM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0TA3dE8m2w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88y5LD9_trc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNwIwNDRN2o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQqtu6nKHOM

I hope this makes you feel better! *hugs* They're all SHINee related, the first two stories are even some light hearted onho that I personally love! I hope this makes you see people that care about you, don't let others bring you down! <3 Hwaiting!
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