I can express myself here, right?

Maybe asking for sympathy isn't enough, but I'm not asking for self pity or sympathy or pity from anyone. I'm so thankful to all the friends I've found, but I'm so sorry that I can't ever do anything for them because I can't even do anything for myself. I don't know when to cry for help. Only tears come streaming down and serves as self comfort. Because what more can I do for myself, for others? So many things have happened lately...am I at fault for it? Because i can't meet up to expectations? Because I can't do what others expect of me? Because I'm stupid and have a hard time with everything? I should have tarnished myself tonight. I should have given myself a good punishment, but instead I'm here crying half my off. Tears don't help with anything, do they? I need a good beater. Maybe someone should scream in my face and tell me to grow up. I can't ask for help, I'm not good at expressing myself. Whereas I can do it all by writing. I'm feeling so pathetic, so useless. What is life? So painful. So sad. Such a mixture of self torture. Degrading oneself. Some people say that you cry because you've been too strong, but I don't feel that way. I haven't preservered enough. I haven't worked hard enough. I haven't done enough. I haven't been helpful enough. I'm a coward. I can't do anything right. I'm always screwing up somewhere along the lines. I can't be perfect. I can't be what everyone expects out of me? Why does it hurt so bad? So...when do these tears stop?

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Tinywings #1 Oct 18, 2011 07:17:33

I posted such a long comment, that I did not had enough words anymore.. I just wanted to add that it is alright to feel like you did not do enough, that you did not work hard enough. Remember what you did wrong, and try to overcome that :) Do not expect to work everything out just with one shot, because definitely, it will get hard at times. However, remember who you are doing it for. Nobody expects you to be perfect, just that you tried your utmost best. :) If you did not do that in the past, try to do that in the future :)

Tinywings #2 Oct 18, 2011 07:15:25

Of course it is not wrong to ask for sympathy, and maybe it will help you to lighten up just a little. However, I actually doubt that sugercoated words will really cheer you up. Nowadays, I am growing a dislike for saying 'You can do it!' and 'Everything is going to be alright!', especially the last one. Yes, these words are a good for the ear, maybe even for calming your heart, but deep in your mind, you know it is just a sentence people say because they do not understand. At least, this is my interpretation, and I do not want to hurt anyone with it, so I apologize if I offended anyone. I think you only cry when you think you have disappointed people you care about, and most importantly, you disappinted yourself. You can feel hurt because of not reaching everyone's expectation, but in the end, it is because you thought you could have done better, that you cry. But, is not life just like that? You fall and you stand up, but in the end, you fall again and the vicious cycle continue. You grow in life, but you still have a lot to learn. That is, my interpretation. I remember I had a piano teacher who often yelled at me, saying I did not do my best with homework. I would cry, apologizing sincerely that I forgot what was important for me.. That I lost track of the road. It was always the same, I always lost track after a while, and I would feel guilty about it. I would say that the teacher does not understand me, but deep inside, that is only to comfort myself. In the end, it is because I disappointed myself, that I cry. I disappointed others, who put effort and trust in me, and I disappointed them even when I promised them I would do my best. But that is just how I am, and my mother once said to me, that I am the kind of person who has to be screamed back to reality often. That is how life is in my eyes. You have to get back on the right road, and you do not do that with comforting words. You do that, by remembering that you do everything for yourself.

Anne60 #3 Oct 17, 2011 23:02:40

What is going on ? Sorry for not being around lately...