Forgive Me, Child...

Author: Moony_Kat // Reviewer: Midnight-B2UTY

 

Title ( 15 / 15 ):

It was nice and fits the story perfectly. I like how it makes the reader wonder who’s asking for forgiveness, what have they done to have to beg for forgiveness, and so on. It’s also nicely capitalized. The ellipsis adds a perfect touch to the drama.

 

Description and Foreword ( 9 / 10 ):

I think the description was… okay. It honestly wasn’t that intriguing to me.

When I saw the first line (“This is not your typical love story”), I was literally just like, “Oh, boy.” Firstly, I hate it when authors do that. They always say, “This isn’t your typical love story,” or “This isn’t your typical arranged marriage fanfic,” or something similar. Most of the time, it really is your “typical love story.” Cheesy lines like that won’t pull the reader in. I think the rest is pretty fine. There’s one sentence, though, that really confuses me; I’ll go over it later in the correct section.

Although the description was okay, the foreword was beautiful. I absolutely love, love, love the quote you had in there. It’s very beautiful. I wonder, where did you hear it from? Or did you come up with it on your own? If not, then you should really say who it’s from; otherwise, it’d be almost like plagiarism. If you don’t want to say or don’t know who it’s from, you should also include a disclaimer. It doesn’t have to be big and bold or anything, just a small little “I don’t own anything but the OC(s)” at the corner would suffice.

 

Plot ( 13 / 25 ):

·         Originality ( 10 / 15 ):

I don’t think it’s original. There are a lot of fics between an idol and their fan. However, you did add your own twists so it wasn’t that bad.

You had a lot of plot twits, actually. Honestly, though, I saw them all coming. I’m not lying when I say I expected Lyn Da to sleep with Junhyung, and I’m not lying when I say I knew Da Rim’s father was Junhyung. It’s not very easy to surprise me, as no authors - not even one - ever “surprise” me with the plot “twists” they put in their stories.

I’ve always been able to easily predict “twists” in each and every story I’ve read - fanfic or not. Nonetheless, you had a good plot. It was all original but wasn’t all cliché either.

·         Believability ( 3 / 10 ):

I think it was pretty believable. I can see how Lyn Da’s father started to abuse her, why he did what he did.

I also can see why she had gained so much weight, since a lot of people do turn to food for comfort because they have no friends they could turn to. However, she was a bit cliché. She wasn’t a Mary Sue, no, but she was cliché. I mean, there are so many fics where the main character is a girl who’s either obese or abused or even both.

Then, of course, many guys fall in love with her; that aspect was unbelievable. I mean, it’s okay for a girl to have a lot of guys crushing on her, but it’s not normal for a girl to have four guys (Simon, Seungho, Thunder, and Junhyung) completely head over heels in love with her. Two, sure, but four? It’s normal for a lot of guys to like one girl or to be really protective over her but for four guys to be in love with her like that? Um, no…

I’ve also noticed you tend to over-exaggerate a lot. Like, the accident that caused her mother to die. I don’t think fan-girls would ever freak to the point where they would egg a moving car, causing the people inside it much harm. Sure, a lot of fan-girls are crazy and obsessive, but I don’t think they’re brainless like that. At least, most of them.

Again with the fan-girls: the part where they camped outside her house when they found out she was “dating” Junhyung. Um… I doubt fan-girls would ever do that in real life; I doubt anyone would ever camp outside a pregnant woman’s house, not allowing her to leave and get food to make the baby inside her healthy, egging her whenever she went outside, and so on. It’s just so… unrealistic. Also, why would they egg Seung Ho? Like, he’s an idol. If they’re a B2UTY, they’re most likely an A+. I mean, practically all B2UTYs or A+s are MBLEAST shippers so I doubt they would ever egg their precious idol like that.

 

Presentation ( 10 / 10 ):

I loved the poster. It was really clean and professional-looking, so mad props to whoever made it. It matched the sad theme of the story so well, and I love the little movie-like credits at the bottom of it.

 

Characters ( 14 / 15 ):

Like every fiction character and real-life human, yours had their good and bad sides.

Seungho: He was really mature. Maybe, it was because he was old and old people tend to be quite wise because of all the things they’ve experienced. It amazed me how he didn’t yell or anything at Junhyung when they found out he had slept with Lyn Da. He was so mature and was the first to let go of the past, to let go of the grudges, to move on with their lives.

Despite how he was so mature, he still had his egocentric side. He was still a bit sarcastic and playful with his words but, at the same time, he was still so sensitive. He had many regrets and much guilt, just like any real human being in this world.

Lyn Da: She was sometimes very selfless. Like the time where she broke up with Simon for him to live a good life. Then there were times where she was so selfish, very selfish. I hated how she was a bit contrasting with her words and actions.

She kept snapping at Junhyung; she kept acting cold towards him, telling him how much she was in love with her husband, telling him how he should move on. Then all of a sudden she’s all inviting him to her place, cooking him dinners, letting him get close with her son, and then, worse of all, sleeping with him.

