Feedback My Sister's Bestfriend is My Lover
Hi there! This is a feedback to My Sister's Bestfriend is My Lover from myungyeonlovers
I hope you won’t be sad or something ^^ If you think it’s too rude, just tell me :))
Note: English is not my first language, so if I make mistakes, forgive me.
This is the second time I post it. I accidently deleted the first blog -.-;;
1) In the description, you shouldn’t write your A/N. Instead, write a short summary or a previed or something like that. The first thing a reader reads (lol) is the title and then mostly the description. An A/N in aff can be placed in the foreword, but not in the description :) for an example:
“I shouldn’t have fallen in love with you in the first place… but… I get addicted to you. The thoughts of you make me smile everytime I wish to disappear.”
“I shouldn’t have fallen in love with you at all… there has to be a rule for brothers to stay away from the best friend of its sister… right?”
2) Don’t use Comic Sans MS as your font. A lot of people here immediately turn away as soon as they see the font is Comic Sans MS. Don’t ask why, but I myself don’t think that font is attracting.
3) You have a lot of spaces in your story, so instead of describing the characters’ personality in the foreword, show it to the readers during the story. Develop them and give depths, but as long as your description in the foreword match the character in the story, it's fine to me :) (And it’s really helpful if you tend to change your characters after posting the foreword like me OTL)
4) Don’t use too many colors for writing the story. (I mean the body of the story. Your A/N are okay, but the story itself…) I think a few colors are okay, as long as they don’t have colors that make your eyes fall off XD
5) You better stop starting a story with:
Hi Im Jiyeon, im a student at Seoul Art School. Today as usual me and my bestfriend,Krystal went to the school together with her boyfriend , Minho too.
"Hi Krystal, Hi Minho Oppa!! " i said with my cutest voice ever
" Hi Jiyeon" said Krystal and Minho together
But, if you really want to start like that, don’t do it too dry, you know what I mean? Like, okay, she’s Jiyeon a student in SAS… what is SAS? Aha, Krystal is her best friend and Minho is her boyfriend… so what?
Example:
“Hi Krystal! Good morning Minho-Oppa!” I shout out loud at my best friend Krystal and her current boyfriend, Minho who are walking with intertwined hands. As soon as they see, they immediately let go of each other and sheepishly look at me.
“Hi Jiyeon!” Krystal greets back and waves at me while fixing her light yellow skirt; a typical school uniform of our school. Minho just smiles slightly and plays with his necktie. Both of their cheeks are pink and I can’t suppress laughing any longer.
6) Not every author can change the POV’s every time and it might irritate the readers, however, if you think you’re able to change the POV’s without making the readers confused, it’s fine I guess
7)A few parts are kind of “dry”. You should explain more and use the senses of your characters. They can see, hear, smell etc. Describe it, show it. Don’t only tell the things.
Example:
Telling only: Minho is shy.
Showing and telling: Minho barely speaks and he always waits for others to start the conversation with him. He’ll look at you with his warm big eyes, wondering when you’ll greet him. I once compliment him about his awesome soccer techniques, as a response, he smiles at me and rubs his neck. He looks at his feet and reminds silent. I guess he’s pretty shy.
See the difference? (Alright, I admit I made it extremely noticeable hehe...)
Describe what the characters are wearing, how they look like and the surroundings.
8) Since the story is pretty short, I understand that you squish lots of things in a few sentences, but I recommend you to work on your flow ^^ make it slower and more detailed.
9) It’s better to write in full sentences. Don’t write the story scripted, you’ll be able to improve both your language skills and your writing skills by writing in full sentences.
10) Don’t introduce the characters by:
“Hi I’m Wooyhun”
“Hi I’m Hoya” etc.
It is soooo irritating for new readers who aren’t familiar to the characters because they are too many people. They only know the name, but they don’t know how they look like. They don’t have a picture in front of their eyes. Especially when you have so many characters
11) Why does Jiyeon like Myungsoo? I have the same problem too in my first fanfic ;D
12) Why is it the first time Jiyeon meet Myungsoo? Krystal is her best friend, do you think it’s realistic that she hasn’t met her best friends brother?
Others:
1) Is it just me or am I the only one who can’t see Krystal’s picture? Lol
List of words other than “say” (for writing full sentences):
http://www.iss.k12.nc.us/writing/said.htm
2) Get your story reviewed! They might be harsh, but reviews normally have more critical eyes than I do :D
3) I think your story doesn’t have a way too overused plot or something, but, please edit it and work on it. It might turn out to be a great story ;) And taking an overused plot is okay, since making a totally new plot is like… REALLY hard. But, to make it more unique and interesting, you have to write it well. Use cliff hangers or something like that. Read more books so you know how to write a “professional” story haha… I don’t ask you to be professional, but to get better and better!
4) I understand that you’re pretty young, so you don’t have that much experience on writing. Aff is a place where you can improve yourself. Take the chance and do your best! I think I was pretty much in your level too as I was in your age :D
5) I am not a pro writer and I have to learn a lot too. Don’t be discourage, okay? :)
6) Since you got some upvotes, subscribers, comments, it means you're not that bad, right? Just try to improve, okay? Btw, I think the title would catch my curiosity, somehow ;))
Credit GIF: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1ypl7KpGs1r13wbbo1_250.gif
Comments