Upgraded to Prison by Beertje38

Title: 7.5/10

The title is nice, it caught my attention. I thought that it will be more on technology and such, but it turned out to be angst and/or psychological. I was disappointed at first but I clearly see your point about the title. The title does not give an aura of angst but rather some hardcore stuff that (----) and someone from the B.A.P. will do.

Foreword (and Description): 3/5

You should change the font color of the foreword into a darker color. Not because I want to pull the attention away from you, but because it hurts the eyes of the readers and sometimes they won’t even hesitate to read it. So if you want readers read your author’s note, I rather you make the font black or dark colors.

Also, try to minimize the usage of emoticons; it makes your story look too informal. If you want to use emoticons, try to use it to a minimum amount of one or two—just enough to tell the readers that you’re feeling happy or sad or disappointed or crying.

I like the summary; it doesn’t reveal much but it tells enough. I also like the last sentence fragment “but this one day, everything went completely wrong” because it gave a hint that there is more to come and it will make readers anticipate, at least in my point of view.

But what didn’t please me is that you put some character introduction stuff. I suggest that you should remove it since your main character will be furthermore introduced in the story itself.

There was a teensy-weensy grammatical error in your summary, though. Let me point it out.

1.  The error: No one really noticed you or ask you anything.

 It should be: No one really noticed you or asked you anything.

2.  The error: You had no friends and a weird hobby to kill time; hacking systems.

 It should be: You had no friends and you had a weird hobby to kill time; hacking systems.

And then there’s the word “Foreword” below your “Fictional Characters”.

You should read first the Foreword and Description carefully especially when you are writing a new story; because it will be like your last resort to grab the attention of the readers and read and/or anticipate your fanfic.

Originality: 4/5

I have read a lot of stories about prison and stuff, but a girl hacker? Nope. So it’s like a mixture of unique and common at the same time (ironic, I know).

I like the idea of the “punishment room” since I haven’t read things like that.

Characterization: 6/10

Your characterization is not bad, but also not great.

The way you portray (----) is really confusing. One chapter she’s emotionless and fearless, the next chapter she’ll be all blush-y and smile-y. It’s really weird. But I really like her being a hacker for no reason. I felt really sorry about her (I don’t think of myself as the character, but rather a different person), about what she has been through and all the hardships she faced and will face. But I was a tad bit happy when she met Alyssa.

Alyssa is also confusing. Her first impression to me was that she was cold and/or a bully to (----), though.

Yongguk, he’s a sweet boy. I thought he’ll be all ‘get-lost-or-I’ll-ruin-your-face’ kind of boy, but he’s not. He’s actually sweeter than Zelo. Some readers will like this, but some readers will think, “No! Yongguk should stay badass as always,” and some readers will just stay silent and go on with the story. But for me, I like Yongguk’s character, it was much unexpected.

Zelo here is also one of my favored characters, not because he’s cute and all, but because he gives off an aura of darkness for some unknown reason which will make curiosity kick readers in the faces. He’s mysterious but his mysteriousness wasn’t confusing. And I personally think that he’s an antagonist.

Nona is weird. He wants to help the protagonist but he ends up failing and (----) gets caught. He has a funny aura for me, and he’s like head over heels for (----), which made him more cute; although I see him as a Hawaiian boy, because of his name.

And Himchan is quite unexpected too. He didn’t obey his rules as a guard, obviously. He decided to help (----) but personally, I didn’t like it. There are too many people helping (----) and I think five (including Alyssa and not including Zelo) is enough help for her.

Remember; lack of antagonists makes a story too boring, unless it’s fluff and/or crack.

Plot: 13/20

I like your plot, because technically it wasn’t cliché. It may have hints of having school and stuff (which is common), and it has what a school usually has (bullies, etc.). But I didn’t mind, because there were a lot of things you added and tweaked to make it different from other school-themed topics. And, the abuse didn’t only came from (----)’s fellow schoolmates, but also from her parents, which made it more angsty.

I like the flashbacks, it shows what (----) has been through, but I don’t like how it was shown in your story. You should’ve just used pure italics and avoid indicating “Flashback (8 years ago)” when you start a flashback. It will make your story look informal and it will make you look like you don’t know how to properly insert a flashback.

