To My Hyungs.
To Key hyung, Onew hyung, Minho hyung, and Jonghyun hyung:
First of all, Kibum hyung, I am so sorry that I've been absent for days.
Minho hyung, I'm sorry because I keep on avoiding all your messages...it's just that, I'm not ready. Yet.
Onew hyung, I'm sorry for not letting you in my room causing you to wait outside for an hour or so...and having Kai bug you because of that, and...for not approving your request quickly here in aff. Trust me, I regret it deeply.
Jonghyun hyung...I'm sorry for...well, if I did anything wrong to you, then I'm sorry.
Onew hyung, I'm sorry for not letting you in my room causing you to wait outside for an hour or so...and having Kai bug you because of that, and...for not approving your request quickly here in aff. Trust me, I regret it deeply.
Jonghyun hyung...I'm sorry for...well, if I did anything wrong to you, then I'm sorry.
I know you're all worried and I know that I owe all of you a proper explanation as to why I'm acting this way.
Please permit me to write this letter to you instead of meeting in our favorite coffee shop.
Please forgive me for doing it this way, I'd like to think that I'm much better with words when I'm writing them...and not when I'm speaking them. (You can ask the one who broke my heart for this. You guys all know how I can't seem to tell her how I really feel.)
Please permit me to write this letter to you instead of meeting in our favorite coffee shop.
Please forgive me for doing it this way, I'd like to think that I'm much better with words when I'm writing them...and not when I'm speaking them. (You can ask the one who broke my heart for this. You guys all know how I can't seem to tell her how I really feel.)
Hyungs, the reason that I've been absent for days is because of someone I shall not name who I don't really want to see but will have to if I choose to go to school.
Therefore, I'd rather stay at home and be here under the safety of my covers while I...
Therefore, I'd rather stay at home and be here under the safety of my covers while I...
I'm not sure about the word...is it heal?
I've been wounded, as you can see.
Normally, I would never admit to this, I have cursed noonas off forever and have been thoroughly convinced that they will only hurt me, and that they will never think twice in breaking hearts.
Until she came along.
Until she decided to go after me and try to change my beliefs.
The way she would constantly be so patient and forgiving despite putting her throughout so much hardship...
The way she would decide to get up whenever I would knock her down (sometimes on purpose) and come to me showing me that she would still be so patient in waiting for me to go around and change my mind.
The way she went and successfully break my shield, which I have so carefully built around me. It used to be everything-proof.
The way she would constantly be so patient and forgiving despite putting her throughout so much hardship...
The way she would decide to get up whenever I would knock her down (sometimes on purpose) and come to me showing me that she would still be so patient in waiting for me to go around and change my mind.
The way she went and successfully break my shield, which I have so carefully built around me. It used to be everything-proof.
But I should have known...it wasn't Aya-proof.
I assume you all know who she is?
Please don't get mad at her, Key hyung and Jonghyun hyung.
I know you don't want to see me hurt, and I'm thankful to you guys for that.
I know you don't want to see me hurt, and I'm thankful to you guys for that.
But this time, this time, I'm sure I'm the one at fault.
I kept on pushing her, trying to see where her limit is, and she has proven to me how strong she is.
And these past days...I am fairly sure I was showing her how I much I appreciate her now, even with Jooyeon noona around.
But it seems like I did something wrong, said something hurtful, was stupid enough...
Because the moment that I decided that maybe this noona is different from all others, she went and...
But it seems like I did something wrong, said something hurtful, was stupid enough...
Because the moment that I decided that maybe this noona is different from all others, she went and...
Decided that she didn't like me after all.
The words she last said to me is still ringing inside my mind, they still hurt, and every night, I go to sleep praying that when I wake up, the pain will be gone, or will at least be lessened even a teeny, tiny bit.
But no. It never happened.
But no. It never happened.
If that's even possible, I feel more hurt now than last night.
Is it because I am not seeing her? Is it because I am not hearing her voice, or hearing her laughters?
Please enlighten me hyungs.
Please enlighten me hyungs.
Jooyeon noona had broken me so badly before.
But I'm afraid this one had positively snapped me in half already.
But I'm afraid this one had positively snapped me in half already.
I am at a loss as to what I should do.
I decided to read fanfics while I'm at it, maybe romcoms will make me smile, maybe comedies will make me laugh until I cry (which would be a nice change from tears of sadness), or maybe even horrors or gory stories will twist my mind enough to get my thoughts off of her.
But they didn't work.
None of them worked even the slightest bit.
None of them worked even the slightest bit.
