The Wanderers

Author: minminXP // Reviewer: Midnight-B2UTY

 

★ Title 3/5

It wasn’t really intersting to me. However, it was related to the story. It was actually pretty cliché-sounding to me, to be honest. I’ve heard the phrase “the wanderers” so many times in movies and real books.

 

I was surprised, though, when I didn’t find many fanfics on here with that title (though I did find some that were similar). So, I guess, I’ll give you points for originality.

 

★ Description/Foreword  13/15

Well, I think the description was pretty interesting. I don’t think it’s the most interesting description out there, but it got me wondering what was going to happen to Lay, Kris, and Lu Han after they leave the island (and also how they got on the island in the first place).

 

You didn’t really have anything in your foreword besides your author’s note and credits. Oh, before I forget, congratulations on winning first place in the contest!

 

★ Character Development/Showcasing 20/20

I think you portrayed your characters fairly well and made sure they stuck to their roles. I loved how they balanced each other.

 

Lu Han was the oldest but childish, short-tempered, and easy-going. Kris was more level-headed and always thought carefully before he did something. Then Lay always put others before himself and seemed a bit rash. I think that their contrasting personalities was the reason why they got along so well with each other.

 

They had a really deep bond, always looking out for each other. Then as the years went on, they matured, became stronger. They experienced horrible things, went through so many troubles, split up, made amends, and so on. They always supported each other. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that they had some nice bromance going on.

 

Truthfully, out of the nearly twenty reviews I’ve done so far… this is the first time I’ve ever given someone full marks in this section. Enjoy this moment.

 

★ Appearance 5/5

I really love the poster. It’s really beautiful and high-quality, so mad props to whomever made it. I also like how you used an easy-to-read font style, size, and color, so full points for this section.

 

★ Originality 12/20

It’s not that original. I haven’t seen many fanfics here about exploration, but there are a lot of movies like this where people set off from their homeland to find another place to live and blah blah blah.

 

I do, however, think that your plotline was really interesting. I was literally just burrito-rolled in my blanket and even found myself squealing when Lu Han fell off the boat. I knew someone would die, but I didn’t expect it to be Lu Han. Maybe it’s because he’s my bias and I refuse to believe it was him, but still. After he had fallen off, I already knew he was going to still be alive. I never get surprised by any twists in stories, fanfics, or movies. Maybe I’m psychic, I don’t know.

 

Well, I’m guessing the scarred man (near the end of the story) was Lu Han since you always described him as a person with honey brown hair. Plus, he was around their age and stuff.

 

I really loved the ending. It was so ambigious. We would never know if that man really was Lu Han (I feel like you’re just trolling us, making us think it’s him when it’s not. I don’t know, I’m weird). We would never know if “Lu Han” and Kris would ever meet again (though, they probably will. I mean, it’s just an island… not that big…). We would never know how Lay was doing out on his expedition with those people, if he died on the exploration, if he got a girlfriend, if he came back to the island.

 

But because I like happy endings, I’m going to pretend they all reunite and live happily ever after with Lay and Luhan getting married. Yay for LuLay! Hahaha. No. I’m a Hunhan shipper but that’s off-topic. Okay, overall, you had a good plot, good characters, and really managed to keep me on the edge of my seat (or the bed, since I’m on my bed but yeah).

 

★ Flow 5/5

You showed us their lives on the island, how things were normally, and gave us background on the people and the island itself. Then, because you showed us how they lived on the island, you gave us a reason to believe why they needed to leave.

 

Because of your amazing writing style, the way you describe things, the flow felt perfect. You included a lot of dialogue but still had a lot of detailed paragraphs to explain how the characters felt, to explain in detail what was happening.

 

You explained each scene perfectly; the scene with the volcano, the scene where we saw things from Kris’s point of view. I thought the flow was pretty nice.

 

★ Grammar/Spelling 21/25

You had really good grammar, which I expected since you are a fluent speaker.

 

I liked how I was able to visualize a lot. You used a lot of adjectives and adverbs, similes and metaphors, and descriptive writing. You’re a really good writer. But there are some errors.

 

Yours [Ch.3]: Cats, are a very, very big and scary creature that looks murderous…

Corrected: Cats are a very, very big and scary creature that look murderous…

Reason: I’m guessing it was probably a typo or something that just slipped your mind. If the subject is plural, then the verb does not require an “s” at the end.

 

Yours [Ch.3]: It bared its teeth and loud out a threatening hiss before slinking forwards a few more paces.

Corrected: It bared its teeth and let out a threatening hiss before slinking forward a few more paces.

