np: Breathe - G-Dragon

Hi hi~ How's everyone doing?

I'm doing this blogpost as I'm waiting for my sister to finish her bath so that we can both go to sleep. It has been so cold lately that even if I have all blankets in this house, I'm still trembling, so the only way possible will be for both of us to sleep together. Hopefully, I mean. It's my only and resource (?). I haven't been able to sleep at all lately, partly because it's damn cold, partly because I really just can't sleep. (np: Running Away - Standing Egg)

My mind has been a mess lately and I don't even know to whom should I lean to. At dawn, when I'm trying to sleep but I can't, I'm confronted with a deep feeling of...loneliness. I think that's how I describe it. I picture myself being hugged, a tight hug by this girl I told you about in my stories, (np: 레밍 - 뜨거운), or being comforted. Most of the times I make up dialogs in my head in which I'm talking about my weeknesses, for instance today, I pictured I had gotten a call from my brother that he was at the gate of the school building so I ran there, obviously happy, but then he had to go and I was really sad to the point of crying, and I ran back and hid in the washrooms but then she had noticed me and had followed me and, well, and then comforted me as I told her the whole story of being jealous to the point of wanting all my siblings to live with me together forever. (모래시계 - Standing Egg) I was actually really crying. I imagined myself being hugged by her, when I was only holding onto myself in a fetal position. It actually made me sad. I always end up crying. And this has been happening way too many times now. Be it hugging, kissing, while I just pour out my feelings, my weeknesses, my fears. But then- But then there's no one. No one. Then, I eventually get up from my bed and live my life as I'm supposed to live. Though- Night time will come back, and it is coming back, (np: 오늘은 - 성준) and I'm afraid. I wonder what's wrong with me. I wonder if this is really just loneliness. I'm hoping it is.

This past week I've been feeling really nostalgic. I kept being sent back to a few memories from high school, and how great friends they were, and how many great times we got to pass together. I even sent a text message to one of the girls I liked the most, not my best friend, thanking her for having such consideration for a non-smoker, while these new classmates just blow their smoke right in my face. Well, I can't blame them, of course, but my friend was really polite, they all were, and no matter from where the wind came, they always made (np: 숨은 달 - 해를 품은 달 OST) sure there was no smoke or ashes coming to me. How great is that? How great were they? So, obviously, I had to thank her. (np: 음성메시지 - 비에이피)

I'll try to change the subject. I've been feeling quite out of place lately. I know I should focus on college and paper work, but I have so many books to read, and I reach home so tired that I don't feel like doing any of it, and I end up not doing any of it. Pretty sure I'll be either failing most subjects or there will be some intense weeks following this day. It's probably this last one that makes the most sense. At least I'll try, I'm not going to fail the first semester, that's just- Nah, not happening. I'll work hard. 

I've also been wanting to write, but nothing comes out. Today I went through each and every on-going/started story and I had a bunch of ideas for a new one [TaeKai, anyone?], but I feel like writing in Portuguese. I don't know why. I somehow started writing Because I'm Stupid in Portuguese (Apenas Isso, please refer to last blog post), though a lighter version of it. (np: Arabella - Arctic Monkeys) I still don't know what exactly am I going to do with that story, I feel like adding in some action, some drugdealer background to Amber's character, and I may do so, but there's nothing indicating that on the synopsis, so that would mean I would have to change it and go from fluff to action. Mmm I don't think the readers (few, but growing) would like it. Let's see. I think I should just focus in school, but I just have to write. I must write. And I do write hihi. I've really been working hard for Because I'm Stupid, even if only in my mind. I want to do some fluff, complete story (np: 삐딱하게 - G-Dragon) and not just any cliché story about two high school girls falling in some type of forbidden love. I want to do more than that, I want to write about problems in life we face everyday - growing, thinking (and overthinking), relationship with parents... I still have to give a lot of thought into that. Just because I already have a few drabbles written for Because I'm Stupid, doesn't mean I should just start to write it mindlessly. I want it to be good. I want it to be my best story, since I don't have one so far. I know that for that I have to train my English a lot, and my course doesn't help considering it's only Portuguese Studies so I face Portuguese everyday instead of English like I *originally* wanted. I don't regret this, though. I'm enjoying it. 

(np: 너는 나의 봄이다 - 성시경)

I wanted to talk about how these 3 girls in my class actually look like they are like me in terms of likes and everything and how our thinking and amount of interest for the whole course and subjects is alike, and how spending Friday afternoon with them was awesome, but then I have these other 2 girls that I'm usually with, and it makes me sad how it's obvious I would be a lot happier with the other girls and I can't do anything about it but trying to slowly approach them. But hey, don't get me wrong, I like these 5 a lot. Of course, in that "group" of 3 girls there's the girl I've been having my full attention on, but I really want to be her friend, a good friend. For everyone. I just sneezed 3 times, I think a cold is coming, I can barely keep my eyes open, I should just go to sleep. (np: Aloha - Standing Egg) What's with so many Standing Egg songs in these last minutes? Well, they are good, so...

I also set myself a goal for next year: do the Santiago de Compostela way in a bike! I really hope I can achieve it, will be preparing myself after exams. Bathroom is now free, will now get ready to go to sleep, totally needing it. Hopefully it will be a great and cosy and warm night while cuddling with my sister hihihi~ Don't judge us, she's 11 and I'm an 18 year-old lonely teenager.

I'm off~!

hahahahaha np: Abandoned - 박재범

Thanks iTunes.