TOTAL BREAKDOWN…

I HATE MY LIFE! THIS STUPID ANNOYING LIFE! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME??? DO I DESERVE THIS?? (SOBS)

EVRYTIME I DO SOMETHING, ITS ALWAYS WRONG… THEY KEEP ON FAVORING MY BROTHERS WHEN ITS CLEARLY OBVIOUS THAT THEY ARE THE ONE WHO’S WRONG! WHY? IS IT BECAUSE I WAS BORN AS A GIRL??? AND THEY DESPISE HAVING A DAUGHTER?! DON’T YOU THINK THAT SUCH REASON IS NOT VALID??? IT WASN’T ME WHO CHOSE MY FATE… IT WAS DESTINY WHO DID IT? THEN WHY DO THEY HAVE TO KEEP ON BLAMING IT TO ME??? (MORE CRIES AND SOBS)

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I LAST CRIED LIKE THIS… SHOULD I STILL CONTINUE ON MY PATH??? (SIGH) I AM ALREADY TIRED… I DON’T THINK THAT I STILL HAVE ENERGY TO EVEN TAKE A SINGLE STEP FORWARD… ALL MY EFFORTS, THE FAKE SMILES AND THE DRAINED ENERGY… THEY ARE… THEY ARE JUST WORTHLESS…

WORTHLESS… YEAH RIGHT, A PIECE OF TRASH JUST LIKE ME…. (CRIES) I DON’T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY HUH??? WHY IS EVERYBODY AGAINST ME??? I KNO WTHA T I ACT CHILDISHLY AND CAREFREE BUT ITS MY ONLY WAY TO PRETEND THAT I AM A HAPPY PERSON THOUGH I AM ACTUALLY DYING INSIDE… I HAVE BEEN PATIENT FOR TOO LONG… CANT THEY SEE THAT I AM SENSITIVE ENOUGH TO FEEL ALL THE PAIN???

EVRYBODY, EVERYONE , ALL THE SPECIAL PEOPLE IN MY HEART, THEY JUST KEEP ON… THEY KEEP ON LEAVING ME ONE BY ONE… WORDS ARENT ENOUGH TO DESCRIBE HOW MUCH OF A DEPRESSED PERSON I AM RIGHT NOW… IF ONLY THERE WOULD BE SOMEBODY WHO APPRECIATES ME… THE WHOLE ME… (SNIFFLES) CAN SOMEBODY GIVE ME A HUG??? YOU DON’T HATE ME, DON’T YOU???

IM SORRY IF IM BLABBERING TOO MUCH, IT’S JUST THAT…. I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE… AGAIN I APOLOGIZE IF I TOOK AWAY YOURPRECIOUS TIME… I KNOW THAT IM THE ONE WHO KEEPS ON BLABBERING ABOUT BEING STRONG AND STUFFS…

IM SORRY… IM SORRY… IM SORRY… IM SORRY… IM SORRY… IM SORRY…

I AM REALLY SORRY… (SIGHS)

I WILL NOW READ SOME OF YOUR FICS AND DON’T WORRY I WILL LEAVE A COOKIE ^^ (SNIFFLES) AT LEAST YOUR STORIES CAN CHEER ME UP…

I WOULD BE MORE THAN GLAD IF YOU LEAVE A COMMENT ABOUT THIS BLOG…

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mydane #1 Oct 6, 2011 05:50:15

yeah.......jsut work harder dont mind them......than situation.....ive been i that situation but i just let it flow like a river.....them...BAM!/.......i got out of my parents hosue and got my own...even happier than before cause i have worked hard by myself onlY! XD......so go!...get them!

kristalesa #2 Oct 6, 2011 04:49:23

i love you guys!!! you are all priceless (teary eyed) ill leave a comment to all of your walls... i promise...

kolmilyo #3 Oct 5, 2011 19:49:04

just try to remember.
as you live each day, the time of liberation draws near.
you wont be living with them till forever so work hard on making something of yourself so that when the time comes for you to live the nest, you would be able to do make one of your own.
take courage for now for soon it will be over.