Romcoms had me reminiscing about the times we somehow spent together, and I always end up thinking, if it was me and her writing this story, it would have been much more better.
Comedies reminded me of her too, and how she would inevitably make me laugh without her trying, and I realised that these crackfics don't make me smile the way she does.
Horror and gore had me numb, because I feel more horrified when I think about the fact that she doesn't like me anymore and how I'm too late to change her mind...
Comedies reminded me of her too, and how she would inevitably make me laugh without her trying, and I realised that these crackfics don't make me smile the way she does.
Horror and gore had me numb, because I feel more horrified when I think about the fact that she doesn't like me anymore and how I'm too late to change her mind...
Please help me hyungs.
When Jooyeon noona hurt me before, I shut out everyone of you who tried to help me, but now, I'm going to do something different.
I'm telling all of these things to you hyungs, no matter how weird they seem to you.
I'm telling all of these things to you hyungs, no matter how weird they seem to you.
Because that's how I really feel.
I'm trying to be strong throughout this whole ordeal, but truly, I've never felt weaker.
Is it true that the only one who can heal your pain is the one who inflicted it?
Is that true hyungs?
Is that true hyungs?
Please don't let it be true.
I wanted so much to fight for her, so, so much, you have no idea.
I wanted so much to do all those 5000 things with her.
I want to shout out that weird nickname she always insists that I use on her.
I want to take her out to dinner and tell her that she looked nice in that new dress she brought. I want to sit with her all throughout calculus class, walk her to her next ones, and bug her to come with me to the library with the excuse of teaching her how to solve algorithms, when really, I just want to stay by her side a little bit more.
I want to buy her all those choco milks and drink them with her.
I want to go over to her house, brave her scary hyung, and make her ramen again.
I wanted so much to steal her back from that ugly-looking/second-hand rebound guy because I know she's supposed to be mine.
I wanted so much to do all those 5000 things with her.
I want to shout out that weird nickname she always insists that I use on her.
I want to take her out to dinner and tell her that she looked nice in that new dress she brought. I want to sit with her all throughout calculus class, walk her to her next ones, and bug her to come with me to the library with the excuse of teaching her how to solve algorithms, when really, I just want to stay by her side a little bit more.
I want to buy her all those choco milks and drink them with her.
I want to go over to her house, brave her scary hyung, and make her ramen again.
I wanted so much to steal her back from that ugly-looking/second-hand rebound guy because I know she's supposed to be mine.
I just want her back again.
But I'm not even really sure if I can do it...
Because what if she doesn't really like me anymore?
What if I finally decide to fight for her, for what I feel...she would actually be the one to knock me down?
Because what if she doesn't really like me anymore?
What if I finally decide to fight for her, for what I feel...she would actually be the one to knock me down?
I'm scared. :(
It didn't feel this way with Jooyeon noona.
I was just mad at her, and at everyone else.
I didn't feel like moping and being confused, and being alone and hurt.
But that's how I feel right now.
I was just mad at her, and at everyone else.
I didn't feel like moping and being confused, and being alone and hurt.
But that's how I feel right now.
Is being strong really like this?
Is this what being a man really feels like?
Does it involve having feelings of deep hurt and intense confusion?
Is this what being a man really feels like?
Does it involve having feelings of deep hurt and intense confusion?
Because I really am sure that I treated her well these past days...
I remember giving her banana milk, how excited I was that I could give her something.
I also remembered sitting with her, instead of transferring at the back with Jooyeon noona.
There was this time that I did everything I could to keep her warm because she went to school without anything useful at all to fend off the cold.
I thought I was doing a pretty good job...
I mean, I held her hand...
Tightly.
And I noticed everything about her, even her eyelashes.
They looked really pretty, like her eyes.
I noticed all things, and even though I didn't say anything about it to her, I thought I made her feel how it seems like she's all I see these days...
Hyungs...
Please say the truth...
Where did I go wrong...?
Is there anything I can do?
Is there anything I can do?
Do I have to go look for a job again and get money and do something to surprise her?
Do I have to get on my knees and say sorry?
Do I have to keep on begging?
Do I have to get on my knees and say sorry?
Do I have to keep on begging?
Please tell me hyungs, I would be willing to do it.
Would do anything, just to make it up to her.
It's just that...I don't really understand...
Is it because--
or maybe--
or...I was just...?
Ah, I don't think I can continue writing this anymore.
My head really aches and they're playing all these sad songs in the radio.
Why are they doing that? :(
I think I'll just go back to sleep...
Maybe, just maybe, my only prayer will finally be answered when I wake up.
Maybe, just maybe, my only prayer will finally be answered when I wake up.
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