Breaking Tradition: The Impure Woman by writingcrazed

Reviewed by aznawzmao

Title: The first part doesn’t really make sense but the second part does catch my eye. To get the full 10, I feel like the first part should have been grammatically correct, like “Breaking a/the tradition” or “Breaking Traditions”.  8/ 10 points

Appearance: I don’t really like how when you want to describe something, you add in the picture. It breaks the text and honestly I rather see you try to describe appearances with words. 9/ 10 points

Description and Forward: The preface is nice, but it’s very vague and simple. I wish you could have reminded the readers the background of Aejin later on in the story, as I was thrown off by Aejin’s parents’ behavior. The heart is a nice touch, but also makes the front look a bit awkward. Pretty good otherwise.12 / 15 points

Characterization: It’s hard to relate to your characters. One moment it seems like you’re trying to have them seem like real people, the next they’re just figures walking around. Either you try to put your readers in your characters’ feet or you keep your readers at a distance, but don’t switch back and forth. I also have a problem how you characterized Hyunil. I know you want to take away Hyunil “the bad guy” from the scene at the cafe for a moment, but Hyunil realizing what he did wrong after he punches Suho and Aejin gives her best to yell at him? She’s been yelling at him this whole story! It’s also literally the same speech every time. An action usually gets the same reaction. Hyunil realizing his feelings and what he does wrong after she yells at him doesn’t fit the context you set up at all. If Aejin did something different, like punch him back, and then he realized his actual emotions besides his fury, it would make more sense. And if that was just a slight lapse in his motivation for revenge, that makes the whole thing make even less sense. Keep that in mind if you rewrite.

 7/ 10 points

Plot: I feel the idea is unique where a child is into the arms of a girl who had her whole life planned out. However, the whole stalker thing feels plain and even a slight cliched. I honestly wished the whole story was more realistic and open. 8/ 10 points

Flow: The flashbacks do make the flow more confusing than is accepted in the comfort zone, but there was no significance with that discomfort. Also, what are the key elements that drive the story? Is it just Suho, or is it Hyunil’s plan for revenge? What about her grades? Keep those in mind so your story’s continuity doesn’t suffer as you try to juggle your ideas. 8/ 10 points

Grammar and Spelling: You have some punctuation errors that I noticed, and extraneous wording. KISS=Keep It Short and Sweet! It seems like you’re trying to spice up the sentence variety, but don’t sacrifice your grammar in the process. You do use vocabulary that spices up your story, keep it up! Careful with objects and what you’re referring. When you ing papers into a backpack, and you ing the papers into there or into it? I think there were a few spelling errors but not a lot to make me uncomfortable. Good job! 22/ 25 points

Bonus: The fact that you used religion as a conflict between Aejin in her parents makes me uneasy, especially since there was no hint at all about the situation besides in the preface. If Aejin was truly religious, wouldn’t there have been some sign of her religion, like praying to Him for help when Minwoo arrived? If she’s not that religious, wouldn’t there be some sign of resentment from a memory where she tried to resist before against her parents? If she had forgotten about her duty to God, wouldn’t there be a part where she’s crestfallen and goes “crap I forgot...”? I know you’re writing from a flashback so it’s hard to show those parts when you started writing later on in time, but still it shouldn’t haven’t been that abrupt. Religion invokes a reaction from everyone based on his or her relationship with religion. Even if you’re hesitating to reveal more about the characters through text outside of dialogue, which it seems you are, the reaction is important to making the story seem real. Because of this lack of reaction, I just lost a lot of empathy and connection with your story.

Some suggestions I have in making the reaction more believable and connecting to the readers besides the situations I suggested above is how Aejin views Minwoo, since her parents think he’s an abomination to God and that her act of taking care of him makes her an abomination as well. Obviously she doesn’t think he’s a sin, but then what does she think? Does she think he’s a gift from God, because he has the gift of life? Is he another soul lost in the world that she as a Christian feels the need to guide? You were getting there when you had Aejin think of what her mother taught her, but you can go farther.

(BTW I am not religious and I’m not preaching that Aejin has to think or follow any of this, but I just think using religion is a double-edged sword and an opportunity you shouldn’t pass up. You can just write is as a reason for conflict and leave it at that or you can make your readers think about their relationship with religion and question the world around them. It would be absolutely wonderful if you could achieve the latter part)

3/ 10 points

Comments: I actually enjoyed your story, but there’s so much room for you to have fun with it, especially in the religion aspect. Maybe you’re just writing for the fluff, but I challenge to make your readers think and question societal values. Add even more characters’ insights and put passion to them! Also, try to keep things realistic, especially for the stalking and kidnapping. Do you know how a real stalker acts? (I’m not asking you to become one so you know every single detail of their actions, but you should know how a stalker attacks and how a victim reacts, and what deters a stalker from continuing on the attack. Are most stalkers stealthy? What are some self-defense tactics?) In conclusion, I think you can do more research on the topics you’re discussing and definitely put more feeling into it.

Score: 77 / 100