-Angela-Zhang- #4 Oct 5, 2011 19:08:39

And another quick addition, to cheer you up, another bit of The Lord Of the Rings (well, it's not really in the film...officially...)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE-1RPDqJAY
XD I don't know how many times I've watched it...

-Angela-Zhang- #5 Oct 5, 2011 18:55:03

Part 5- (Sorry; in addition to taking up your wall, I have now taken over your blog ^^")
It's hard to stand up again, but start small. write a story and let your characters become your support :) Maybe watch a movie to take your mind off of things; like a horror film :D ( I recommend a Stephen King), they're creepy, and they're useful in getting things out of your mind :) And remember- you always have the AFF community to turn to, when you need to talk. Looking at all the other comments left for you, there are tons of people who are willing to listen :)
I send you a hug, and so does Jinki (actually, he sends you three), Key, Taemin(he almost missed the bus today; we had to wait for him and man, was Key unimpressed!!), Minho, Jonghyun and Kangin <3

-Angela-Zhang- #6 Oct 5, 2011 18:50:22

Part 4- Once again, I don't know the details of your situation, but sometimes the person who is making us feel worthless doesn't even realize it. It's only natural to want to be strong and keep our feelings to ourselves, but sometimes we need to communicate :)
And if you can't confront the people in your life, well, know that you're not alone. First of, you need to see the value in yourself. Whether it's through something you like to do, an intersting trait about yourself, anything. You first need to know that you are significant, simply because you are you. Other people aren't always a reliable source of happiness; some are just as lost as we feel and can change. It's unfortunate, but that's why you need to be able to appreciate yourself. That way, no matter who comes and goes in your life, you will be your own best support. Again, I know it's tough. But you will find kindred spirits in your life- people who are much like yourself, people who are totally different, but most of all, people who see the worth and value in you simply because you are who you are :) They will make a difference in your life, and you will make a difference in their's. And if there is absolutely no one in your life right now, you are welcome to hold my hand for as long as you need to. Squeeze as hard as you want- I won't let go, if I can help it ^_^ Just because we can't see each other doesn't mean that we can't reach out ^^ Sometimes all we need is to have someone to listen.
Here's a song you might want to listen to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBSwA8pMgrA
Notice the two people at the beginning, under the heart-shaped clouds both seem to be men ^^
And this bit from the Lord Of The Rings (you may have seen it, but it sums up what I want you to know ^^):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEMdXhfO-Wk
There's nothing wrong with crying and breaking down. We need to, at times. But you need to get back up, like Frodo and Sam! ^^

BubblyMe #7 Oct 5, 2011 18:40:58

;-; *hug*
Post on my wall if you want to let your feelings out, I'll read them (:

-Angela-Zhang- #8 Oct 5, 2011 18:21:20

Part 3- I think there's a bit in the Bible about God being the perfect parent. To me, it means that our parents are not perfect- and, they're not. They're just as human as us, and can make mistakes, too. It's important not to let yourself get too down about something your parents have said to you. It's tough, because they're our parents and it hurts when you feel misunderstood by them, especially. But I think most of us can say that we've been there. I know I have. My mom used to criticize me so much for so many little things, and it'd leave me feeling like dirt. But now that I'm older, I think she sees me as a "rational adult" and doesn't do things like that anymore. We have a much better relationship :) To give you a little bit of hope, maybe this way that your parents treat you will improve, as you get older. Just hang on :) I'm sure that it's not because they despise you for being their daughter. Again, I don't know the details of your situation, but maybe you need to be the real parent, here, and be patient with mum and dad ^^ Sometimes, it make you feel better when you think of yourself as "the wiser man" who knows that humans tend to act up, and act irrationally, but that they'll get a hold of themselves, eventually, while you've calmly braved out the storm :)
Overall, however, it's important to know that you are worth it. You are a person of worth, simply because you decide to be a person of worth. When you make your actions count, you have no idea how much they, and you, mean to other people. Right of the bat, I can tell you how much your advice and conversations with me mean to me, and make a difference in my day <3 Sometimes, maybe letting down the mask of happiness for a moment is all it takes. If you can, take the person, or people, who hurt you aside, and say "It really bothers me when you...." or "I don't like it when you treat me like..."

