Requested By: AnneTOP

Story Title: One-Way Love

Request Done By: Midnight-B2UTY

 

 

01 Title [2/5]:

Truthfully, the title is very… cliché. I could find a lot of titles like that, with slight variations of course. It doesn’t catch my interest (because of how cliché/unoriginal it is). I only gave you points because it’s properly capitalized, not overflowed with crazy symbols, and was related to the story.

 

02 Design [4.5/5]:

I really like the poster. It matches the theme of the story very well. However, I do have to complain that the animations move a tad too fast for my eyes. I had to stare at it for a while just to see what the quotes were.

 

03 Description/Foreword [6/10]:

You know? I had this whole section filled out with at least five or six paragraphs of pointers and details and suggestions.

Then I saw you changed your entire description and foreword. Oh my… I had to delete everything I typed in this section and start over.

But that’s okay (!) because your description and foreword looks really good now! I was going on this whole rant about using too many bright colors. But, well. You still use some colors… But it’s less than what you originally had, so that’s good!

I know you want readers to subscribe and comment, explaining why you wrote that in bold red font (all capitalized, too…). However, I just believe that the person will subscribe if they want to, not if you tell them to.

I don’t mean to offend you or anything, but I hate it when I see authors like, “Please SUBSCRIBE and COMMENT!” It seems really desperate to me, no offense.

It’s okay to put a simple, “I’d appreciate it if you’d subscribe and comment.” in your author’s note. But what you do is you put it in HUGE, BOLD RED font that is almost in ALL CAPS.

And I don’t think you should make your font so huge. I think a good size for the description would be fourteen or sixteen. Then, for your author’s note/credits, a good size would be fourteen. You already color-code it, bold it, and use all-caps. I just don’t think the hugeness of the font is necessary if you’re going to add all those other effects to it.

Oh, and I suggest to not color-code that much. It’s a big turn-off, not only for me, but for so many people on AFF (trust me… I’ve looked at the polls and practically everyone voted for bright colors as what they hated most about fanfics). At least, if you’re going to color-code, don’t use super bright colors. Stick with colors like dark grey, dark purple, etc. Do not ever use bright colors like yellow, orange, red, etc.

Also, I don’t think you should include that picture of Bom where she says, “I only want you, Siwon. You don’t know what you’re saying, Tabi. Sorry I can’t love you, Ji.” I think it spoils the fact that G-Dragon is in love with her (?), and it’s not good to reveal too much of your story. You want to leave the reader with a feeling of suspense; therefore, try not to spoil some things.

 

04 Plot [15/20]:

Honestly, I don’t know what your main plot is yet. You have all these little bumps in the road, then happy moments, then more drama going on, then more cringe-worthy (in a good way, of course!) fluff. I don’t know what your main conflict is yet, though I do have a feeling it has to do with Bom’s father.

It somewhat annoys me that she’s always crying over something usually stupid, then she’s all happy again, then she’s all crying again, and the cycle continues. Do not add more drama than necessary. If you do that, people will begin to lose interest, regardless of how cute and fluffy it is.

 

05 Characters [13/20]:

Bom seemed quite relatable. She was really sweet and just so naïve, which is a bit cliché considering that is how a female lead in almost every fanfic. However, she was only like that with people she cared about. It’s obvious that’s her true personality.

Whenever it came to Siwon, she was just like some lovesick puppy, and to be honest, it was really annoying. Like, in chapter two, when she found Siwon banging Tiffany, she was all crying and everything. Then he kisses her, and she’s all smiling.

I just really hate that contrast. I would be disgusted if a guy kissed me immediately after having with another girl. And I have a feeling Bom should have been, too.

While she was innocent and sweet, she did know how to stick up for herself. Like, when she got into a fight with Dara. Bom also seems like a hypocrite to me. She called Dara a , while she herself gave in so easily to just one of Siwon’s gorgeous smiles. Then in chapter six she called GD dense. Um, well, she’s much more dense than he was.

But I guess that’s why she’s relatable. Love makes you do things you would never do; it makes you weak and vulnerable.

All in all, though, Bom is really oversensitive; her reactions to things are sometimes too dramatic and unrealistic and she cries very easily, despite how she’s sometimes very strong and stubborn.

