Glorious Beauty - Pick Ups!

orz srsly. I'm being really kind here. - 3 - I could blacklist you guise for not picking these soon. /sighs/ PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU PICK UP.

91linelover - Trailer Pick Up

Trailer Maker: Vanilla0Bunny

TRAILER LINK

YeefaAufa - Trailer Pick Up

Trailer Maker: russettyto

TRAILER LINK

TaoHan - Review Pick Up!

Title: Lip scar

Author: TaoHan

Reviewer: --peanutbutter

Title: [3/5]

I felt that your title does relate to your story and it is interesting as well. But I docked off points because it isn't capitalised properly. Instead of 'Lip scar', it should be 'Lip Scar'. Words, other than articles (a, an, the...) and connectors (to, and...) [unless they are the first or last word in the title, then you should capitalised them], should be capitalised. Having a proper title is crucial, I find, as it gives the readers the first impression on the whole story itself, regardless if they have even read it or not. Titles play an important factor in capturing your reader's interest to read the story.

Appearance (Poster, graphics, etc): [3.5/5]

The poster for the story is nice. I have nothing much to say on that but what bothers me is the layout for the chapters. I'm the type of reader who prefers to stick to the classic layout where it is just plain white background with black words. The reason why I'm against the layout is because I read AFF mostly on the mobile and the layout makes its really difficult to read. If you were to see from a mobile perspective of your story, the words are really small and I have to zoom it in. When I zoom it in, I have to constantly move the screen from left to right just to read the whole sentences (I'm using a touch phone, by the way). Does that make sense? I have no idea on how to describe that action but the thing you have to know is that it is quite troublesome to read it on my mobile. It is fine on the computer/laptop but I suggest to sticking to the default format. But at the end of the day, if you still want to use that layout, you have the complete liberty to keep it. It is entirely up to you.

Foreword/Description: [7/10]

For the description, I have mixed feelings about it. I felt like you didn't have to split it up into two parts. You already introduced your main character in the first part. You did not have to repeat it in the second part. And shoot me for this but I was staring at the word 'love' for a pretty long time because I felt that it was pretty... gay. I find it a little extreme to be putting that word, especially coming from a boy. Better words on describing his emotions to Luhan would be 'admire' or 'look up to'.

On the other hand, your description is short, sweet and simple. However, not that interesting as this type of descriptions are pretty common.

Characterisation: [13/20]

I felt that you didn't really show much of your characters' personality. When I was trying to write about them, my mind went into a sudden blank. Literally blank. The only things I know about your main character is that he is a fan boy and also, a nerd who is always bullied. His personality didn't really show. As for Luhan, I was at least able to tell that he is a kingka and he is also one heck of a cheery boy (also *cough*more to the girly side*cough*). He tries to be manly and etc etc. I find this okay as in it's great you do not put him as manly which will automatically make him into a perfect character already (plus his other traits and stuff).

I feel like you have to work on this more as characterisation plays a huge, and I mean huge, role in every single story. So yeah, I urge you to improve in this section.

Writing style: [6/10]

One thing that bothers me which always appear in most stories is that you put in Chinese words (Korean words in other stories). This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I felt that you should stick to English all the way. I understand Chinese as it is my second language so I'm able to get what you're saying but you should keep in mind that not everybody in AFF would know that language. Maybe you do not even know much about that language too. Many people might be wondering, 'What is shu dai zi?' If I did not know Chinese, this question will definitely be in my mind. I also feel that you should be more descriptive your writing to paint a better picture in your readers' mind. But other than that, it's okay.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: [6/10]

Generally, this is fine but there are definitely a handful of these in your story. You might want to re-read your story and check. Another thing is that your sentences tend to be a little awkward. Some of the sentence structures are awkward which makes me think of what you were trying to say and what not. To minimise these errors, please do go through your story one more time. Don't belittle these.

Plot: [14/20]

What makes your story stand out amongst the rest is that the story revolves around boys. To futher specify it, a fan boy and a kingka. For once, a story about friendship between a boy OC and an idol. However, if you were to change the main character to a girl, you would get a typical everyday fanfiction. A nerd and a kingka. I'm pretty sure we all have seen this before. The events in your story is nothing special. In fact, I seen it all before.

Flow: [10/10]

I have nothing much to say here. It's okay.

Overall Enjoyment: [6/10]

I hope this review isn't too harsh for you. Hope you take these advice into consideration and further improve your story. Take baby steps and you will eventually become probably an awesome author on AFF. Good luck on your stories! :)

Total: [68.5/100]