Warning: the following statements are my thoughts, opinions, and observations. I made sound obnoxious, arrogant, or irritating (sometimes even random). If you do would not rather have that, please don't read. Plus, it's pretty lengthy (just noticed it now).
 

I don't intend to sound dramatic and ask for your pity but I just have to let it out some way. Probably some of my friends and my sister would come across this, I won't ask them to read this or tell me what they think of when they come around to read this, I'd actually rather you do not. But I have to let it out some how or some way and I don't think just saying it would mean I'd be heard (I don't think putting it here would guarantee that I'd be heard here either, but the anonimosity of the internet comforts me.) I'd say I wouldn't care if anyone read this but that would destroy the purpose of me writing this in the first place.

I've been through various interests, especially in music. I've done a lot of things (although probably not as many as the people older than me) and have gone through different stages. I like to think I'm open minded and that I can easily adapt to things. That said I've observed that I don't stick to a single interest for too long. The only possible things I've taken up for so long would be art and gaming (but it's probably because there are a lot of sub-topics and sub-interests in that). I didn't think I'd be staying in the kpop scene for three whole years. The main reason that I'm sticking around would probably be my friends (and I've told them that already).

Getting back to the topic, I try to adapt and adjust as much as possible. I like to try new things and it usually results in me learning new things (of course, duh). Sometimes that would be fulfilling, sometimes it would be a huge disappointment. Recently though, I feel like I'd rather not try. There's no motivation for me to keep going or to keep adjusting to every single thing just to experience something new. That's bad, I know. It's not the first time this has happened to me and I've mostly pulled myself out of it the few times it did. This time though, I just don't feel it. Everytime I experience something new in the kpop scene, there's an equal guilt and frustration piling up. I usually just brush those off but recently it's been so strong that I've felt myself getting moody, frustrated, and just down.

I've thought about the possibilty of me being anti-social. I'm saying this in a serious tone (just saying 'cause I've joked about this before; jokes are half-meant anyway). I've always been comfortable alone, although I do get sad when I pass up an opportunity to be with my friends, I still feel best when I'm alone most of the times. And recently I haven't been having a lot of that. It's either I'm at school with classmates and friends or at home with other friends. I've thought of the possibility that maybe that's contributing to my frustration. Anti-social people gets frustrated around too many people, and maybe that's what's happening to me (I highly doubt it though).

Or maybe it's because of the invisible tension within my circle of friends -- the ones I met in the kpop scene. This is probably one of the reasons I would rather not have them read this, it'd be both a relief and a burden if they knew. There's been history with some of us, and I'm sure most people with those history would just brush it off. There's a lot of talk, too, when some of us aren't present. It isn't back-stabbing though, just a lot of criticisms and complaints. I won't say I'm not one of those people doing that and I'm sure I'm probably being talked behind my back, too.

I'll probably sound like I'm trying to come out as a victim or something along the lines of innocent here, but I'm not. I won't get tired of saying I'm the daughter of the devil and that isn't just a joke. If people can read into my thoughts and impressions, I'd probably have people making an anti-club of me, my friends would lead it.

I like to tell people to just say their complaints to that person themselves, and following my own advice, I do tell my friends my complaints about them (softly), but most of them just won't budge (I'd like to say all but, meh). There are still talks behind backs and I'm sure there are a lot of prejudices among us, secret angers and issues, but because we're 'friends' we'd just have to let it go and love each other, especially if it's one of the traits that we kind of like about them. I've gone over this issue with my other friends and I've just decided to let things like that slide and, well, since that's what makes them special, just let them be, but sometimes it gets a bit irritating and since apparently people react differently to criticism you can't just tell them that if you don't want your friendship to get ruined. Although sometimes, if you've picked the right person to be your friends, they'd actually watch themselves and keep in mind what you said, other times though, that friends would treat your complaint as just that and make no effort whatsoever.  

At this point, there're probably people like me (who gets frustrated with people who do this stuff, like me) who's saying "why don't you just tell them then". To be honest, I don't think they'd listen. I don't want them to read this because they'd get the wrong idea. I don't jump to conclusions when I say things like this (I don't like people just jumping to conclusions and failing to try, I've expressed that so many times with them) but I've probably been with them long enough (or at least had enough experiences with them) to know that they'd react the way I'm expecting them to.

Or maybe I'm just demanding. 

To be honest, It'd really just be a big relief of me to make one of those "i'm right and you're wrong" blogs with smart-arse comments and quotes, but the world is grey if you look at it from different perspectives. I don't like being biased, especially with my opinions. I don't like being one-sided, I don't like being close-minded. Although I'm sure I appear to be a lot of times and I can imagine people who know me scoffing and pffting at that statement. More of a reason I want to make a blog like that, it'd save me the trouble of thinking, omitting, and rephrasing.

I like meeting people, especially people who are different. People who actually like this over this, or people who's seen nothing but snow (instead of the opposite, gotta meet someone like that). Meeting diffferent types of people is inspiring and changing them would be so much of a waste, so I try not to be too involved, if ever come the time I see something I don't exactly like with them. It's not fair, I know, but that's why I'm the one usually keeping the distance. I don't like to taint what people are, they are that and are special that way (it would be so unexciting if things stay the way they are, but it'd be chaotic to change their key personalities just to match yours.) I think that would be selfish, and i've been plenty selfish the past seventeen (eighteen) years I've been alive.

Was a lengthy explanation but that's why I don't try to push my opinions and ideals on other people, especially my friends. That's who they are and what makes them unique, but then, what would you do if you were in my position?

I don't think people really understand how painful it is to consider every available opinion and perspective. How head-aching it is to make a decision or phrase a sentence to satisfy most of the people you're around and how frustrating it is if you've let somebody down or if you've realized you've done something wrong. It's not something you can just brush off and move on with, even if that person tells you they've forgiven you or if everything comes out okay in the end anyway. It's not that easy. It's a type of thing that haunts you to your grave and keeps you awake all night long. It's the thing that would fill your head when you're not thinking of anything, and that's not a good feeling.

Truth be told, I'm pretty frustrated with myself. By making this blog, I feel like I'm making excuses and running away. And there's the fact that a voice in the back of my head is saying that it's okay. It's what I do anyway. I don't like thinking like that, but then again, why would I not like it?

It's so frustrating to think that there's a part of me that's saying "I don't need people anyway", but why would I be frustrated if that was true? And then a mental argument between myself and I would occur; one saying that I'd have to do what I love and be happy to live, another saying that why would I want to live anyway, what the point of life anyway? One would be carefree and let every frustration go, another would hold on to it and try to reform me into that ideal person that schools try to make you into; a robot.

I'm probably bipolar, having something wrong with my brain. I'd rather not see a psychiatrist or a psychologist or whoever you see though. The thought of being like everybody else, being normal, doesn't exactly satisfy me. Why would I want to be normal anyway? Why is not being normal bad? Why does thinking differently or acting differently considered bad? Because it's not in line with our etiquette? Because of rules? Because that's not humane? Why is it so bad not being humane or decent or civilized? Because it's chaotic or hurts people? What's the point in that anyway?

Ack. I'll stop here. I don't like having these thoughts, even more typing or writing them down. I'd consider it not healthy, but then the mental debates would occur and the only thing I'd get is a headache. In the end I'd realize I've only gone round without any answers or conclusions. This turned out pretty lenghty. I'd like to say I hope someone would come across this and that I'd be happy if I made someone -- anyone -- think, but that would mean I'd be happy I've imposed or implied my opinions on thoughts on somebody else. And that would ruin them.

"If everyone was super, then no one would be"