-Angela-Zhang- #9 Oct 5, 2011 18:10:19

Part 2- In saying that, I want you to know that you are not the only one who feels "trapped in a girl's body", sometimes. I feel the same way, and...
"The emotional, ual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says, "It's a girl." ~Shirley Chisholm"
This quote shows we're not alone in our feelings.
I also know what it's like to fake being happy, and to be absolutely tired of doing so. Like when you just want to put down your things and lie on the pavement so that everyone knows how much pain you are actually feeling. It makes you feel alone, oppressed, powerless and vulnerable.
That being said, and I know it's easier said than done, don't give up. If you have a dream, follow it. If it's something that your parents don't approve of, and they haven't given a reason why they don't approve of it, maybe try sitting down for a calm talk. This is difficult to do- emotions can get the best of you, but maybe you need some adult-to-adult time to speak with your parents? Ask them why they don't want you to do a certain thing, if this is an appropriate course of action, and really try to listen to what they have to say. Maybe they have a good reason, not to say that your dreams are wrong, but it's nice to know both sides of the coin. Then, (again, if this is appropriate), maybe try to explain why you -want- to do something. Have them hear you out. If your dreams are worth your time dreaming about, I'm sure you've got a logical reason for wanting to pursue them. Explain that this is your passion, or that this is something that you would want to do, and that you're willing to work hard to make a respectable person of yourself. I don't know your parents, but maybe this prejudice you feel they have towards you, because you are a girl, is because of how unfair the world can be to women and they might be worried for you and are simply not expressing this worry in a constructive way.

-Angela-Zhang- #10 Oct 5, 2011 17:57:44

Hey don't apologize for anything :) If you have something to say, go right ahead and say it. I'm not here to judge- I'm here to listen and, if I can, to help ^^
Now I can't say much from my personal experience- I'm an only child. But it sounds to me that your parents are treating your brothers better than they are treating you, and that there is some kind of conflict going on between them and yourself. I think sometimes that's the mentality of more traditional parents, especially asian ones. Boys were preferred to girls because they were more useful on the farms etc. ( but I think girls would be just as helpful, if someone actually bothered to teach them how) The world is a very unfair place for everyone, but women in particular. It angers me that many women are targeted and victimized and it irritates me how some situations "just aren't safe" for women. It definitely can make a woman feel worthless, as you've described yourself as feeling. I'll tell you, candidly, that I sometimes feel ashamed to be a woman and that I absolutely hate it when people say that a woman's greatest gift is to have children. I want to give people who say things like that a great shake. It's preposterous when people think women should get the "special, wimpy treatment", just for being a woman, and it disgusts me, frankly.
In saying this, I don't mean to make you feel worse- it just seems to be a universal, unfortunate truth that, yes, women do get treated differently than men, in many situations.
But there are also many people who see women as deserving of respect, because they are human beings.

heartykeykeke #11 Oct 5, 2011 17:11:27

Please don't think like that.....I don't think anybody hates you.

SuperBlue #12 Oct 5, 2011 16:47:06

You deserved one big hug!!! *hugs* honey no matter what, life is a gift and completely worth living. Trust me when I say you will have your time:) hang on!!!! LOVE UUUUUU

xiahsduckbutt #13 Oct 5, 2011 16:17:57

*huggggg* don't give up. Keep going strong :) . I know someday it will turn out better.

I'm here for you if you ever need a friend :)

LCBLuvsKpop #14 Oct 5, 2011 16:14:28

*Hugs* YOU AREN'T WORTHLESS!!! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!!!! Also, it's ok, don't worry, my older sisters all all favored over me despite them being the bad kids! *Hugs again* Cheer up! I really hope your life will get better! :D