Okay, here's the review that you wanted. I've couldn't set it to 'Invitation Mode' as I could not find it. Well, let's start with the review. Do take notice that this is not my regular length of a review because this is a one-shot and I can't say much like the foreword & description of the story.

So, let's start!

"No matter how hard Baekhyun tried to get Miyun's attention, he never received the slightest bit of it."

I found the underlined part a little odd in sentence structure. Slightest + bit in the scenario does not even fit in for me. I found it sounding so awkward when it is just at the beginning of the story.

'how hard' sounds funny too.

Well, this is just my opinion though or you may think that I am being paranoid here. So, I thought of a better way to phrase this sentence.

"No matter how Baekhyun tried to get Miyun's attention, he received nothing in the end."

I would prefer if you left out 'hard' as it sounds weird when it is put together with 'how' though lots of people talk and write like this these days.

"Though he received none, but a careless expression with no acknowledgment of his relationship."

Wow, you wrote two conjuction when there is just 3 words apart. I would not suggest that because again it sounds weird. Do make sure that when you use two or more conjunctions in a single sentence make sure that their distance are 'widely' apart.

"He received none but a careless expression with no acknowledgment of his relationship."

So I removed the first conjuction in the sentence for you. Wait, when I read the sentence above I thought the 'careless' that you were referring to was the clumsy type of 'careless'. Am I allowed to give you choices of words to change to? I guess so, if you think that they are not needed, then just don't edit this part when you are doing your 'corrections'.

"He received none but an emotionless and pale expression with no acknowledgment of his relationship."

"Though the tables turn on him and little did he know that Miyun had quitted her position as vice president two weeks later."

Since you have been writing for quite a while, (I'm certain that you started writing before me), have you ever understood what was the good points and points that you need to improve on for your story?

Well, I find that you write sentences that are too long. Many of your sentences are so long until it get sentence-structure errors. Try to read your one-shot after reading this review. Look at all your paragraphs. Though you made an effort to write short paragraphs(with long sentences), 85% of the story's sentences are very long.

This is where errors start to form. Well, when you write a lot in a sentence, you would tend to use a lot of conjunctions (this is not a bad thing but I want you to write in shorter sentences to avoid awkward-sentence structures.

Okay, let's resume on the sentence that I have copied from your story.

'Had' is already a past tense and 'quitted' is also a past tense and when both are put together, they form a 'tense' error.

It should be:

"Though the tables turn on him. Little did he know that Miyun had quit her position as vice president, two weeks later."

You can see that I am trying to cut a long sentence into half, which made it better.

"Byun Baekhyun was finally a senior and better yet, Miyun was in the same period as him."

Okay, what I want to say is 'better yet' sounds very odd to me. The next thing I want to say to you is that you must know that we have to be as specific as possible when writing. 'Same period?'

"Byun Baekhyun was finally a senior. The better fact is Miyun was going to be in the same class for the period as him."

Okay, try to be as specific as possible. We should not try to make the reader question themselves (this way) due to the vague idea you gave them. Try to make yourself clear of what you wish to say at all times. Since the reader cannot read your mind.

"Whispers begin to fill the room, as some of the students grew anxious of their unfinished homework."

I would suggest you to remove the commas because you have already a connector behind the comma. Or you could do it vice versa.

1) "Whispers begin to fill the room, some of the students grew anxious of their unfinished homework."

2) "Whispers begin to fiill the room as some of the students grew anxious of their unfinished homework."

"Baekhyun's arm raised high up in the air..."

I would prefer if you added 'was' in because it sounded so 'empty' without that.

"Baekhyun's arm was raised high up in the air..."

Wait, there is something I would like to tell you. It is very important. Do you remember the whole lot of dialogues you wrote in one part of your story? The part where Baekhyun congratulated Miyun.

Please seperate all of them into a paragraph each as it looks so messy and hard to read when you clump all the dialogues together. It seriously got me a while to read what you wrote in those dialogues and when I finish reading, my eyes was stinging. I saw those 'black and white' lines floating in the air.

So, seperate them all. I am going to do an example here with the first few dialogues here only. You edit the rest later.

"He slowly approached Miyun as she gently stuffed her belongings into her backpack."

I would do some changing here too because I just don't 'agree' on the way you phrase this sentence. Pardon me.

"He slowly approached Miyun, watching her stuff her belongings gently into her backpack."

Sorry for changing the sentence structure but if you prefer your version than mine, then by all means just ignore my example there.

This is where I would like you to change. The huge clump of dialogues.

"Uh...Miyun."He called the younger girl's name. (Wait let's do some clarifying here. On what evidence did you have in the story that Miyun was younger than Baekhyun when she was in the same class as here.) This is just how I felt that the realistic level wasn't there.

She looked up with a questioning look on her face. "Yes?" (Okay, here I would like to say something. If you stated clearly that shehated Baekhyun like the two men in the story, she shouldn't be so polite towards him.) Maybe you could give her a harsher tone. Like  "What?"

"I wanted to say...congratulations for getting accepted!"

This would be the end of this little 'demo' that I want you to have when you are writing with a lot of dialogues in one-shot. Please take this to heart and remember this.

Personally, I found the ending very sad and perhaps you could come up with a sequel that love is indeed limitless. Baekhyun couldn't stop that pain in his heart and he went all the way to find her. Ah, this is just an idea though but I loved the cliffhanger you gave in the one-shot though it wasn't very complete.

So, you have potential in writing. Ideas that are fresh and was developed like how you wished it would be. The vocabulary and grammar was fine, with a little mistakes that was minor here and there. The factor I want you to develop one is your sentence structure. This is a hard task, but it takes time to stop that mistake. 

Try writing in shorter sentences. Take this step by step. Do not make a sentence too long. Make sure that you do not have too many long sentences in the story. A few would be fine though.

Good luck in your one-shot shelf and I would support that 'shelf' as long as you continue updating there. Tell me if you need another review.

-Chey

(P.S: I want to know how you feel about this review so comment below. I want to know your thoughts so I can also improve in my reviewing. Tell me if this review was helpful towards your writing, or was it full or irrelvant stuff? Just comment below.)