I look at the reflection on the mirror, how pathetic have I become? No.. How did I break my own heart?

I don't know who's to blame..

Imagine yourself living inside lies.. Yes, a big lie..

Fit yourself inside my shoes..

You're raised inside a bickering family, you're siding the big liar while blaming the truth holder.. All of it ends with a divorce, wrong move.. I was innocent, all the questions that I have I locked inside my mind until the time comes..

Being a 15 to know the truth is just like swallowing a humongous bitter pill.. Though 4 years have passed but it scarred my memory, how can you believe that your mom is actually the person that held a serious mental disorder an accuse everything as an evil artwork of your own father? And your father himself is the one who holds the shame of having a crazy mother.. He loves her too much.. Foolish or is it a beautiful pain? He tries to save this woman from blood loss but this woman accuse him to do a malpractice and make her lost her life as a woman.. All I ever know that my father dump me because I didn't born as a boy but as a girl and it turns out everything is a lie from the fibber to take me away from the man that actually the one that guards me from all harm..

Everything is a puzzle, a hard riddle..

Now that I know, my heart is aching like crazy..

I want to hate her but she's the who raise me..

But the one that build me into a fine woman is that man..

But she's crazy..

And the man himself never contact me except for something important..

And she's a liar that'll never forgive anyone nor supporting someone's dream..

Yet the man silently help from the back and push me to the front..

The one I live for years but hurted me with painful stabs, or the one I barely know but ease my pain while creating a little scratch while trying?

This lump inside my throat.. I just want to yell and knock everything inside a painful roar amd rage..

I want to shout 'till my throat bleeds..

But a zipper already zipped my mouth..

Turning back into a hopeless masochist only hurts me more..

Just how broke am I now?