Like Bom’s contrasting personality, your other characters’ personalities were not that great either.

Siwon was the guy we see in all the fanfics. He’s the jerk, the player, the flirt. Then there’s GD, the overprotective best friend who’s in love with her. And there’s TOP, the guy who acts like a jerk, but really actually cares for her a lot and is actually quite childish once you get to know him better. They all have “cliché” written all over them.

I have to admit, I’m glad that Hyuna wasn’t some mean, ty queenka. For once, she’s actually a funny, good best friend to the heroine! Hallelujah! (Sorry, I am just a huge 4Nia.)

I think your character development was… okay. Bom did grow slightly stronger, but not much. She finally moved on from that jerk Siwon, which was great. TOP was still the same after thirty chapters, but we were able to see more of his true personality - his childish self. GD was still the same throughout the story, no growth whatsoever, as well as the other supporting characters.

Although I do not like most of your characters’ clichéd personalities, I do like the way you portray them. I like how you didn’t tell us their personalities in the description, which was good. You let us find out as we read the story. You also used indirect characterization, which is where you show instead of tell. I really hate it when authors directly say, “Bom is cute and innocent.” You actually show us through her actions and speeches that she is cute and innocent, which is just perfect for me because I think it’s fun to decipher a character’s flaws and traits.

 

06 Originality [6/10]:

As I’ve said previously, your characters are cliché. They have the same characteristics as almost every other character: a sweet and cute girl, a bad boy player, a hot-headed best friend, a y gangster, and the evil queenka-girl-whatever that is… well, evil.

You should try to make your ending unexpected. I think the endings are what set writers apart from each other. If you have the ending everyone expects (TOP ending up with Bom, everyone lives happily ever after, blah blah blah), then you’ll be no different from other authors. Try to include a crazy plot twist that will make readers go, “O_O What?!?! W-what just happened?!?! O-M-G!” or something.

 

07 Flow [8/10]:

The flow is a bit too slow. I mean, it’s been thirty chapters, yet we have only seen a few signs of the main conflict. I suggest not to drag your story out longer than it should be, as your readers will get bored with the story.

It somewhat annoys me that Bom’s always crying over something usually stupid, then she’s all happy again, then she’s all crying again, and the cycle continues. Don’t add more drama than necessary. Don’t drag the story out. If you do that, people will begin to lose interest, regardless of how cute and fluffy it is (Déjà vu. I think I have said this already).

I know you’re trying to build tension by dropping all these hints in every chapter, which makes the reader curious and eager for the next update. But it’s been going on for too long.

I… I don’t know how to explain this. Um. Okay! Let’s use EXO as an example! Because SM had so many… SO MANY teasers for them, a lot of people were just like, “Screw this. I’m done waiting.”

That’s exactly what you’re doing: You’re having too many “teasers,” leading some readers to lose interest in your story. It’s not a majority of readers, but some of them grew tired of waiting, right, since you had mentioned how people unsubscribed? Don’t drag it out too long. Try to speed it up a little (not too much, as you should not rush it).

You also use a lot of simple sentences. Please note that the types of sentences you use, the way you write your story, can affect the flow of the fanfic. You should try to expand your sentence structers. Use complex sentences, compound sentences. Don’t just use simple sentences. It will feel rushed, like this:

I went to the store. I bought milk. I went home.

That sounded really boring and dull and moved along very quickly. You want to be able to add more details, more depth, like this:

Seeing there was hardly any milk left, I headed down to a nearby store. I greeted the ahjumma there before I started scanning through the refridgerator for a low-fat milk carton. After I had finally spotted it, I opened the fridge, wrapped my hand around the cold bottle, and paid for it before I happily went home.

Sentences do affect the flow of the story; sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way, so keep that in mind.

 

08 Grammar/Vocabulary [9.5/15]:

If there was one thing I really noticed easily about your story, it was that you always mix up your verb tenses. Sometimes you would write in past tense. Then right in the next sentence you would switch to present tense. I can’t possibly point out every time you did that but I will do this:

He shuddered as he looks away from her.

That was a sentence from your first chapter. Do you see how you put “shuddered” and then “looks”? You first used past tense and then you used present tense.

