Okay I'm not doing this for a pity party, I'm just doing this because I need someone to talk to even if no one reads this anyways. Well here it is, my 8th grade year back in '08 I started cutting myself. I did it because my death of my grandpa from the year before and the ual abuse from my step father from when I was little started to get to me and I needed a release. These cuts weren't that bad cause the situation wasn't that bad. Then one of my friends told my guidance counselor then I had to see a real counselor. It didn't help because I was in denial . Then my sophomore year, around Christmas time (which is around when my grandpa passed away) I got depressed and I started up again. Mind you, they weren't those little nicks they were long but not very deep. Once Christmas was over, I got out of my funk and stopped . Well I thought I had it under control until Christmas of '12. That's when I started to loose it. My cuts were deeper and longer, I even carved 'Forever Gone Never Forgotten' into my leg, which is still there. Yet again my mom found out and just yelled at me. Well two days ago, I was lying in bed and this uncontrollable urge overcame me. I had to cut and it had to be deep. Which I achieved. It wasn't deep enough though, I wanna go deeper and deeper but I can't because my razor is from a razor blade. I just don't know what to do, I want to get help but I can't. I'm not suicidal per say, I don't know what . I'm afraid to get help. I'm just scared...