Title: 2/5

You’re title is confusing. Even when I read up to the end, I didn’t know what to make of it. Of course the last two lines didn’t really make sense to me, which is why I really don’t like your title. I feel like your title shouldn’t be the conclusion.

Although I shouldn’t be talking because I at coming up with titles and they sound a little too cliché, but I feel like “out of the line” doesn’t really work.

Foreword: 2/5

You are missing some commas in your quote, which makes it awkward to read.

Your Foreword is really repetitive. You just repeated the same “the reluctance to accept my mistake” but differently (When it’s done, I have nothing else I could do to change it).

You wrote the quote in Kai’s point of view, but the story is written in three points of views.

Originality: 1/5

Kai is always portrayed as the “warm hearted cheater” or whatever, and I feel like you used it. I really don’t like it. Too many Kai stories are based off of it.

Your story is just kind of cliché in general. That-cheater-Kai-and-his-obliviousness-to-girlfriend’s-pregnancy-and-dies is too common of a plotline.

Characterization: 8/15

Although cliché, you have portrayed your characters well. You can feel each of the characters’ emotions, but I thought you could have done more with Kai and Kris’ emotions.

Since Kris is the brother of the girl, he is an important character and I feel like you didn’t add much about him.  You could have really emphasized on his hatred towards Kai even though they are band members.

I feel like you should have put Kai’s feelings in the end of the story in his POV. It would have been sadder instead of having a narrator tell it.

For example:

Original: Kai was then left and he stared at the lifeless body in front of him. Walking towards Cia, he felt his heart slowly bread with the sight he was looking at. He caress her face, he held her hand, he looked at her lovingly and spoke.

If written in Kai’s POV, it would be something like this:

I stare at the lifeless body in front of me. My heart drops as reality got to me. This is my entire fault. If only I didn’t stay that one day. If only I stayed true to Cia. If only…

My eyes water and tears start to roll down my cheeks one by one. I slowly walk to her bed. Reaching my hand out, I caress her face as my other hand holds her frozen hand. I’m sorry.
 

Plot: 12/20

Hmm. As I said, your plot is too common among all of AFF. Too many authors write their stories like you do.

Although, I really do like how you write Cia’s POV. It was nice and all the emotions were there.
 

Conventions: 5/15

Instead of going through and fixing all of them, I’m just going to give you an outline. You should watch out for them when you are writing.

Original: I ran away without any particular destination. I was in a hast and no longer cared whoever I bumped with until I finally found the way out of the huge building.

Fixed: I turned around and ran away from the horrendous scene. With tears in my eyes, I tried to exit the large building, no longer caring other people’s thoughts. I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.

(Many of your sentences were confusing, like this one above.)

 

Original: “Cia, you’re finally awake! What happened?” Questined Baekhyun as he stared at me…

Fixed: “Cia, you’re finally awake! What happened?” Questioned Baekhyun as he stared at me…

(You have a few spelling mistakes, please watch out for them.)

 

Original: “Cia, you’re finally awake! What happened?” Questioned Baekhyun as he stared at me…

“Don’t worry, Kai just went out for awhile to fix something he’ll be back soon.” Stated Kris oppa as he was reading my thoughts.

 

Fixed: “Cia, you’re finally awake! What happened?” Questioned Baekhyun as he stared at me…

“Don’t worry, Kai just went out for a while to fix something, he’ll be back soon.” stated Kris oppa as he was reading my thoughts.

(This sounds really repetitive, most of your sentence structures are the same.)

 

Original: The doctor who was about fifty years old stated as he stared at me to which the boys obeyed immediately. Flipping the clipboard in his hand, he checked my body with the assistance of the nurse cleaning my bruised and wounded parts.

Fixed: The doctor, who was about fifty years old, stated as he stared at me. The boys stood up and left me with the doctor and nurse. He flipped through the clipboard before putting it down. The nurse came to me and cleaned my bruises and wounds.

(Something along those lines. You are missing quite some punctuation too.)

 

Original: The doctor explained and I tried to keep my composer, I can lose everything but not my baby. And before the doctor could even go out of the said room, I held his wrist..

Fixed: the doctor explained and I tried to keep my composer. I could lose everything, but not my baby. Before the doctor could even go out of the room, I held his wrist...

(I also noticed that you capitalize your word after dialogues. You have some tense changes too, so please look for those. Remember to not start sentences with And, But, or Or. Ellipsis is supposed to be three dots, so look out for that too. Also, the Ellipsis should be a period.)

 

Flow: 7/10

There is a plot hole, like in the second chapter, in the Narrator POV. It says that that Kai lifted her and gently laid her on the mattress. Wasn’t she already there in the beginning of the chapter?

I also really don’t like the pace of the story. I felt like you really rushed the emergency part. I think you should have done more with Kai being a bystander.

 

Writing Style: 7/15

I wasn’t a really big fan of your writing style. It just doesn’t fit me. I’m not a big fan of multiple POV’s in a story. I feel like it’s not professional and gives away too much plot. I like it when I find out everything as the story goes on.

 

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10

I did very much enjoy this story. It made me cry, but some parts really confused me.

Total Score: 47/100

If I wasn’t reviewing this story,

I would have enjoyed it much more,

but since I’m reviewing,

I have to be harsh.

I feel like if you worked more on this,

then it would have been an amazing story.

Please remember to credit!

-hayyitsShayne-