"happy" REVIEW for laiitee
Story link: CLICK ME
Title 1|5
It really wasn’t able to catch my attention. Actually, if I was browsing through the list of stories I wouldn’t even think of clicking on it. I suggest you change the title into something short yet catchy.
Foreword & Description 4|5
I love how detailed and would make people want to read why the main character asks if she was really happy. Other than some grammar, spelling and capitalization mistakes, it’s good to go.
Plot\Originality 22|25
I love how it seems like you’re reading a diary entry. I haven’t read stories that has a plot like yours so I gave you a high grade for that.
Flow 14|15
Again it’s like reading a diary entry with the character telling you what happened in the past. It’s in the order of a flashback and when feelings are sad then it’s sad throughout. Though there are some parts where I thought she’ll experience the warmth of having someone by her side (on chapter 2 I think?) then all of a sudden, she was left all alone again. She was able to have friends the next chapter, which was good since you can’t have her suffer every single time, or it’ll be a bore for readers. I applaud you for the continuity of point of view because it’s really positive for the flow of idea, it won’t cut off the build up of emotions.
Characterization 8|10
You didn’t directly reveal the character’s description but you did make an impression that she’ll be reflecting on things that happened in the past. You stayed in the circle of how she was at first then slowly letting her feel what it’s like to have friends. It’s not everyday you’ll see people who do that development for the character.
English Skills 25|30
Remembering what the basic is, would help you for the better. The pronoun “I” should be capitalized. You should also watch out for your punctuation marks, since they also convey what feelings the character have.
Just some other things I wanted to tell you:
-1- Not even the teachers praised me for any of the excellent work i did so i went on unobserved to them. (unnoticed sounds more fitting for the sentence)
-1- Not even the children liked me. It was like i had the word "diseased" sticky taped onto my forehead so i had to get used to sitting there by myself at recess and lunch and the whole entire time i was wishing that i was out there playing marbles with the other kids or playing tips or hide and seek but no one has ever asked me.
(you may omit those words since it’ll be redundant. About the or before playing tips you can change it to “ , “ comma)
-2- She ushered me in to the strange room and I was met (you can use welcomed) straight away with the curious eyes.
-2- So my first crush was a fail and my second was an epic fail. (ok here I am being strict. If I were to review this as a strict reviewer for stories, meaning I’ll be allergic to modern use of words in a story, I’ll definitely delete the word epic for formality of the story. But if I were to consider this being a fan fiction giving you freedom with words then, I’ll just ignore it. Even so, if it is formal then epic isn’t a word to be used like that. Since epic means legendary, extraordinary or something from the old ages.)
-I’ll skip the other chapters since it’s almost same mistakes-
Personal Reaction 9/10
It was a sad yet fun to read story. Sad in the way the character is expressing how she spent her childhood, but fun in the way that I felt like I was the character herself. You were asking me if you should continue the story? Well of course! Even though you only have one subscriber doesn’t mean you should give up on it. You should continue it for that very person who reads it. I guess it can help if you change the title and add a poster to make it look attractive. It would also be hard to attract a large number of readers who subscribe since majority of the readers are only interested on an k-pop idol story. Even though I did gave you low marks on some points but I only did since it can help you improve on it. Honestly, it was refreshing to read a story who doesn’t focus on love and breakups from the start.Don’t give up on what you want to write ok? I’ll hope that you would find the will to continue and spread what you have for others to see.
Thank you for requesting!
TOTAL:
83/100
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