Here’s an example of a flashback:

Henry sighed, “Hyung, did you remember where my phone was sitting an hour ago?”

Heechul thought deeply…

‘Ah, dang mobile phone, why do you always ring when I’m having my beauty sleep?’ Heechul picked up the device at his nightstand and threw it to the carpeted floor, careless of where it bounced off.

“Uhh, n-nope,” Heechul smiled nervously and mentally cursed his brain for having wrong timing in being so stutter-y.

But then there were the confusions, I thought at first it was your writing style, but then I was wrong, because it was completed and yet I didn’t find any revelations or stuff like that.

Conventions: 6/15

I’m afraid I have to give you a low grade on this aspect. You had a lot of grammatical errors; your punctuation was very confusing as well as your conversations; and lastly, you have errors when it comes to diction.

I’ll point out three of your most common errors and it’s up to you if you’re the one who’s going to edit it or you’ll find a beta-reader. Any way is fine.

1. You often use “where” as “were” and vice versa

*Where – asks the location of a certain noun

*Were – past tense of are/be

2. You often miss a letter from a certain word.

Ex: The word “trough” in your final chapter.

At first your point of view was fine; it doesn’t change—not until chapter 20, which khun-fused me (and I think other readers, too).

And you used (----)… I suggest that you should just make a name for the OC, because it hurts the eyes and it doesn’t give quite a good impression to the story.

Your spacing is fine when it comes to paragraph, it’s not too far away, and it’s not too close to each other. But your spacing when there is conversation is very confusing, I don’t know which are the words that (----), Zelo, Yongguk, Nona, and the other characters utter. And I don’t know whether a certain part is a narration, or a dialogue.

And don’t use (*) when indicating thoughts; you could just italicize the sentence or word or phrase then it’s good to go.

Here’s an example of how to put in thoughts:

Mr. Park kept on talking in front of the class despite the noisiness of the students, except for a particular student, Lee Sungmin.

‘Is he really listening to me? Unbelievable,’ The teacher, Jungsoo, thought.

Flow: 7/10

The flow was just right for me.

Your flow makes sense, it wasn’t fast, but it wasn’t painstakingly slow either. It wasn’t too slow in a sense that readers will get bored, and it wasn’t too fast in a sense that readers will not easily get the information and will crave for more.

But I think that your fic is already completed, because the conflict was already solved, or so I think. But if you’re going to extend it, try not to make it too long, because there isn’t much that will happen, unless you plan on making a sequel or you add more antagonists to fire up the story once more. I just found out that your story is now finished so…yeah. It would be nice if you had a sequel but this time for (----)’s sons. (Just a suggestion)

Writing Style: 6/15

You used very little imagery and you didn’t use figurative speech too much either. The way you narrate the story was a quite monotonous and I can’t distinguish what (----) and other characters really feel. It lacks feeling like Sehun’s poker face and somehow your writing style doesn’t attract people except on your last chapter, I felt the imagery there, but still, not enough to compensate for all the chapters you’ve missed.

Always keep it in mind that in stories, you should try your best to show, and not tell.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

Because of the conventions, it made me cringe a lot. My mind was correcting all of your mistakes while I was reading through the paragraph. I understand clearly what you meant, but it distracted me, a lot.

Total Score: (57.5/100)

Suggestions:

- Keep your point of views consistent. Don’t go changing your point of view abruptly, and/or never change it, at all.

- Look for a beta-reader who will be willing to help you edit your story.

- If you can’t find a beta-reader, make sure that you yourself read your story carefully and thoroughly before posting it. Look very closely for errors.

- Use Microsoft Word so it can easily pinpoint you your errors.

- Read the dictionary once every week, or read this. It will help you differentiate a lot of things, especially in your diction and spelling.

- If creating a new fic, just invent or create a new name for your character, don’t ever use (----) or something near like that. 

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Message to Beertje38: Please don't take it too hard. And if I was harsh, I'm sorry! I have no intentions of negativity, I only want to help you improve. The grade is only a visual interpretation, but do not mind it too much. I'm sorry it took too long!