Title: ERIS

Author: Ghibliesque

Reviewer: -Kaara

 

 

Title (4/5)

Your single word title managed to catch my attention, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that it produces a sort of powerful magnetism because it was very mysterious. If the readers get enticed, then that means that your title has successfully won over their curiosity and they will want to discover your creation more— indulging deeper into the plot and extracting the very meaning of the word that you've placed as the headline. 

 

To my knowledge, Eris means the Greek goddess of strife; of disputes and harmony breaking. On a side note, it also indicates how well- suited your choice of title is because your story centers around a world where chaos is abundant. Honestly it is a beautiful title and I don't think I've come across any title such as yours that emits an attraction factor in a mystic way. You've managed to appeal the readers by your creativity in choosing a title that describes the story so well— in a subtle yet meaningful way, to say the least.

 

However, I have to subtract a mark from this section because I can't really grasp the meaning behind your intention of writing the title in capital letters. Readers might just get a bit confused by the way you present the headline to them— is it meant to stand for something? Is it an organization? What is it?

 

These may be some conflicted thoughts running through the readers' heads as they come by to your story. Even I had those thoughts meddling in my mind because I actually saw no relevance or significance in having the entire title in capitals. Aside from that, it is absolutely one of the most alluring titles I've ever stumbled across, so good job with that!

 

 

Description and Foreword (7/10)

The Description was simple yet very intriguing, and it had me hungry for more. Fantasy has always been my favored genre and I would always search for the best, because stories of this category tend to be too... carried away, in my opinion. Based off of your description, I could get a glimpse of the story even if it was a tiny revelation. And I instantly took a liking to your plot line.

 

Sometimes, I tend to stress on the length of one's written description, for I prefer longer descriptions that do not reveal too much of its hidden secrets. Nevertheless, the quantity of words in a description does not determine if it is written at its best— it's the quality of the message delivered that counts. Descriptions are, in a way, summaries to a story; giving the readers an insight of what may come. Given the description you provided, readers will be attracted quite fast and they would want to explore your story more.

 

Your Foreword was inadequately written. But I think it would suffice because forewords are: prefatory comments (as for a book) especially when written by someone other than the author. Other times, and this is often used amongst fan fiction writers: a prelude of the story overhead, something like an excerpt. You scored in the first context so all in all, a good job!

 

 

Originality of Plot (17/20)

I must say that this is quite an amazing piece of work. The storyline invented was intriguing and I dare say that I've never stumbled upon anything as similar as your story— there may be others with the same idea as yours, but the plot always varies. 

 

Another originality point that I must voice out (and that I admired) was the way your portrayal of sibling love in a story full of darkness and mystery. There aren't many stories containing family love that's full of warmth and that can really move the readers as they skim through your story, so I'll have to say that yours is one of the best so far. However, there wasn't any development aside from knowing that Victoria and Maru are related. There's also the secret of where they came from and who their past revolved around before they came to be the present characters. All of this is very interesting and I'm sure readers would want to know more about the siblings' past. 

 

Besides that, there's the mysterious "Boss" character with whom Maru is acquainted to. I find it very refreshing to read about an antagonist who twists with the mind of his underling. There are also questions arising: who is he? What's going to happen to Maru? What does he want, exactly? It's all exciting and readers are in your grip with this feature, because you still haven't expanded on the enemy and I think that it's a nice touch. 

 

 

Mechanics (Grammar, Vocabulary, Punctuation, Spelling) (19/25)

Firstly, there wasn't any problem for me when I read your story (although, I still wanted the chapters to be a bit more lengthy). You only had a few mistakes that would have gone unnoticed but though it is a safe sign, I'd like to point out some that I've found:

 

Suggestion: She made a debate whether or not to chase him when he reappeared, dressed for the day.

 

Original: ...from the fruit stall a bit ways down the street.

Suggestion: ...from the fruit stall a few blocks down the street. 

 

Original: She felt the bandages tightly wrapped about her own body.

Suggestion: She felt the bandages tightly wrapped around her own body.

 

Original: ...until he was on the outskirts of the main CBD the police sirens faded into nothing.

Suggestion: ...until he was on the outskirts of the main central business district and when the police sirens faded into nothing.

 

Original: Onew ordered the doctor, who nodded agreement and promptly readied a syringe.

Suggestion: Onew ordered the doctor, who nodded in agreement and promptly readied a syringe.

 

Original: She moved head side to side, loosening out her cramped neck muscles.

Suggestion: She moved her head from side to side, relieving her cramped neck muscles.

 

There isn't anything to worry about. Your mechanics are all in order except for a few mistaken typings, so I urge you to re-check your story before posting because it reduces the chances of readers reading an incomplete sentence and so forth. Another thing is the way you shorten words like "CBD" and "Precogs". I've told this time and time again to my requesters and authors alike: never use shortened words even if they do stand for the same thing. 

 

Minimizing the word count isn't something that you should practice. I would always prefer authors to write in full length of their words so that the readers can also understand what you are trying to say. There maybe others who do not understand the meaning of "CBD" or "Precogs" and some do. But for the sake of those who don't, then I suggest that you write in full.

 

 

Writing Style (6/10)

I actually thanked the high heavens because your chapters were not long and it was easy for me to skim through and review them. As much as I like to steer myself away from super long chapters that tend to hurt my eyes— the glaring light of the screen adding to the headache I would receive— I had actually wished that you would expand your chapters just a little bit. Your style is clean and simple and I noticed that you have a wide knowledge in vocabulary and your words are easy to understand. 

 

However, there may be a slight downfall to the way you portray the length of one chapter. Development of a chapter is one thing but what I look for in an author's style in delivering a story is the elaboration. If you read through your story again, you will find that your words and sentencing are considerably short and simple— nothing too fancy, I suppose but it still doesn't quench my thirst in reading something that elaborates little on one subject. What I'm trying to say here is not the length of a sentence, in which you elaborate a lot with no stops, but the description of surroundings. 

 

For example, when you narrate the story in a way where you character is in a place unfamiliar to him or her, you must ready a description of the place; elaborate and bring the place to life so that your readers will get a better insight of what you are trying to deliver. This way, readers will have no qualms in understanding the situation your character is in and their imaginations will further help them with the aid of your elaboration of the surrounding.

 

(70%)