It's kind of long because I just need to get what's in my head out and onto paper or something.

So here's my attempt at explaining.

On March 20, 2013 I lost my grandmother. She died in a way that I couldn't even imagine, I never said goodbye and the last thing I told her when she was capable of understanding was that I was glad she was going to come home the next day, sad to say the day she was supposed to go home was the day she passed away.

I couldn't bring myself to cry or even accept that she wasn't coming back. I've only ever lost one person I truly cared about before that time and it wasn't pretty. I kept thinking back to exactly what I was doing that day at the exact moment her heart stopped beating (breakfast with my uncle twenty miles away), I didn't even go to the hospital once I was notified, I just ate and then finished funeral arrangements.

At the funeral I avoided my family and couldn't bring myself to sit through the service, but I was going to speak and my family forced me inside the building. I can barely remember anything except my opening line of 'Hi, My name's Linda and I was my grandma's roommate by force for the passed fifteen years.' I remember crying and almost falling down, but recomposing myself the minute I saw the people, who swore that If I broke down then they would lose it, making a move to their nearest shoulder.

I still remember the look on my family members faces when my uncle told them that I was my grandma's favorite and I was closest to her. They looked so angry, like I was dirt or dust under their shoes in comparison to how she treated them. I know I wasn't the most pleasent person growing up but my grandma and I were together for so long it feels empty without her near me. As corny as it sounds I really did lose a piece of me. I can't bring myself to play a board game she loved or even look through her belongings. I did it once and felt so guilty that I can't do it again.

When everything finally started getting some normallcy, I reached out and got close to my grandma's sisters who had always hung around during my childhood and visited often. I remember answering their phone calls and talking for a bit when my grandma was asleep or when she'd make me answer just so I could say she was asleep or busy or making dinner. It was really funny actually because they knew it was a lie but used the time to talk to me and see how things were going. One Aunt in particular would call during the middle of our church service just to check in. I'd anticipate it every sunday and so I'd set the phone on vibrate and such, it eventually became a habit to answer the call in the middle of church just so i wouldn't hurt her feelings.

Which brings me to another portion of sad news.

On April 28, 2013 We said goodbye to my grandmothers sister, Rosie. The entire thing was kept from my knowledge for days until I attempted to call her and recieved no answer. When I questioned my family no one would say anything. I couldn't figure out why until they told me she was sick and had been for a very long time. All I could think was how didn't I know. Why couldn't i tell she was sick, beyond her normal asthma, and why didn't anyone tell me.  They told me after it was too late to go see her and make peace.

i put on a fake smile and continued on in the hopes that someone would notice I wasn't okay, but they still haven't. I just don't see why they can't figure out how lonely I feel and how that smile I fake is just their for their sake. Most of my family has opted out for heavy drinking, the others have leaned on me for comfort but I have no one to lean on. I majorily keep in touch with my grandma's twin, we've grown closer because of everything but I can't help feeling that she's doing exactly what I'm doing and that it will harm her more than me considering she's lost her twin, her younger sister and her husband all within months of each other.

I doubt my family has noticed the sudden changes in me, things my friends have noticed just from hearing me talk. I won't open up verbally to anyone it's just impossible to get the words out, so I wrote it all down in the hopes it will clear my head because all the repression is giving me migranes.