it’s in times like these that I realize I’m a very lonely person. I really have no one.
If I count how actual friends I have, I have to say I just have one. Good friends you count by the fingers of your hand I know, but besides her I have no one. And I rarely am with here because hour schedules never match. Never. I haven’t seen her since last year, and before that I haven’t seen her in two years.

While everyone goes out and parties, I stay at home with my parents. Don’t get me wrong. I love my parents, but I’m 21. I’m 21, going on 22 this December and all I can say I did with my life was study. All I can say is that, nothing else.

I do feel lonely sometimes, but I just forget it. I think “It’s okay”. But today I felt such loneliness that I can’t take it anymore.  It’s like something is stabbing my heart and I can’t take it anymore. Am I being selfish and greedy? Sure I am, but I think we all are. We all want someone to hear us, to be our friend, to love us, but…I don’t have. I don’t have anyone….

I survived bullying. In my own little corner, I surived all those mean, cold stares, those hurtfull words and the beatings. I survived and I’m proud of it because it made me strong. But I never had a friend that my hair and said “It’s alright, I’m here for you.”

I know right now I’m drowning in my own self pity, but I really can’t take it anymore. Everyone I knew left me, no one gives me a job no matter how much I look. I’m stuck alone at home every single day like a prisioner. I go out but as I do I see so many groups around me, so happy and I feel even more of an outcast.

I try to fit in, but I’m always seen as “weird” or “doesn’t fit in”. I don’t like to party. is it that serious?

All I want right now is someone to be next to me, to hold me and tell me everything is alright. Because I don’t think it will be. Every day my dad asks “So how was your day?” and he gives me so many advices. But I can’t put those advices in action because all the places I practically begged for a job don’t want me. I can’t even go and help my mother at her work. I want to tell them how miserable I am, how unhappy I am, but I’ll sound like a spoiled kid.

I know this is some stupid rant but I just can’t take it anymore. This loneliness is taking over me and I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Am I wrong for wanting to fall in love? Ist it wrong for wanting my prince charming?….Is it wrong for wanting a friend?

I’m sorry to annoy you, and I know most of you won’t even bother to read this. It’s not kpop, therefor not important to you, but I really need to get this out of my chest. It’s tiring to have the positive attitude towards the world every single day when the world turns it’s back on you.

I’ll stop writing now. My vision is too blury because of the tears….