First of all.
Hard times right now.
This is gonna sound selfish but whatever.

Blogger: 2 followers.
Tumblr. 8 followers.
Twitter: 123 followers. Half of which don't talk to me.
Instagram. 489 followers. About 40 actually like my pictures. And all the rest who like them don't follow me.

I'm someone that likes to be acknowledged.

I don't like people not knowing me if that makes sense.

So when I do something, I WANT TO BE KNOWN FOR MY HARD WORK.
To be honest, most people I know are just adults, who I can't be my true self with since if I swear, I'm sen as rude.

HELLO. IT IS THE 21ST ING CENTURY. GIRLS AND BOYS WILL SWEAR. ESPECIALLY 17 YEAR OLD ONES.

Also. I'm having a "great" life. I've met a Baroness.
I've gone to the Houses of Parliament a few times.
I'm an ambassador.
And I've got "brilliant" career prospects.

THEN WHY. DO I THINK ABOUT SUICIDE ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME?

Because I don't have a group of friends in my sixth form.
Because I'm lonely pretty much 24/7


Because the few friends I want to be "SISTERS" with already have their little 'cliques' and I hoped on the normality wagon too late.

YES I KNOW I HAVE UNIVERSITY.
i know i have my life ahead of me.
But isn't it NOW that things are supposed to change?
When I've mellowed out, I'm "NORMAL" but how come all of my real friends are outside of sixth form. How am I supposed to trust people when THEY'RE ALL BACKSTABBING ES HALF THE TIME. (Not singling anyone out, but half the time I'm right about this.)

This is what you call rock bottom.
Not when your boyfriend dumps you after 5 years.
NO.
WHEN YOU'VE THOUGHT ABOUT SUICIDE EVERY DAMN DAY FOR ALMOST 13 YEARS (or when I was able to string together a structured thought) THATS. ROCK BOTTOM.

I've always thought I was a mistake being brought into this world...

But what have I REALLY got to show that my life right now, is worth it...

I am TIRED. Of waiting for my life to get better.
First 6 years: waiting to be loved.
Next 2: hell.
After that: wonderful mum, changing my life, brilliant.
During that: who am I? Where are my friends?
Now: Who am I> Where are my friends?
I CHANGED FOR YOU.
I CHANGED EVERYTHING
And what do I get?
Nothing
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M HERE.

Sounds melodramatic?

TRY LIVING WITH A ING MANIC DEPRESSIVE BRAIN AND AN OVER SENSITIVE MINDSET AND OBSESSIVE NATURE FOR 17 ING YEARS.

THEN TRY IT AGAIN.


I think, after the life I've had (not trying to get sympathy here, all seriousness)
I deserve the "best friends" that you see every day, in books, films, hell, you might be one.
But one where there's no secrets, you can do anything, stay together for years.

All I've ever wanted was the friend to keep me going.

I have those, but it's just divine intervention that they live out of the city, or I simply ruined it becuase I'M TOO ING HARD TO HANDLE.

I simply want someone to just, love, as a sister, a friend, my rock, my happiness...
The one person who has come close to it?
A year below, probably moving to another city, changed my ing life, is the most stubbornest, annoying person ever, but I'll always love her. Simply because she's been there. We'll always be Ivory & Ebony. I'll never forget this person, simply because even though we've the most ed up relationship, we've been through so much. I never want to lose you, but it seems that the one thing we both love is simultaneously drawing us apart and bringing us together. You are better at it than me, I'll admit that. But everything I do seems like its nothing compared to you.

Sometimes being different, and having different plans is good, but for me, I just HATE being unique
ALL THE ING TIME.
So yeah.

The happiest I've felt, friendship wise? This March, my birthday, when the one person that (I think) hated me (still does, I think) was nice to me, and I celebrated my 17th birthday, being the happiest teen.
Then it all collapsed. She started being horrible. I fell back into that hole of being a nomad.
And I'm back to the suicidal thoughts and the return on "best painless way to kill yourself" how-to pages.

Yeah. People try and help. But it will never work. Not until that special someone comes and takes my troubles away.

EVEN ING SHERLOCK HAS A BEST FRIEND.
Who am I again?
Oh yeah.
Me.
Well isn't that great?