I hated that so much, her sleeping with him that is. Even if she had left Seungho, she was still married to him. And I hate cheaters. I find them disgusting, to be honest, even if they do it unintentionally.

Then after she sleeps with him, she just meets Seungho again, makes up with him, and then sleeps with him. I’m not saying she’s a , but I’m saying she sure was acting like one.

After she had gotten back with Seungho, she started treating Junhyung coldly again, telling him again how much in love with Seungho she was, even if she had cheated on him.

I don’t hate her; I hate the choices she made. However, I liked how she was aware and regretful of them. I liked how she wasn’t purposely leading Junhyung on. I liked how she was so stubborn and independent.

At the same time, though, I hated it. There were so many times where she was just so rash, so stubborn, so short-tempered that I just wanted to jump into the story and punch her in the face. I guess that’s a good thing, though, since you actually got me so… involved in the story, which is rare for me.

Junhyung: Oh… I don’t really want to say anything bad about him. I’m a B2UTY, afterall, but I’ll set my biased self aside and try to be professional in this.

Okay, first off, he was really… creepy. Not stalker-like creepy but… creepy. He was so persistent… SO PERSISTENT!!!! He didn’t know when to give up. I hated that; I hate it when people can’t take “no” for an answer. Like Lyn Da, I just wanted to jump into the story and punch him. He just pissed me off so much.

However, as the story progressed, he was able to realize his wrong-doings. I liked that; I liked how he was able to develop from each entry of the diary they had read. I liked how reality had slapped him for me, saving me the trouble of jumping into the story.

Thunder: He was really sweet and patient. However, every human has their limits. He did, too, like when he let curiosity get the best of him and read ahead in her diary without Seungho knowing.

I wish he had met another girl, a girl that was able to mend his broken heart. He deserved it; he deserved someone to love, someone that was actually his and not his friend’s. I felt so bad for him. I was really able to feel his pain because, ouch, does it hurt to be friend-zoned.

Okay! I typed a lot. All in all, I loved the way you portrayed your characters. I loved the way you wrote. It really helped me get a good grasp on their feelings. You really showed good character development, really good character development. They had so many regrets, so much pain, so much suffering. Now that they were all no longer young, they all realized how many foolish… foolish mistakes they had made in the past. And that’s what life is: growing up, realizing your mistakes, learning from them, moving on.

 

Spelling and Grammar ( 8 / 10 ):

Although your English is very good, since you are fluent afterall, you do have a few errors. If you’ve read my other reviews, you’d know I’d only take the time to point out important or repetitive ones. If not, then… well, now you know.

 

Yours [Description]: But everyone knows that love founds ways where there is none, that digs tunnels in the darkest places only to find light.

Corrected: But everyone knows that love finds ways where there are none, that love digs tunnels in the darkest places, only to find light.

Reason: Well, I don’t know how to interpret this sentece; I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. You have to keep verbs in the same tense, which is called parallelism. Plus, founds isn’t a word. Also, between the words that and digs, you need the word love; you could also use the word it.

 

Yours [Ch.1, 2^nd Paragraph]: And it was as if she grew roots on the soil underneath it, that gave it strength to remain…

Corrected: And it was as if she grew roots in the soil underneath her, giving her strength to remain…

Reason: If you refer to the house as a “she,” then you cannot refer to it as an “it” in the same sentence. I’m not sure if that made sense so I will give you an example.

Example of what NOT to do: The bottle of eyeliner was bragging about how lucky she was that Baekhyun was using it.

Okay, that was a totally weird sentence. Notice how I first called the bottle a “she”; then I called the bottle an “it” when I said, “Baekhyun was using it.”

You can’t write like that. It should be correctly written as: The bottle of eyeliner was bragging about how lucky she was that Baekhyun was using her.

You make this mistake again in the sentence after that. You first called the magnolia tree an “it”; then you said “spreading the smell of his beloved flowers…” It should be: spreading the smell of its beloved flowers…

If you use personifcation, please be sure to keep the object in the same gender. If you make the object a male, then keep it as a male. If you make the object a female, then keep it as a female.

 

Yours [Ch.1, 3^rd Paragraph]: …eager for you to see the chimney who’s fire was dead right on the right.

Corrected: …eager for you to see the chimney whose fire was dead right on the right.

Reason: “Who’s” is a contraction for “who is.” Examples: Who’s going to the party later? Who’s going to join me in taking over the world? Who’s going to help me prank the birthday boy? If you replace Who’s with Who is, it’ll still make sense.

“Whose” is possessive. Examples: Whose cellphone is this? Whose camera is this? Whose dog is barking so loudly outside? I don’t know whose backpack that is.

 

Here’s another important aspect of grammar you do incorrectly: dialogue. Here are the basic rules:

-          Whenever there is a new speaker, it must be a new paragraph (even if they only say one word). It must be a new paragraph. Aside from one person’s dialogue being in one paragraph, the actions (if any) that that one person completes must also be in that paragraph.

