Title: 4/5

Hokay. So I totally see what you’re doing here. Hmm…. Just trying to figure out how to word this. It’s kind of hard to decide what to say because you’re obviously going to get a mixed reaction from whoever reads your title, you know? You’ve got the people who are 13 & younger who are reading this going, “Yeah! 13 isn’t that young!”. But then you’ve got those people who are 14 and older who might have a totally different reaction to your story. They’ll either like it, or they won’t, right? But I’m pretty sure that you’ve already predicted this (hopefully). Making that sentence as your title is certainly a bold move, my dear. :) But nonetheless, I quite like it. 

So firstly, let’s just talk about your audience. A good number of people here on aff are 14 & older, so you always need to consider that. But then again, stories aren’t always just for the reader’s pleasure, but for the writer’s pleasure too, so it’s all up to you. If anything, my suggestion would be to make it a teeny bit more subtle. Just a bit. Because actually, in terms of really Title-Technique, you don’t want to be giving away that much about your story in a title so quickly! From first glance, I can tell what you’re story is going to be about already, and you definitely don’t want that! Maybe one thing you could do is take out the ‘13’ in your title. Or, you could even say, “Not Too Young For You”. It’s a subtle title, and it makes readers wonder what it could mean, and what the story might be behind it. Try to aim for those types of titles, ne?

But I will say that your current title drew me in for some reason. LOL I have no idea why, but when I read your request form from the cruise, I really couldn’t wait to read this fic when I got home. Like seriously. I think the main reason why, though, is because I wanted to know how you were going to pull off this story. In society today, age difference can be a huge thing. So I was wondering-- OH HOLY BEANS. AFF JUST CRASHED AGAIN. *bashing my head against a wall* So sorry! Where was I? Right. So I was wondering whether or not you were going to try and target the issue, or make it work somehow. With a title like that, you are going to gather high expectations and doubts from all readers. Anyways, main moral of the story is, your title was quite interesting because you do the unexpected. Though, I would still prefer that you add some subtly though, just so you don’t accent the issue too much.

Description/Foreword: 3/5

After a lot of site-crashing from last night, I’m back again :) OMFG. That was like the worst night ever. But anyways, on to your actual description, ne? One thing I mainly noticed about it was that it’s a little plain, like something I’ve seen often before. And technically, it is. There’s no ‘umph!’ to your description which I feel like you need to have in order to carry out your idea. I’ve seen this type of description loads of times; it’s pretty common around here on aff. It’s just the structure of it that I feel is a little overused. 

Like, here’s an example of how it might go:

Step One: You introduce two characters
Step Two: One falls in love with the other but there’s a problem. 
Step Three: Add a cliffhanging question that will make your readers more interested.
Step Four: Voila. You’re finished. 

Now, necessarily, we don’t want to go with the norm. In all honesty, I’ll tell you that a description one of my stories is generally like this too so you’re not alone in this at all! I think I would like it if your description was just a tad bit more dramatic. Your talking about a issue that’s been debated over for a loooong time, which is age difference. Even though your story is very fluffy I expect that you’re going to put in some angsty/descriptive scenes based on this problem and how Sooyeon/You will solve it. It’s hard to beat around the bush when you’re writing about sensitive topics, you know? I hope you’re not planning to make your story all fluffy :)

So I revised your description to maybe a more dramatic one. But I tried to keep all your sentences in it:

You are Do Sooyeon, a 13-year old in love. 

And not just with anyone. His name is Park Chanyeol, who is good friends with your brother and goes to your school. You’ve liked him for a long time now but you didn’t have the courage to go confess to him. Every time you see him, you feel like there’s a chance for you...

But there’s just one thing. 

Park Chanyeol is a 4th year college student, someone way too old for you in society’s standards. He’s 20 years old, to be exact. But possibly, could a relationship between two people seperated by seven years last? And will he accept your feelings for him? Or will everything you’ve ever hoped for go down the drain? 

Hehe. So I found out recently that I really like one-liners. But if you can see what I’m saying here, it’s really nice when you add some more description and some spacing to your foreword. It captures the readers more easily, and makes them start to ask questions. As for the rest of description, I like it. Just try not to use this → ~ ← in your dialogue, and be sure to put periods/commas at the end when someone is speaking! Watch out for run-on sentences, also. And I really like that “Yah! Park Chanyeol, 13 is NOT that young!” thing you did in the end. Awhh, it was really cute. I like that part the most. KEEP IT.

Story Plot: 9/10

The main story plot is basically the trouble of falling in love with someone way older than you. To be quite honest, I have a love-hate relationship with your story. It’s unique, it’s fresh, and there’s no one out there who’s written something like this. Of course, there’s going to be some critcal people who don’t like this topic, but overall, it’s really cool. One thing I would suggest is to stress the problem even moorrrreee. This is something that lots of people don’t take lightly! So when you write about age difference, I really think that there needs to be some angst included. It’s like a must. For some weird reason, I’m dying to see Sooyeon get mad, angry, and fiesty because I think that her character would be leave such an emphasis when her angry side comes out. So far, we’ve only seen her confused, kind, and basically, just a regular teenage girl who hasn’t done really anything to make herself stand out. I mean, she’s like 13. 

