Hurt

 

Yesterday which was Thursday July 5th,

I had a fight with my dad (again), but this time I was the one at fault.

My dad was out with my mum and I was at home sleeping.

I woke up when they came home and I was a bit grumpy when I woke up.

My parents didn't eat anything and neither did I, so my dad asked me to order pizza

and so I did. When I finished ordering, he came into my room and asked how long it'll take for it

to be delivered here.

Of course, it'll take about half an hour for it to arrive, but since that time I just woke up so I just told him

"I don't know."

He was drunk, so he started to go off at me, but I wasn't listening because I was typing up a chapter to my fanfic

and of course I knew I wasn't supposed to do that because I got irritated and yelled back at him.

I know shouldn't have done that, I know that I shouldn't have been disrespectful to him but at that time

I wasn't thinking.

After the pizza came, he didn't eat it and then started to tell me that I have no respect for him and that one sentence

made me broke down.

"You're no longer my daughter. We are no longer father and daughter."

When I heard that, that was when I came back to my senses and knew I was the one wrong and that my father was right.

Of course I cried and begged him to forgive me but he didn't so I went back up stairs to my room, turned off my laptop

and just went to bed and just cried. I had trouble breathing though. Around 30 minutes later, my older brother

came home and dad told my brother everything.

Then my brother came up and asked me what happened and all, but I couldn't talk so I just nodded to whatever he asked.

To be honest, my brother was also disappointed in me (and so am I) but he told me this;

"Since dad is drunk right now. I don't care, but tomorrow (which is today), I want you to get out of your bed and go tell him that you're sorry and that you won't do it again."

After that, he just hugged me and told me to try to sleep.

The whole night, I just couldn't sleep.

I had all sorts of thoughts going through my head. A few of them were;

- whether should I just kill myself or not

- stab myself with a knife?

- attempt to suicide?

- run away from home

I wasn't thinking straight and I couldn't stop crying. I was hurt, but I knew better, my dad was more hurt than me.

I wanted to stop crying, so I got out of my bed and took a pair of scissors and went back into my bed and pulled the blankets over.

Then I started to cut my arm. I even tried to make it bleed but it didn't since it was a blunt scissors.

I gave up afterwards and it started to sting, but i just wanted to stop so I started texting my friend and I told her what happened,

of course she told me to stop and it wouldn't do any good.

I didnt' reply to it and just texted her that I'll try to sleep and ignored her texts that came after.

But really, I couldn't sleep, my brother and his friends were over and partied and I couldn't sleep due to non-stop crying, I tried

and tried but I wouldn't stop crying so I tried to listen to music but that didn't help. It just made it worse so I turned off the music and

just laid there, the tears just keeps coming and in the end, I went to sleep at 4 am (the time my brothers friends went home).

When I woke up today (at 9:30 am), I remembered my brothers words and went down stairs.

When I went down stairs, each step made me guilty and the pain in my heart was heavy but I knew my dad had it worse.

When I saw him sitting on the chair, I went to him and he just looked at me.

I just started to cry again when I said that I won't do it again and that I'm sorry, he said

"I'll forgive you this time. This is your last chance. I don't want you to talk back to me and especially your mother since she has dementia."

I just nodded and in the end he just hugged me. I just went back up stairs and went to sleep again.

Although he has forgiven me, I still feel guilty.

I was hurt but he was more hurt.

Now that I've learned my lesson, the next time this happens, I'll face him and listen to him.

Although I feel a bit better, I was on the edge of being kicked out of the house.

I'm sorry dad and I love you.

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aznawzmao #1
...
Your dad gets drunk around you?
Sorry if that sounds like I'm judging you, I'm not. I just don't have that kind of life and I'm trying to understand.
Man he must be having it hard, especially since your mother has that condition.
PLEASE PLEASE don't cut yourself self-violence is not that answer seriously I know you feel guilty and you feel like you deserve punishment to get that guilt but then you think cutting is the only way to release pain and it's not, it just makes everything worse. If you don't believe me, read Cut by Pat McCormick. While it may not persuade you, at least it gives you a better picture of what happens to people who are stuck in that position and are trying to get out, and you may realize you're not alone.
Although you may think everything is your fault, you have to realize misunderstanding and consequences can be a two-way street. So don't always blame yourself. I know my dad would have told me to calm down if I started arguing with him, and just be patient with me. IDK though, maybe I wouldn't have said things you wouldn't have said, or my dad is just more introverted and patient than your dad. Not that my dad is better than yours, just explaining how there's different people and I'm really sorry I can't help you because my life is so different.
Stay strong okay? Life won't be over if you get kicked out. If you do, call the youth help hotline. 1-800-394-HOPE. They should definitely help you out.
But please don't give up on life. You have so many opportunities and great times waiting for you and while family means a lot, they should not be an obstacle for you to just live.
I'm hoping the best for you. FIGHTING!
bangtits #2
I completely understand you. I once did something bad towards my teacher. I felt really horrible because the teacher included other people which is my girl classmates too. I know some of them are giving me hate stares and all. I also wanted to cut myself, commit suicide and ran away from home. But I didn't because I know, that wouldn't help me on anything and besides, I don't want my parents to know about that. Of course, I cried. Every single hours. Luckily, my teacher was in a mood when I apologized. So the thing I wanted to say is try to find someone to let out all your feelings and not by texting. I didn't do that because I've no one to lend on. You still have your friend who would listen to you. So cheer up and try to relax your mind. Well, for me, I'd go to sleep ;)
dingdongwho #3
Hey, you're an awesome person okay. It's alright to break down barriers every now and then and step into a realm where you talk back and act in what some would see as a disrespectful way. Families always see the worst sides of each other. I hope you understand that you did nothing horribly wrong. It's just human to get frustrated every now and then - especially in your situation! You did the right thing by apologizing and learning from this. It seems you are a very mature person, my dear! I hope you just grow even stronger because you're an awesome young individual. I do however, wish that next time you don't hurt yourself. Treat your body with the same respect that you are trying to treat your father with. Why don't you go and watch a funny show and warm your heart? Go do something that puts a smile on your face~ I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
CoffeewithJinki #4
I'm bad with these situations, but I just want to let you know, it's going to be alright. No matter how much it hurts,suicide is not the answer. That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm sure your dad would be devastated if you did it.*Hugs* I wish you the best of luck with your father. We are all here for you if you need it ^^.
TheBlueMoon #5
*Hugs* You will be okay! No matter how hard things get you always have to push though! When im feeling sad I go watch a youtube playlist that I comprised of all the videos that make me laugh that always makes me feel better~
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