Fatal by nanasway

Title [5/5]:

The title is really original and is eye capturing because of the word fatal. The title contains only one word that’s strong and bold and holds a deep meaning. Using a one word title that’s strong and bold is a clever way to catch a reader’s eye.



Foreword, Description [18/20]:

There is a few grammar errors on here. But overall the angsty introduction is very well done. It’s very well organized and there’s not too much stuff on this page. It’s simple and to the point.

Error: If only she had known the consequences of falling for a loner boy everyone loved to make fun of and teased.

Correction: If only she had known the consequences of falling for a loner boy that everyone loved to tease and make fun of.

Error: Just because once he sees you show any kind of acknowledgement that he's there, he'll get attached to you and when he does; it'll just break your heart. 

Correction: Once he sees that you acknowledge his existence, he’ll get attached to you…..

Appearance/Poster, Background, etc [/5]: Exempt



Plot and Originality [13/15]:

The beginning gave a mysterious and confused feel to it. The reader had to keep reading in order to understand the introduction. The story was beautiful. I came to tears reading this story. It was beautifully written. I didn’t expect the story to come out so sad. The ending was the best. Although the story does seem to have some similiarities to movies/dramas, the plot itself was great. You turned something cliché into something of your own work.

Grammar, Spelling, Vocabulary, etc. [13/20]:

            There are a lot of grammar errors. First you need to re-read some sentences because a lot of sentences that were choppy. Some words needed to be plural. There are a lot of grammar issues that I cannot fix because it’ll take a lot up a lot of the review. It seemed like every sentence had an error. You need to re-edit your story. You have really good and original ideas but you don’t know how to phrase or word the things that come to your mind. The beginning of the story (first section) needs lots of help but the rest is fine.

Error: Read it when she's ready and Ginni hadn't been ready, not emotionally or mentally that is.

Correction: Ginni had to read the note when she was ready, but she wasn’t; not emotionally or mentally. Note: Putting the action before the object that’s doing the action is quite confusing. There’s a mix of syntax that’ll make the reader have to re-read the story over and over again.

Error: Walking down the smooth concrete covered in cherry blossom that blew from the cherry blossom trees lining down the road, she curled her short chestnut-brown hair behind her ear while looking at her feet. 

Correction: Walking down the cherry blossom covered concrete as the cherry blossom trees align with the road….. Note: There was too much words going on in this sentence. There’s no breath to take in between the words and you were trying too hard to create an image. Sometimes keeping it simple can help create an image if someone has a base to start from.
 

Error: Recently, she had found the courage to move on even with her heart into a millions of pieces, because even with a broken heart; you can. 

Correction: Recently she found the courage to move on with her heart that was in a million pieces. Anyone with a broken heart can find the courage to move on. Note: Watch out for your word choices and where they should be placed.
 

Error: Locking her hands together behind her lower back, Ginni glanced around the room with her dark chocolate-brown eyes. Eyes everyone commented on how they much the shape resembled a cat.

Correction: Locking her hands together behind her lower back, Ginni glanced around the room with her dark chocolate-brown eyes; the eyes everyone commented on how much the shape resembled a cat.

Characters [10/10]:
 

All characters are original (besides Lu Han) and didn’t seem to have any similarities with other characters of other stories.

Flow [10/10]:
 

The flow was great. There wasn’t awkward flashbacks or future telling. Everything happened in sections and in sequence.


Writing Style [12/15]:
 

I would say you need a few helpful tips but overall you are an amazing writer with an awesome train of thought. Your creativity is amazing. Keep up the good work!

Score: 81 out of 95 = 82%