It's been nearly a year since I've been on here, and we all know what a terrible, discouraging author I am for leaving 21 Days of June off the hook and how I deserve to crawl in a hole and weep about my selfishness for never even saying hey or hi or simply visiting the site once in a while...but I guess instead of lamenting on how much of a failure I am, I want to tell you why I did an unexpected hiatus. It's because one day I decided to start a K-pop diet. 

I'll start by telling you that at exactly 5'0, I have never been obese. Maybe a slight bit chunky, but never obese.In fact, I was what people would consider pretty average. My weight never touched 110 or over, despite my 4x a week fast food habit and my 1 can of Coke a day habit. I was a bit round and soft and had some aches and pains unusual for a young girl, but it never really bothered me. I was always very confident. 

Until one day I kept watching music videos of girl groups and then paused to go look in the mirror and ask myself. "Why am I not skinny enough?"

 We all say we'll never do it, as in starving ourselves or depriving ourselves, and to make it affirmative, we say how gross it is how some girls and guys in the Korean music industry are so, so, so small and how we don't want to be a bag of bones. Unfortunately, however, our eyes sometimes betray us.

Once I looked at those flat bellies and gaping thigh gaps and toned arms, I lost it. It was like opening my eyes for the first time. I was chubby. My belly swelled. My arms jiggled. My thighs were soft. My face was round. And which guy (particularly a Korean guy) wants a girl chubbier than him? 

So after much research on K-pop diets and fitness tips, I started my metamorphic body change in late May. I quit fast food and soda, drank lots of oolong and green tea, went on the elliptical every day, ate a bit more fruits and veggies, and bought a scale. Three weeks later, I was barely 100 lbs. But after much debate in the mirror, I decided I was still fat, because everyone knows fat weighs less than muscle, and any girl weighing one hundred shouldn't be so round like me. 

I persisted, crossing out the ridiculous K-pop diets and swapping it for a lifestyle change with moderation as key, and kept myself "motivated" by admiring Korean girl singers and watching Dr.Oz. Three more weeks passed, and I dropped down to 97. I was estatic but still terrified. I lost that weight in an extra three weeks. In three weeks more, I could easily gain it back. So what did I do?

I pushed and pushed. I was losing fat like no tomorrow. But  the number on the scale was stubborn. It wouldn't move for two weeks, no matter if I stripped bare and stood on it. 97 was the maddening of me. I was going crazy. I needed to feel good about myself, so I measured myself daily. 25 inch waist, 31 inch hips, 50:30:20 leg ratio. All seemingly normal. But not quite good enough. I just wanted to have a weight of 95.  When would those two pounds go away?

I was at war with myself for two and a half months. Pretending I was proud of myself when really I wanted to be even less. Ignoring my mother's persistance to try and eat some form of sweet at least twice a week. 

In October, I visited my wonderful doctor. I got weighed and mesured but I didn't bother looking, as I already knew the results.  My doctor lead me to the room and my mother waited in the lobby. And then my doc, who hadn't seen me for a year, asked me right away, "Have you been eating?"

I figured she would say something like that. So I replied, "Oh yes. My appetite is very large." It was true. Since I had been eating my daily servings of fruit and veggies, my appetite was shooting to the moon. 

Then she gave me a puzzled look and said, "Because you've lost a lot of weight...you haven't weighed this little since you were eleven." 

A whole lot of thoughts flew through my brain: WHAT? Since I was eleven? Meaning...almost five whole years ago? I didn't weigh 97 when I was eleven, I weighed a lot less! 

So I asked her, a bit nervously. "How much do I weigh?" 

And when she told me...I understood.

My scale at home had broken.

I was not 97. 

I was barely 92. 

At first I was estatic and then I was ashamed. I was so worried about the number of the scale, I hadn't realized how skinny I had gotten. I was very limber. My stomach was flat. My facial structure was so defined. I could overlap my thumb and forefinger around my wrist. And only until I heard of my weight did I see it.

Anyways, me and my doctor had a good conversation about body image. I discovered that this was my weight loss limit, I could lose no more without being catagorized as underweight or malnourished. She told me to stay fit and be active and never let a scale dictate the perception of myself. 

And ever since then, I've been doing just that.

Today, I moderate my K-pop intake. It isn't healthy for me to devote my life to a bunch of idols and wish I was "Korean-skinny." I listen to K-pop occasionally but I don't follow up on idols' personal lives and frankly I don't care about their bodies anymore, it's their music and nothing more. Even then, I balance it out with some other types of music so I'm not so obsessed. I still eat my daily serving of fruit and veggies but I treat myself to a fatty treat once a week. I started working out more to gain muscle and have noticed serious results but don't bother stepping onto the scale even though we fixed it. I'm proud that I can eat everything in moderation, work out, and feel good about myself regardless of a stupid number. 

So, if you're going through the dying-to-be-thin-faze, let me just tell you three things I wish someone told me earlier. 

1) Don't believe in the scale. Believe in your health, and in your doctor, and also your heart. You will know when you're on the right track, I assure you. The scale won't. 

2) Never diet. A diet is something you come on and off very quickly. Just as you lotion your skin once a day for a week, you can't expect it to last all your life. Same with diets. They won't last. Just eat healthy. Anything in moderation. Those fries have their place in your life too. 

3) Educate yourself about healthy eating and fitness. Talk to professionals. Don't do it alone. You could do more harm than good. 

And bonus...love yourself! It's cheesy but if you can't do it, no one can! <3 

So that's why I was gone. I was simply discovering myself. I hope to continue writing eventually, but as for now, I'll see you all later!

Love always,

mindoverclouds xxx