If only I knew, I would've done things differently. If only I knew, I wouldn't be doing this things now. This things that has no more value... because you're not here anymore.

If I get to spend even just a minute with you, I'll tell you those three words I had trouble saying before, maybe I can hug you, maybe hear you say my name. If only, those words hurt... it's been years. I though I was okay, I thought that I wouldn't cry anymore. But that painful feeling, that feeling of someone clenching something inside your chest. I can't breahte, I can't see... all I can do is regret.

I never regretted knowing you though, for you are the best thing that happened to me, I only regret that our time had been short... that I wasn't there when you needed me. I kept on reasoning that I am doing it for you, that you have to wait for me and that everything would be all right. I shouldn't have believed that. I should've run to you the moment I heard of the news.

How cruel is fate. How cruel... that even if I wasn't worth it you waited for me. Do you know how much it hurt me... to be the last person you saw before you closed your eyes forever? I thought, you held on just to see me, I thought if only I didn't go, maybe you're still waiting for me to show up. But it only made me realize how much you loved me. Even if you can't say it, the way you held my hand as if telling not to go, the way you tried to smile weakly when I told you about that show you missed... I still can't watch its end... I can't even remember the title. I promised I'd watch it for you and tell you everything, but even at that, I failed. 

I saw you in my dreams long ago, I had dreamt how you'd go... I realized I was given a warning five years ago. It was I who didn't listen... you know, I had seen you die... and in the dream, you weren't an old woman - you were just a little bit older but still a kid. I was there when you breathed your last. With my trembling hands, I cut the air. I would forever carry that decision, I was the one who let you go, I was the one who killed you.

When I was young, I met someone who is different in everyway. I didn't believed him and I was scared... I was just and eight year old kid, then he told me mom would be sick. I was worried because mom was pregnant with you. I did everything he wanted, just so you won't be harmed. But then one day, I told him it's enough... he threatened me, I was scared but I held my ground. I said no. That night, I had cried and prayed to my sleep.

You were born, and my fears came true. I doubted if that guy was false, because all that he said came true. That night, I almost lost you and mom. Still, you lived and I promised to take care of you and to do everything to make up for my stupidity. Until now, I blame myself that you have to suffer because I can't follow his orders.

It doesn't matter if I was tired, if you were heavy. I had carried you wherever I went, I had let you experience everything I could. I wanted to make you feel loved. But sometimes I get tired, sometimes I remember I am just a child. Sometimes I hurt you, but I hurt too.

I don't know anymore. I miss you, I love you, I wish you are here. But then, this world only made you suffer. This world only pittied you. This world has judged you... so if it's true that you are in a better place, I don't even have the right to wish you back here. 

I will forever think of you.

Someday we will meet again, allow me to say sorry for not doing my best. For everything I am, sorry.

I only fear that you would hate me, I only fear that it's true... that if not for me, you're alive and well.

I will try to bear the hate, I will, I will... no matter how much it would tear me apart.

And so until we meet again... just let me see that smile of yours... just say my name, and I'd happily suffer your wrath for eternity.