-          Whenever there is a dialogue tag (he said, she said, he yelled, they laughed, she screamed, etc.), you do not capitalize it.

-          IF there is a dialogue tag, you can never end the dialogue with a period. It must end with an exclamation mark, a question mark, or a comma.

-          Whenever the sentence that follows the dialogue is an action (He ran, She slapped, They grabbed, They threw, He punched, etc.), you must capitalize it.

-          IF the sentence is an action, then you must never end the dialogue with a comma.

Here’s an example of how to write dialogue correctly:

“Hey, Eunji-yah!” Junhyung waved as he ran over to his little sister.

“What?” she asked, blinking at the rapper as she grabbed books out of her locker.

“We should buy Kat some Kit Kat later,” he suggested as he politely held her books for her.

“Yeah, we should!” the girl agreed, giggling. “She’s so awesome, huh?” She closed her locker and turned to leave, her brother walking beside her.

“Yeah! Really awesome.” He nodded eagerly, smiling at the thought of such an amazing girl.

Okay, yeah, I was totally being biased by adding my own name into that example. But hey, since you’re also called Kat, you can also pretend that’s you.

Okay, back to the point. Did you see how whenever there was a dialogue tag (she asked, he suggested, the girl agreed), I didn’t capitalize it? Then whenever there was an action (Junhyung waved, She closed her locker, He nodded eagerly), I did capitalize it? Also, whenever there was a new person speaking, there was a new paragraph for them.

 

Moving on from grammar errors, you do have some spelling errors.

Firstly, you always spell cozy as cosy. Cosy is incorrect; it’s not a word.

Then you spell steak as stake. Stake is the wooden/metal stick thing that is driven into the ground to mark something or support something (and also to kill vampires). Stake is also to risk something, to put something at “stake” in order to win something. Steak, on the other hand, is a delicious slab of beef that I would I love to have right now.

I don’t think you know the difference between lose and loose. You seem to switch them up quite often. Lose means to have something taken away or the failure to obtain, to win. It can also mean to be unable to find something. Loose is different. It’s something that’s not firmly attatched, something that’s free and not tight-fitting (a loose shirt, a loose knot).

Then there’s shoe and shoo. Shoe is the footwear we put on to protect our feet. Shoo is something we do to get something/someone to go away (We shooed the crazy children away from the cake).

Then you also use the phrase outloud often. It’s not one word; it’s two. It can be written as aloud or out loud; both are acceptable but aloud is more formal.

 

Writing Style ( 10 / 10 ):

I love the way you write, the details you use, and the way you describe. It made your story feel so much more… realistic, should I say? I felt like I was able to imagine the scenery or feel a character’s pain or happiness. I was really able to connect with the characters, their emotions, their perspectives on events.

I truly think you’re a great writer. It’s rare to find such good writers on AFF, considering most of us are so young and have not yet fully realized our potential. But wow… I really loved your writing style. It was beautiful and- Okay, yeah, I’m going to stop before I barf from the cheesiness. Overall, good job.

 

Flow ( 5 / 10 ):

There were parts that were flowing perfectly and other parts that were flowing… not-so-perfectly. It seemed like you were rushing.

Like, the part where Seungho and Lyn Da were all arguing cutely but getting along well just fine. Then she just suddenly gets upset and breaks up with him. Then, all of a sudden, Junhyung and her all suddenly shopping for baby stuff together, him offering to be the father of her baby. It was all too fast for me.

There was also that scene where Seung Ho was getting egged by the fan-girls. He literally just said one or two things, and the fan-girls were just like, “Oh, well. Let’s go, girls!” Like…… seriously? Um, they didn’t even apologize? Aside from their bad manners, that scene went really fast. They literally just packed up their tents and stuff and just left.

I also think it would have been better if you included more Thunder/Lyn Da moments. I wasn’t able to see why Thunder had fallen in love with her; I wasn’t able to see why he was so lost in love with her, why he was so in love with her that he had never been able to love another woman again.

 

Enjoyment ( 15 / 15 ):

I really enjoyed your story. Like… a lot. I think it deserves many more readers and subscribers than it has. It’s so much better than the stories out there that have tens of thousands of views and thousands of subscribers.

 

Bonus ( 3 / 5 ):

I gave you 3 bonus points (obviously). Well, you really deserved it. Plus, you included my bias from MBLAQ. Oh my God, the feels!

On a more professional note, I docked off two points for its cliché, sometimes unrealistic (four guys completely and utterly in love with the same girl, so in love that none of them - not even one - were able to move on for the rest of their poor little lives? Really?), and predictable (for me) plot.

 

Total Score ( 102 / 125 ): 81.6%

Wow, and I’m so sorry this took over a week! I had a lot of last-minute family problems I had to deal. I’m so sorry! I hope you like the review, though? I made it extra long and detailed (which I hope is a good thing?) to make up for how long it took. Thanks for requesting!