She’s probably starting to get those teenage hormones and becoming obsessed with love. I remember when I was thirteen, all I really wanted was a boyfriend (obviously not anymore), but the main gist is that you really have to make Sooyeon think like a 13 year old girl. You’re that age right? That’s perfect- now you can get more deep with your character. I know that you might be like, “Duh, tofu, that’s what I’ve been doing,”, but what I’m trying to say is that you should try to really think very deeply. Like really deep. As a thirteen year old girl, what’s some of the things you really want? You really hate? Picture yourself in Sooyeon’s situations and do what you’d really do, even if it’s something totally horrendous or like throwing a vase or something. Make it dramatic! Teens are verrrrry dramatic, believe me, I’m one of them, and I’m not that much older than you. Gah. The drama is so astounding, even kdramas couldn’t capture it well enough. You know what I’m saying?

Originality: 28/30

So close to a full 30! The reason I docked two points off is because, even though stories like these usually aren’t written about a lot, there’s at least a small bunch of them on aff that I’ve read/seen before. I don’t know if you read or anything, but there’s some stuff in that genre where age difference is written about a lot. And then there’s also that huge array of teacher-student fanfics where the kids are much too young for the teachers, not to mention also illegal, but who the hell cares anyway because it’s just fanfiction and none of it is real. 

What makes this story original is the fact that your main character is young. Like realllly young. Now, this is either a good thing or a bad thing to people, considering who your target audience is, but in terms of originality, it’s a high mark. I’ve never seen a fic where the main character is 13 years old and stays that way for a long time. The one suggestion I would really have for your fic is to add the drama in. Smother it. Drown it in drama. Like I keep saying, this situation is literally asking for angst. Consider spicing up your story a bit more!

A/N: Ever read the Vampire Academy Series? It talks about a love story between two people who are also seven years apart. What a coincidence! :)

Flow: 9/10

In general, the flow of your content is perfectly fine. It’s really nice and smooth, very well written. But there’s some little grammar/structure tweaks that keep putting me off, some of which I’ll explain in the next section. 


But for the others, I’ll explain here. For example, in chapter six, really really really try not to put in pictures in the middle of your story, ne? It loses all our trains of thought and interrupts us from living in your story’s universe with your characters. Try to put those at the end of your story, dear, so that your readers won’t get distracted. Put their main attention on the content always! Also, I wouldn’t suggest putting links when you want to show what certain people look like. Not only does that distract readers again in accordance to what I said above, but it also might make people think that you aren’t capable of describing things. You and me both know that that’s not true, right? Holla, girl. So try and use lots and lots of descriptive things in your story to describe things (i.e. Chapter Six when you link Sehun & Baekhyun in girl form and you link Luhan) so that people won’t get interrupted from reading your story.

Grammar/Spelling: 23/30

Oh my gosh. AFF crashes one more time and I swear I’m gonna flip tables. 

Anyways. Back to your story. So basically, it’s not the grammar necessarily that needs fixing, and your spelling is like dead on perfect. Are you sure English isn’t your first language? Your grammar/spelling is better than some native speakers that I’ve run into. But there’s lots of little stuffs and thingys that you like to add into your writing that is really unneeded. And also, it may not look as nice as you may think.

I’m changing standard procedure right now because I want to get this finished before the site crashes. So instead of picking out specific grammar/spelling fixes (like the first two below) I’m going to give you some tips. 

Hokay. Let’s get started. These are from Chapter 004, but the tips are for EVERY chapter you have, including the foreword. 

1. ‘“Mmmhh!”~ Kyungsoo yawned as he…’ Don’t don’t don’t use the little squigly thing! → “Mmmhh!” Kyungsoo yawned as he…

2. ‘It made him wake up a little but it isn’t enough for him.’ Wrong tense. → ‘It made him wake up a little but it wasn’t enough for him.’

3. REMEMBER TO PUT PERIODS/COMMAS AT THE END OF YOUR DIALOGUE. ALWAYS! For example, ‘“Watch your mouth, or else I won’t let you get anything for breakfast” he warned’ WHERE ART THOU COMMA, GIRL? → ‘Watch your mouth, or else I won’t let you get anything for breakfast,” he warned,’

4. Back in the beginning, make sure that when you write thoughts that they aren’t put in astericks. Make sure to put them in italics instead. 

5. When making onomatopoeia (when you write sounds in word form such as Crash!) try not to use any asterisks and just stick to either bolding or italicizing the word. 

6. Try not to use too much slang! Ex. “I’m chillin, I’m chillin.” in chapter two. 

7. Every time someone new speaks, you MUST ENTER. YOU MUST. 

That’s all for tofu’s lesson for today! :D

Thanks to her! <33

(Sorry for uploading this late :(()