 

Yours [Ch.3]: It’s endangered roar of pain…

Corrected: Its endangered roar of pain…

Reason: I’m sure you already know “its” is possessive, while “it’s” is a contraction for “it is.”

 

Yours [Ch.6]: …have always been there for Luhan and I…

Corrected: …have always been there for me and Luhan…

Reason: I don’t really know how to explain this. Okay! Well, if you delete the “Luhan and” part, the sentence would be: “…have always been there for I…” That is incorrect. It should be: “…have always been there for me…” Therefore, you have to use “me and Luhan”.

Chapter 5’s title “The Space Between You and I” is also wrong. It should be “The Space Between You and Me”. The preposition “between” must be followed by an objective pronoun (me, him, her, us). The pronoun “I” is a subjective pronoun (I, he, she, we) and therefore is incorrect.

 

There was only one other problem with your grammar: your dialogue.

 

Firstly, whenever there is a new speaker, all the things they say and all the things they do go into one paragraph. Secondly, whenever there is a dialogue tag, it’s not supposed to be capitalized; dialogue tags are stuff like “he said,” “she said,” “they yelled,” “the boy asked,” and so on. If there was an action like “He kicked,” “She slapped,” “They grabbed,” then it would have to be capitalized.

 

I’m not really good with words, since I’m a visual learner. I don’t know if you need an example but I’ll give one, anyway, because I’m awesome like that.

 

“Hey, Ji Eun-ah!” Baekhyun waved, running towards the girl.

“Hi, Oppa!” she greeted him warmly, opening her locker. “What’d you need?” She started to take large textbooks from her locker, giving them to him to carry.

“I just wanted to say,” he started, “that Kat is just super duper duper awesome!”

“Kat?” She blinked at him before a smile grew on her lips. “Yeah! She is! She’s just the best! So pretty and kind and just freaking awesome!”

He nodded. “I know!” he sighed dreamily, thinking about what a perfect girl Kat was. “I should really ask her out. She’s so amazing.” He watched as Ji Eun closed her locker.

“Yeah, you should,” she agreed, laughing.

 

Yes, I was being biased by adding my own nickname in there. Anyway, then… I hope you saw that when there was an action (highlighted in blue), I capitalized it. Then when there was a dialogue tag (highlighted in red), I did not capitalize it.

 

Also, if there was a dialogue tag between a sentence (in my example, “he started” was in the middle of a speech), then the second half would not need to be capitalized since it is a continuation of the first sentence.

 

There’s one last thing: IF and ONLY if there is a dialogue tag, then you have to end the dialogue with a question mark, an exclamation mark, or a comma. That’s IF there is a dialogue tag present. If there’s NOT a dialogue tag after the dialogue, then you must never end the dialogue with a comma.

 

I probably sound confusing right now. I’m definitely not the best at explaining stuff (sorry for that). To sum it all up:

-       Each speaker gets their own paragraph (with only his or her own actions and speeches). You already follow this rule, though.

-       Do not capitalize dialogue tags (that is, unless they come before the dialogue/at the beginning of the sentence).

-       Never end dialogue with a period IF there is a dialogue tag after it.

 

I would’ve copied an excerpt from your story but I decided to make my own example because, that way, I’d be able to include every aspect: the dialogue tags, the actions, the punctuation, and so on. (Plus, I’m too lazy to re-type a whole section of your chapter…)

 

★ General Enjoyment/Last Comments 5/5

Ugh, I don’t know. I feel like I wasn’t blunt enough?? So yeah, I’m sorry for not being blunt enough! And I feel like I was a bit too… spazzy? Unprofessional? Yeah, something is seriously wrong with me lately.

 

And I just now realized that your co-author is insertnamehere1, and you guys were the authors of “Kisses from Judas.” Wow… I feel…… slow.

 

I think both of those stories were amazing and definitely deserve much, much, much more attention. They were really well-written, had really interesting characters, and managed to make me scream at the screen.

 

Ha, no, I didn’t scream (I’m not that weird, okay?). I had to admit the scene where Lu Han fell off the boat made me squeal (which does not count as screaming!). I almost teared up… almost. I just don’t cry over books or movies or anything. But it was still a really emotional scene, especially when it was shown from Kris’s point of view.

 

Oh, but I have a quick question: Are you an EXOtic? You didn’t seem to enthusiastic/familiar with EXO in your foreword and author’s notes, but your DP is a gif of Tao and Chen and you also have EXO listed as your favorite groups. Yes, I did some profile stalking. I’m a creep, I know.

 

Okay, back to the topic, I feel that this story deserves to get featured. And “Kisses from Judas.” They both deserve so much more than what they got. So, yeah, I am recommending both stories for the “Featured Stories” section of the shop. Yay. /confetti

 

84/100 points