Unexpected - Review by purichu.
Unexpected by avrilesanders
Story Link; http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/99319/
Reviewer; purichu
Story Link; http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/99319/
Reviewer; purichu
Title – 5/5; it’s short, sweet and to the point. Not clichéd and predictable.
Foreword/Description – 6/10; since English isn’t your first language; I know there’ll be mistakes here and there. The description must be good considering that’s what people will say on the AFF homepage. It’s up to you whether you want to change it or not, but it’s highly recommended that you do. “It was so unexpected. No one planned this. None of us hoped for this.” – Better, nee? Foreword is fine; Character profiles are good. I hate when characters need paragraphs to explain them even though I’ve done it once, LOL. The plot should be upgraded, though. ‘He accidentally having with you’ – uh, no. First of all, how do you accidently have with someone? Drunk or not, you’re actions aren’t coincidental. And if you’re going to keep that, ‘having’ to ‘had’.
Poster/trailer – 4/5; Oh My G-dragon, the poster is so nice! The girl looks really ugly though, LOL. That’s just my opinion. And her outfit is hideous. Aside from that, the gif title is a nice touch and the colors are blended well. It doesn’t mesh well with the background. The background is cute, girly & pink while the graphic is hard, neon & colorful. Just saying.
Plot –18/20; excusing the horrible grammar you use, it’s interesting. When writing , it’s so typical to use a kingka – nerd based plot. I like how Junhyung gets drunk and does the …deed. And, he also has a girlfriend so it’s really scandalous in the process.
Creativity – 9/10; I’ve obviously seen stuff like this before so a point has been deducted.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary –5/10; I’m sorry. I know English isn’t your first language but this is ridiculous. Your spelling is great but it’s not used in the right context. If you’re going to be a reviewer, from what I see, you need to brush up on the basics – majorly. Because I’m so nice, I’ll correct some mistakes. I can’t correct all since you’ve made so much. Let’s start, and I hope you make these corrections.
‘You’re in the club that used to be the place you worked at’ – used to work at? Aren’t I supposed to be a bartender there? So, I obviously work there. Change that paragraph to this ‘You’re in the club you work at. Everyone thinks the work you do is dangerous, but you love it. You’re not another who teases every man that enters the club; you’re just a simple bartender doing what you’re designated to do. Every time a customer gets drunk, you’ll be the first one to hear their secrets.’ ‘Costomer’ is spelled ‘Customer’. Remember that.
Writing Style –9/10; okay, you’re is PERFECT. OMFG. IM DYING. It’s pretty simple butoy my god, I’m spazzing right now. Alright, I lost my professionalism just now. Tip of advice, when writing dialogue, you MUST make a new line for every line being spoken unless it’s from the same person. For example:
“Avrile! Your review is ready,” Kimi said.
“Really? Thank you so much!” she replied with great enthusiasm. – Now, it’s different when it’s the same person talking. For example:
“Really? Thank you so much!” she replied with great enthusiasm. – Now, it’s different when it’s the same person talking. For example:
“Avrile, when do you want your review?” Kimi asked uneasily. “I’m kind of busy.”—Now that’s when you put dialogue on the same line. Get it? I hope. Again, ignoring grammar, your punctuation is perfectly used, spelling is used in the wrong context sometimes.
Characterization – 7/10; I’m not giving you full points because I couldn’t really imagine anything. Since you used a moderate amount of adjectives for the ‘you’ character, it’s fine because we’re supposed to imagine ourselves as the main character. Junhyung seems rather sweet in this one-shot, very nice. ;) Hara broke up with him, right?
Flow –8/10; I think the scene from the club to Mijung’s apartment happened a bit too fast, just my opinion. Use a bit more adjectives when describing scenes so it’ll last a bit longer.
Ending – 10/10; the ending was great. It’s kind of like a cliffhanger, making you wonder if Mijung will get pregnant or not. What hardships await Junhyung and Minjung, etc. etc.
TOTAL – 81/100 – 81% B- Congrats. This is the highest grade I’ve given so far on a review~
The review is so.. ;_; wow. I'm instantly in love with purichu. ♥ It's so cool~
Want to know why? The review is simply great for me. What do you think huh? *winks*
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