i thought i was okay again. i stopped cutting for a while. that 1-2months. i looked at my scars and there was just this mixture of shame and pride. i know i'm never going to show that part of my thighs to anyone anymore. but i don't know what happened just two days ago. i don't even know what triggered it. i just did. i took out the blades again. since they were penknife blades, they were a little rusty and i was just super sad. i took out a new one from somewhere and i cleaned it. then i twirled it around my fingers, trying to remember how it felt to cut. so, i usually cut on my right thigh and so i did it again. around 3 normal cuts. when the blade was on my skin, my hand lightly trembled with anticipation and i remembered how much i liked the pain. then i looked at my left thigh and asked myself why i never cut there. so my mind was telling me 'oh that just do it there too then.' and so i did. i guess there's something super wrong with me. that's okay. no one cares anyway. they just put up a fake front and go like 'oh babe stop cutting, it gets better!' what do you know about it, ? you haven't gone through the same things, you don't know how it feels, you don't know how hard it is to fight yourself. people get their abuse from school, bullies and all. mine comes from my home. my sister wants me to die, even my dog doesn't give a about me. my dad verbally abuses me all the time. sometimes he slaps me or hits me. you know how in singapore parents use canes to hit their children? my mum used to use a wooden spatula. my dad had the cane so i hid it. ended up being even worse. he used a plastic hanger instead. there was once he used a belt. i always try to be nice to my sisdter but she is the rudest person ever. she is also voilent. she has also, in a fit of anger, hit me with a hanger before. my sister learns taekwondo so sometimes she kicks me too. just in case you were wondering, she is younger than me. so yeah.

this is literally how it is except i can't ever cut my wrists becuase it's super hot here and wearing jackets over our school uniforms is discouraged. so next resort = thighs.