I suggest you choose one or the other. I prefer to read/write in past tense, usually, but you should write with whatever tense you feel comfortable with. I assume you are most comfortable with present tense, since that is what you mostly use, so use present tense.

Okay, firstly, this is called “parallelism” but it’s also known as “parallel structure.” Parallelism is having all the verbs and stuff in the same agreement.

She ran to the store, bought milk, and skips back home.

That sentence above is wrong because “ran” and “bought” are past tense. Therefore, “skips” must be “skipped.” It should be properly written as:

She ran to the store, bought milk, and skipped back home.

Another way you could write that is:

She runs to the store, buys milk, and skips back home.

As long as your verbs are all of one tense, then it’s okay to use either present or past, whichever you feel comfortable with. Just keep it consistent.

Click here to go to a website that explains parallelism very well.

 

Moving on, you do have other grammatical issues aside from parallel structure; you write your dialogue incorrectly. Well, you have most aspects correct.

First of all, whenever there’s a new speaker, you have to use a new paragraph. You already do this correctly though, so don’t worry about it.

Second of all, every time there’s a dialogue tag, you do not capitalize it (unless it comes before the dialogue (at the beginning of the sentence)). Dialogue tags are the “He said/She said” kind of stuff. You do this correctly, too… most of the time, at least. Sometimes, you capitalize the dialogue tags. You’re not supposed to do that.

Yours [Ch. 3]:  “Bommie-ah! You look so pretty!” Her mom praised her as she wears her prom dress.

Correct: “Bommie-yah! You look so pretty!” her mom praises Bom as she wears her prom dress.

Reason: “Praise” is a dialogue tag; therefore, you wouldn’t capitalize it.

Also, remember what I said about parallel structure? You could use either past tense or present tense but I used present because you tend to use present tense more often than past. Remember: Consistency is key.

I changed “her” to “Bom” because it was confusing. Because there are two females, you have to be clear on which woman the pronoun refers to; you have to be clear on who the antecendent is.

By the way, there’s a difference between “-ah” and “-yah.” If the person’s name ends with a vowel, you would use “-yah.” If the person’s name ends in a consanant, you would use “-ah.”

Examples: Bommie-yah. Jae Hee-yah. Miyoung-ah. Seojin-ah.

Lastly, if the sentence that follows a speech is an action, then you have to capitalize it.

Yours [Ch.1]: “Come here ddoong ddoong!” he waves his hand, gesturing her to come down.

Correct: “Come here, Ddoong Ddoong!” He waves his hand, gesturing her to come down.

Reason: You need a comma to separate a statement with a person’s name. And because it’s her specific nickname, it needs to be capitalized. Again, if it is an action (waving is an action), then you would have to capitalize it.

 

Also, I noticed that you have trouble with comma usage. You have a lot of comma splices, which is were you have two independent clauses and just put a comma between them.

Yours [Ch. 2]: Then someone he really knows comes in the entrance, she looks from left to right, searching for someone he knew.

Corrected: Then, someone he really knows walks through the entrance. She looks from left to right, searching for someone she knows.

Alternative Correction: Then, someone he really knows walks through the entrance, and she looks from left to right, searching for someone she knows.

Reason: I just think “comes in” sounds wrong. “Walks through” sounds better. And, again, keep your verbs in the same tense.

Click here and also here for a short but easy-to-understand list of how to use commas properly.

 

And another problem I saw was you couldn’t tell the difference between contractions, possessive pronouns, etc. so I will point them out.

We’re = We are. We’re at the party.

Were = Past tense of “to be.” They were at the party.

Where = Refers to a place. I don’t know where I’m going.

Who’s = Who is. I don’t know who’s going tonight.

Whose = Possessive. We don’t know whose drink that is.

You’re = You are. You’re beautiful.

Your = Possessive. That’s your present.

It’s = It is. It’s a great song.

Its = Possessive. The teddy bear has a smile on its face.

There = Names a place, a thing, or the existence of something. Quick trick: Replace “there” with “here.” If “here” makes sense, then use “there.”

Their = Possessive. Quick trick: Replace “their” with “our.” If “our” makes sense, use “their.”

They’re = They are. Quick trick: Replace “they’re” with “they are.” If “they are” makes sense, use “they’re.”

Who = Subject of the sentence. Quick trick: Replace “who” with “he.” If “he” makes sense, use “who.”

