So, I ed up yesterday

once again yay me.

And like always after I break it, I end up reflecting on everything. It gives me that moment to think. 
So also, like always, I figured out I was mad for nothing. He didn't do anything wrong. 
I just had my rose colored glasses on, and was still blinded by the old me. The one that was so used to already having the title, and seeing how committed we were. How long we were going to stay together.

So after he told me yesterday finally clearing up what kind of relationship I had, he said open relationship and I immediately thought of friends with benefits.
So naturally in my head I was pretty pissed.
Thing running through my head going like, what the ? REALLY? 
He was treating me like he was his, calling me babe, holding hands in public, doing the usual boyfriend .

So I was like, why?
Does he really not feel anything for me?
He said that I don't mean to lead you on and all that but that didn't make me feel any better. It just made me think worse.

Now that I read over what he sent me again, his explanations. I understand.
He is looking for what I need..

I'm planning on leaving for S.Korea in hopefully two years. I have a goal as to why I am going there too. So I had been figuring out if I needed to look for a relationship or not. If it was a good choice. And after rereading his explanation as to why we are in this open relationship. I feel really dumb now. He is looking for what I have been. This struggle of finding someone I knew I would probably have a hard time leaving. He just got out of a 5 year relationship. And I had a 3 year relationship like two years ago, and I still haven't been right. I've been in a few relationship since then but nothing stable. 
So now that I'm about to graduate, now that I'm getting close to starting this journey to make a music company and having to leave the country and work for myself. All this time being single; like what he said, "I'm just needing a girl's company." 
Well I'm just looking for a guy's company. 

So I feel like an idiot. Which is common after I end up breaking my record. 

He knew I was sad about it and I had stopped talking to him for like, a few hours. 

He asked if we were still going to talk or not and that when I was like, "Yeah, of course. I just needed some time to myself. We're cool."

I'm going to see him tonight too. 

And I'll probably tell him how I feel. 

Excluding the cutting part. He doesn't need to know that yet.