I just feel/know I’m too deep in this depression. I just thought it was a simple phase I was going through since my best friend of 8 years left me to dead and got the entire school body to hate me. I thought it was just a feeling I’d get over and I’d continue to live life as I’d normally do. I thought everything was going to be fine… I keep telling myself that. It’s the only thing that seems to get me out of bed in the morning and keep those suicidal thoughts away from me. But it’s slowly eating me down. It’s partly about her and the fear of going to school again, but then my family hates my guts too. Asking daily if I love them,” Yes.” I say, but when I ask them back. They never replay back…

The aloneness and darkness of the world is really killing me…I cry myself to sleep every night nowadays… everything seems to be my fault for some apparent reason, when all I do is stay home and do nothing… I feel like I’m inside an oyster… but instead of a beautiful pearl that grew over time with love and happiness… I think I’m the spoiled oyster, who has nothing inside… I don’t know where that metaphor is going, but I feel like this. Just something that was suppost to end up beautiful and lovely, but ended up like dirt and filth. Everyone says,” Things get better.” But do they? I’m too young to think about suicide, but I want to do it… hell, I’m too much of a coward to cut myself.

Maybe that pain will help me get ready for what I want to do in the future. I don’t have a future planned, so why not? Maybe my pain would stop and I don’t have to feel this emptiness and numbness anymore… I won’t go to hell nor would I go to heaven, since I know they both don’t exist, but I guess when I do die, the disappearing feeling would feel like heaven. The feeling of having no one to judge or ridicule me. I know I’m in too deep with this depression… There smiles can’t even help me anymore. They say you shouldn’t diagnose yourself if you’re surrounded by a bunch of s… so does that mean the whole world is? I guess I'm writing this to get some type of sympathy... to get some type of satsfaction. I never wrote my whole life ed up story, I'd probably never will since no one would actually care. I mean, why would they? I'm a good for nothing monster of a child who does nothing, but inflicts pain.... so am told. This world is really not a suitable for children to be rasied in.  

Their smiles don't help as much as I'd like them too... Now I know I'm in too deep with this...