I have put off writing this post for so long but it is like the universe conspired against me. I can't postpone this any longer. For the first time, the law of diminishing intent didn't work on me. So, here it goes...

Self-image. Self-worth. Self-talk.

These are familiar terms and I am certain most of you know the definitions of each. But sometimes, knowing is not enough.

Self-image refers to how we view ourselves. 

Last May 4, Keeper attended a wedding as the veil sponsor. If given the choice, I would have declined. Well, I had a choice - I don't want to hurt my unnie's feelings. I know this may sound odd, but I feel ugly when wearing make-up. Crazy huh? No one, not even the professional make-up artists, got it right with me. Mom would always comment how I looked ugly with that or this kind of make-up. And I believe her cuz I don't look like me. And for some reason, they never used the iron when styling my hair, so it was always in disarray even before the ceremony started.

As I expected, when I came in with my sister, who is a bridesmaid, everyone turned to her. She really is beautiful. And everyone commented on how pretty she looked while I faded in the background. 

I thought I wouldn't mind. But the following morning, I faced the mirror and tried to describe myself in words. I planned to write it down. But all I saw was how my hair would always stubbornly stick out, the bags beneath my eyes, my nose or how my lips were always chapped.

When I realized what I was doing, I stopped. I then remembered that that was exactly what I was doing yesterday. Before going to the venue, I psyched myself already that I don't look pretty, to lessen the hurt when they ignore me. But it still did.

Of course, how could I forget? How I view myself affects how others see me. No wonder I wasn't pretty that time or any other time with make-up on.

But it goes beyond appearance. How we see ourselves is also reflected in how we introduce ourselves. Even though I can make decent posters, I can't find it in me to change my 'About Me' section. Instead of just saying, "I am a graphic artist", I choose to omit the word "graphic" and use "frustrated" instead. I am giving people reason to think little of me because I already think so little of myself.

How I view myself affects how others see and treat me.

You are beautiful. He did not made a mistake when He created us. In His eyes, we are perfect. There is not a strand of your hair that He would want to change. You are great. Inside you is a potential to do great things.

Self-worth is the value we put on ourselves. 

No I am not referring to the viral survey which calculates how much we cost based on eye color and such. We are created equal. So we are as important as the person sitting next to us. 

The value of a painting is based on it's painter. Our value is based on our Creator. We are priceless. We are not trash.

So, do not let others treat you like trash. Do not devalue yourself. Do not look down on yourself.

You are valuable. 

Self-talk refers to our inner dialogue.

It is normal to have conversations with ourselves. However, it is not healthy if all we say are negative things. Like, how we are not good enough or that we made a mistake again. We are our worst critics.

But let me tell you that we haven't done too many mistakes to keep us from doing it right or succeeding. So, let's help ourselves by not putting ourselves down.

Tell yourself how awesome you are. Because you are.

Perhaps you have heard or read all these and more. But it is no accident you are reading this now. I believe God is telling you how much He loves you and He is pleased with you. That is why, even though how stubborn Keeper is for a month, He made sure that this blog would be written. 

I don't believe in coincidence; only the inevitable. The wedding was March 4, a Saturday and the morning I stared at the mirror is a Sunday, hours before our pastor delivered a message on this very topic. He had already put it in me to share and I told Him I would after the service. But the message hit close to home, the memory is still fresh, my emotions raw. I slept that afternoon.

Week after week since that Sunday, things happen that brought me back to this blog or the idea of this blog. I the television and the current show playing is The Doctors. They were interviewing a girl with progeria and her bestfriend. When she showed her book, I literally had goosebumps all over me. The book was about her journey of loving and accepting herself and it was titled, Be Beautiful, Be You.

I went here and lurked in the Blog Section -because I didn't want to write- when I read an AFFer's confession. She was a catfish. A catfish is a slang for someone who pretends to be someone they are not online to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances (Urban Dictionary 2013). I knew how hard it was for her to finally accept what she was and what she was doing was wrong, but to admit it here in AFF of all places... it took bravery. And she did that because she didn't want us to be like her and for those who are already catfishes, to stop pretending to be someone who they are not.

Days passed and this Keeper has not written a word about it. Everything I saw or heard would remind me of those three words. I thought I was going crazy. I was scoring my plants for leaf damage when all of a sudden, I would hear my inner voice talking. And as I listened, she was saying the words in this blog. It took me four hours before I finished my scoring because of her. OTL. 

But did I listen? Noooo. Hahaha. I blogged about other things in hopes of forgetting this blog. 

Eventually, this morning, when I read another blog post, this time about a copycat, I finally surrendered. And here we are.

A copycat  is someone who imitates or copies the behavior or practices of another (Merriam-Webster 2013). 

Synonyms of copycat:

a. poser - one who pretends someone who is not; who tries to fit in but with exaggeration

b. biter - follower

c. follower - a person who will do anything to impress people; he/she targets one or two persons to be his/her 'idol'

d. unoriginal - a person who follows a herd

The synonyms and definitions listed above are taken from Urban Thesaurus.

e. jocker - one who copies another's style (Internet Slang 2013)

Mr./Ms. Copycat and Mr./Ms. Catfish, you might not realize it yet, but you are as beautiful and as wonderful as that person or persons you are pretending to be. You are unique. There is no one else like you in this world. Only you can be the best you. So be the best version of yourself, and not a second rate copy of someone else. Wouldn't you like it for people to like you for who you are and not for someone you are not?

To those who have read up to this point, thank you. This is hard. OTL. Thanks for being with me.

-Keeper