I'm still conditioning myself to review my notes. Our midterm examination in Teaching of Reading and Listening (ENGL85) and Educational Technology 2 (EDTC22) is tomorrow.

 

 

And I hate it when I’m not in the mood to review.

 

 

Right at this very moment, it’s raining so hard outside. I don’t know if there’s another storm that invaded my beloved country. I just pray for the safety of everyone.

 

 

 

The more the raindrops falling from the sky, also the greater time I am consuming staring at nothingness. There’s a strange feeling that keeps on bothering me the whole time I’ve been trying to push it out of my mind, but it’s futile. So the only thing I did is to grab a paper and pen, then write down what I’m feeling. I just need a confidant, or someone or anything where I can confide my feelings, perhaps. And not someone who will judge me or anything. I just want a listener.

 

 

 

And a paper, where I can write down my emotions and feelings without judging me questionably, already compensates my sorrows and mourns.

 

 

 

 

It was also raining hard when that particular incident happened.

 

 

 

 

Earlier, at the school, I decided to buy nuts, for I believed that nuts stimulates and sharpens one’s mind. And because it’s our midterm exam in Assessment and our professor is not yet coming, I went to the canteen to buy three packs of nuts. There, I was quite upset because the vendor in the canteen almost attends to a number of students without paying attention to me. I was like a ruined tape recorder, repeatedly saying, “Thre packs of nuts, please.” I looked like a retarded kid saying those for almost more than five times. At last, after almost putting my hand holding a coin in front of her face, she granted my undying wish.

 

 

 

 

After having my petty snack in hand, I slipped it on the pocket of my slacks, and walked through the lobby. I must get myself back at the room before our professor arrives.

 

 

 

As I climb upstairs, on the third last steps going up, he passed in front of me.

 

 

 

 

In just a matter of seconds, we glanced at each others’ eyes, with recognition but without warmness.

 

 

 

We glanced at each other as though we are stranger to one another.

 

 

 

He turned his attention away from me, and I look down on the ground.

 

 

 

 

 

A matter of seconds, yet feels like a lifetime. A matter of seconds but it had almost agitated me the whole day.

 

 

I don’t know why it had to be this way.

 

 

 

It caused me so much pain.

 

 

 

Who is the one to blame? I or he? The two of us? Or maybe, only me. I ignored him first this past few days, and he just did what I did to him so many times.

 

 

 

 

 

Is it really my fault? How can you put the blame on me? I’m just afraid of being fooled again by this very strange feeling I’ve been feeling for him for almost three years now.

 

 

 

I’m scared that with just only seconds of glancing at him and looking at his warm eyes and smile, I will be vanquished again. I will be defeated again and be constrained in my own stupidity and foolishness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But you see, the most frightening thing I didn’t want to embrace me again, is chasing me and echoing inside me, again.

 

 

 

 

 

With just one look at him..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In just a matter of seconds..