•Title 4/5-

 

The title is brilliant. It is not decorated with high and mighty words; just simple and honest. The angst mood is clearly portrayed by the title and one could simply notice that your story is going to be a tear-jerker and a classic heart-crusher.

 

The titles relates to the story in terms of mood, but not in the storyline. It seems to suggest that the character (Kibum) avoided Jonghyun because of the main conflict, but in fact, Kibum did not avoid Jonghyun at all. He wanted to mend his friendship with Jonghyun back, and so the 'can't look in your eyes' is not quite a suitable expression. However it is, overall, still a great title. 

 

 

•Description and Foreword 20/20-

 

I am a movie enthusiast, and thus your movie-like description really pleased me. But personal opinion aside, your description and foreword are really amazing. It is short and right to the point. Your decision to put a lot of spaces between the lines is proven to be engaging. It helps to build the angst mood when you deliberately set a slow and mysterious pace for the readers like that. The cliffhanger in the description couldn't be better. I like the last line of 'A tragedy that neither could prevent.' Also the last line in the foreword 'And he wondered, if they'd ever be the same again.' Those two are the final blow and that is how a perfect cliffhanger should be made.

 

•Plot 15/20-

 

The general idea of main conflict is very well thought out. It focuses on the teddy bear problem and how Kibum was grieving for his failure to give it to Jonghyun, hoping to bring their friendship back. The building of conflict at the start is well written. You added many small details, which is good, like the hello kitty pencil case, the drama club, and Minho. The introduction of the three characters - Jonghyun, Kibum and Minho - is very effortless. From there the plot continues to flow nicely until it reaches the middle. Here in the supposed-to-be-, I didn't see the actual at all. The plot keeps moving towards the peak, but then it goes down, and rises again in a frustrating back-and-forth pace until suddenly enters the ending.

 

I think the problem lingers within the way you portray Jonghyun. You tell the story more in Kibum's third point of view and that is alright. But you also have the general third point of view which can be used to describe more on Jonghyun's side. Jonghyun's action towards Kibum is not being described severe enough at the start for the readers to realize that he was truly hurt by Kibum. You could have use the general third point of view to mention Jonghyun's expression and said that Kibum didn't realize it. A simple sentence of the sad expression on Jonghyun's face is enough to tell the readers, because it seems that Jonghyun's didn't have any feelings here in your story.

 

The ending is quite unexpected. I never thought that it is actually a letter-like and Jonghyun is supposed to be called as 'you' there. The first time the 'you' came up, I was a bit confused because you didn't really mention that at the start. I thought you were referring to the readers, but then I read the rest and I realized that it was for Jonghyun.

 

Overall, the plot is gorgeous. I like how simple and down-to-earth the plot is. It is a good angst, but also half-baked. A little bit improvement in the conflict area (especially middle part) would be very nice. 

 

 

•Characterization 7/10-

 

I like Kibum's character here. Your plot seem very real and thus I think every readers could relate themselves with Kibum's character. We all always have a friend who acts like him - someone from our circle who gains popularity and seems to forget us, but then felt guilty and apologized. I think beneath the hard exterior that he has, Kibum is a very sweet person inside. The teddy bear idea is really cute and You portrayed his character nicely when he reminisced his actions towards Jonghyun and willed to apologize. My only concern is Jonghyun's character which was not really clear in the story.

 

 

 

•Writing Style 15/15-

 

Are you by any chance working in film industry? Because I can totally see your sentences appear like a film, from one scene to another. You used many repetitions between sentences and most of them gave the desired effect, such as: 'He started to think. He started to wonder.' also in here: 'Kibum didn't belong there. Kibum was better than that.' I especially like these parts. I noticed that you also like to give spaces and make one-sentence-paragraphs. This was very well done and it builds the mood quite effectively. 

 

One thing that I concerned with is the style of the ending. I think it was too sudden for you to insert the 'you' referring to Jonghyun, because the 'you' didn't appear at the start. 

 

 

 

•Mechanics 16/20-

 

You have some misspellings and here I made you the list: dialated : dilated, remmebers : remembers, onew : Onew, couldn'd : couldn't, kow : know, jonghyun : Jonghyun, melanchony : melancholy, et : let

 

There might be more which I did miss, but these are the ones that disturbed my flow of reading. I suggest that you use the spell checker in the text box given by AFF, so that this problem can be avoided or minimized.

 

Another thing is that sometimes your sentences are too long. Here is one of the example that I found: He turned over, and his eyes met a teddy bear, sitting motionlessly, staring lifelessly into his feline eyes, the dialated pupils burning into Kibum's as Kibum's fingers wrapped around the soft brown fur and hugged it close to his body.

 

This sentence is too long and it makes your readers a bit 'tired' when reading it. Long sentences also tends to be skipped by the readers and it is such a great loss for you, because you want to have them understand each element of the plot in all of your sentences. So this is the correction that I suggest: He turned over, and his eyes met a teddy bear, sitting motionlessly, staring lifelessly into his feline eyes. The dialated pupils burning into Kibum's as Kibum's fingers wrapped around the soft brown fur and hugged it close to his body.

 

This might be my personal opinion but I usually refrain to use repeated words in one sentence, except for special cases. So here is one of the example: He was fascinated by that aura that Minho gave off, that cool haughty aura that made you wish so hard that you knew him. This is the correction that I suggest: He was fascinated by the aura that Minho gave off, that cool haughty aura which made you wished you had known him. 

 

You mentioned Key once, even though you hadn't introduce him as Kibum.

 

Also you have some messy sentences. Here are the examples and the corrections that I suggest:

 

However, there were some memories that Kibum would rather he didn't remember. I think it would look better if you write it like this: However, there were some memories that Kibum would rather forget.

 

But there was one present that Kibum prepared specially prepared for Jonghyun. This should be: But there was one present that Kibum prepared specially for Jonghyun.

 

That trip back, Jonghyun hadn't had the opportunity to give Jonghyun the teddy bear.This should be: That trip back, Kibum hadn't had the opportunity to give Jonghyun the teddy bear.

 

For some reason, Kibum, Kibum he felt replaced. There are several option to fix this, but I'm going to go with this one: For some reason, Kibum felt replaced.

 

He made mistakes that he never should have. This should be: He made mistakes that he should never have.

 

 

 

•Flow 7/10-

 

As mentioned in the plot section, I was a bit distracted by the building of conflict in the middle of your story. But the beginning and the ending flow nicely. 

 

 

 

•Enjoyment 8/10-

 

As a fan of angst story, I enjoy yours very much. It is quite uncommon to see this kind of light angst and I was excited to review this. However, it lacks the thrills that I usually found in other angst stories that I read, but it is overall a good story. Kudos to you, author.

 

Total- 92/100