Whom = Direct object: the action is done upon them. Quick trick: Replace “whom” with “him.” If “him” makes sense, use “whom.”

Breath = Noun: air that is breathed in and out. He let out a deep breath.

Breathe = Verb: to take in air. He told himself to breathe slowly.

 

Sometimes, I see you switch up your pronouns. You would occasionally call Bom a “he” and even call GD, TOP, and Siwon a “she”… Please proofread your sentences.

Then I also see you put periods when you should put question marks. If it’s a question, don’t put a period; put a question mark.

 

I’m not really a Grammar Nazi, and I don’t really mind reading stories with bad grammar (though I prefer not to). I totally get that English is not your first language, and I won’t mark you down too much.

But honestly, though, your grammar is pretty good for a non-native speaker! Those misused words I had in the list up there only showed up very rarely, and you sometimes even used them correctly. It’s mostly the dialogue and parallel structure you struggle to understand, especially keeping your verbs in the same tense.

But don’t worry, even native speakers can’t write dialogue correctly. Trust me, I know a few… I was even one of them, to be honest.

Just keep practicing, double-checking, and using the links I gave you. You’ll be a pro in no time.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask me for help. I’m not as mean as I seem, I swear! And I would put a smiley face here but I’d like to maintain my professionalism so I won’t.

 

09 Overall Enjoyment [17/20]:

Since there’s not really a section to discuss your writing style, I’ll discuss it here since it affects how much I enjoy your story.

I have to complain about the large amount of spaces you skip for paragraphs. Skipping one line is good enough, but you skip at least five or six or maybe even more! That’s a crazy large space. (Especially in chapters 5 and 6, you skip a lot of lines!)

When I read fanfics, I always burrito-wrap myself in my blankets and read from my laptop screen. You skip such large spaces that…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…it makes it hard for me to read because…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…I have to keep sticking my arm out and…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…scrolling down a lot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hate that because…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…I don’t get to enjoy being wrapped up as a burrito.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See? It’s annoying, right? I understand you do it for “dramatic effect.” I mean, it’s okay to do it once in a while for dramatic effect, yes, but don’t do it too often.

 

Another thing I have to complain about are your author’s notes. You put them in a bright pink font, highlight them in black, and (sometimes) type them in all-caps. At least, for 99.99% of your author’s notes. Sometimes, you even use a bright blue font or a bright red font like this. Then you do the “PLEASE SUBSCRIBE, COMMENT, UPVOTE, AND ENJOY!” like this. Please don’t do that. It annoys me so much, no offense, but I-I just…… It annoys me. So. Much… So, so much… Seeing such huge fonts repeating the same message at the end of almost every single chapter is a huge turn-off for me. Huge.

I also don’t like how you include pictures. I know you’re trying to help us visualize what the characters are wearing, but do you read the polls on AFF? There was one yesterday, asking about what readers hated most. Most people voted for large fonts, bright fonts, and pictures.

Because of those huge turn-offs, I wasn’t really able to fully enjoy your story. It got annoying seeing so many blank lines, having to scroll down every few seconds just to read the next part, getting distracted by the huge fonts at the bottom of the chapter, etc.

 

I know I’m being really negative and rude right now, and I am so sorry for that, but there some things I really enjoyed about your story.

You have a great sense of humor, and I mean a GREAT sense of humor. I found myself cracking up a lot (especially at the TOPBOM pairing! I loved them in this story! Feels are everywhere, girl, feels are everywhere!!!!). And that’s quite rare for me to laugh out loud so many times. Usually, I’ll just smile or squeal (sometimes). While I was reading your story, though, I was really just laughing like some kind of maniac in a mental hospital.

Bom was just so hilarious, and I loved that part in chapter eight where she saw TOP’s abs. Her reaction was just priceless, and I’m smiling like an idiot just remembering that scene! I’m serious. If you saw me right now, you would mistake me for the Joker because I am smiling so much just thinking about their cute little moments.

 

Also, I hope you’re not discouraged by the score. I think your story is amazing and funny and just adorable. I’m so very sorry if I sounded really mean and rude during some parts of the review; I did not intend for that. Hope you like the review, and sorry that it took almost three whole weeks.

 

10 Grade: 70.4%