Harsh reality…

 

So uhm recently I told you guys about my grandpa’s death… there was this time when we were busy working for our school publication and we were at the ND Press (a publishing comp.) I was by then staring at the computer while listening to the conversation that our EIC is having then suddenly I turn to look at the other computer and there popped up my grandpa’s picture which is being edited (they were making these pamphlets which serves as a remembrance to those who attends the funeral)

 

 I was like: “oh my gosh this is no longer a dream!” actually I was still wishing that everything was just a little nightmare and by the time that I will wake up, I will see him again and would be able t hug him just like before. But NO! This is indeed the reality… by that time all I want to do is to cry and cry till I run out of tears, breakdown and grieve forever but I didn’t do so, I am the eldest of our peer so I thought that I should be strong… hide everything inside as long as I can –sigh-

 

Then the day after, my mom and I decided to be part of those who will pick him from the airport… when my mom saw her friends (who was also close to my grandpa) she can’t help but just cry and sob… meanwhile I just silently cried on the side… by the time that we saw his lifeless body up-close, I felt like I was tearing inside… if only I could hug him… I don’t care if he’s dead already all I want is to hug him again (but the others wouldn’t let me T.T)

 

When nighttime came we decided to just sleep on the room upstairs… I still feel uneasy with him only lying there and the fact that there are only few people who visits him… while sleeping I had a dream… it was him standing by my bedside near the door, he was looking at me as if saying: “go on sleep well, I’ll look after you” supposedly it was us who should look after him but then it was still him who was there for us… I was stunned for a few minutes but then he turned around as if saying: “there I’ve done my job already…” I then asked him on why he left us so soon… I was hugging him as if I don’t want to let go and there I woke up without hearing his answer

 

Upon opening my eyes I noticed that I was already crying… then I remembered my dream and I couldn’t stop crying…  cried for about an hour before stopping… at that time I realized that I only took him for granted and now that his gone, all I can feel is REGRET…

 

Luckily I’m coping up with the loss of a special someone that played a major role in my life… though I’m pretty hyper and happy outside, I really can’t deny that I’m  still mourning in the inside… I was able to smile once again despite this fact and it’s all because of the people that surrounds me… those that gave me their fullest support and comfort me… my AFF family and my special friends (Missdollar, Pastelmint, Freakincool09 And Yoimjj31) really guys thank you for everything…

 

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-Angela-Zhang- #1
I've exceeded the character limit ^^'
And I think that annnjcifer is right- you haven't lost your grandpa, in spirit, as he will always be in your heart, just as losing my voice, even if it never comes back, doesn't remove my identity as a singer. Nothing will ever change the fact that I've performed, or that I dream of singing, as nothing can ever change the good times you've had with your grandpa, and the impact he's had in your life. That's one thing that death can never take away- it can take away the present or the future, but no matter how much of an impact death and loss have in our lives, they can never change the good experiences in the past that have been given by God. <3
-Angela-Zhang- #2
:'(
I know how it feels to deal with loss ; especially the part about subconsciously thinking that the person or thing you lost is somehow not really gone and will come back to you.
It's not quite the same thing as losing a special person, but this is how I felt- actually how I still feel about having lost my singing ability. Even though I've had lots of good things happen to me recently, such as making great friends on AFF ^^ and a very good friend at university, I still feel like there's something missing and it makes it very difficult to face life's hardships with a completely genuine smile or positive outlook. Sometimes, I still have dreams about performing on stage, or if I listen to a particularly nice song that I would have loved to sing, or one that I've performed in the past, I cry, too. If there's a particularly strong memory trigger, I'll often feel depressed for the rest of the day... And I know it's not quite the same as losing a person, as I said earlier, but I think the general feeling of loss of grief is universal. You're not alone. :)
Perhaps the dream you had was a message from your grandpa that he wants you to try to be happy , and that he'll see you again one day ^^ for me, heaven is a place where I'll finally be able to sing again; a place where we'll be reunited with everything we lost in life and everyone we love who went before us. And perhaps your grandpa didn't answer when you asked when he had to leave you because this is something that we know not the answer until it's our turn to face the mystery of death. Don't pressure yourself to get over this right away- I don't think it's possible to ever forget what we love, in a lifetime. I'm sure it will get easier, as you continue to find joy in life, and meet other special people. But each person or experience is unique in life, and nothing will ever replace it. It's only natural to mourn on the inside.
CrystalRainbow #3
He's always going to be with you, in your heart. ^^ Hwaiting. :D
jonggggup #4
feel better.
but sometimes, thinking of him might make you feel better. closer to him.
remember, you haven't lost him. at all
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