I think I love him even more

I went to go see him and his band playing at this small underground club/hangout

It's like a hangout for those who feel misplaced

After playing their usual set a really familiar tune started playing

Then I could feel Adam's eyes burning into me

He doesn't sing, he plays the bass

but I knew he was the one who picked the song

Warrior is Back
We Gonna Rock This
B.A.P

What’s your B?
I will confront and fight for the souls in this street, whoa

What’s Your A?
The starting point of a new revolution
Stop me if you can

What’s your P?
An evil DNA, virus
We have lost all of our warriors
Once again, what’s the name of the game? B.A.P
Everyone stand up

I nearly cried when they started playing this song

I knew it was Adam

it had to be

I forced him to listen to K-POP while we were dating

While they were playing the song Adam and I kept staring at each other

I went their secretly and stayed in the back of the crowd so they wouldn't see me

but somehow he knew I was there.

When the song ended the guys said their goodbyes to the crowd and started to pack up their gear

I panicked

I don't know why

But when I saw Adam trying to pack his things quickly while trying to keep eye contact with me

I panicked

I ran

People started pushing me

shoving

yelling for me to get out of the way

I panicked

he could see I was drowning

he started to pack even  faster

I ran

outside the cold air burned my lungs

my vision became blurred

I was having a panic attack

I didn't go with anyone to the club because I didn't want anyone to judge me

but now as everyone passed by me on the street they thought I was trippin out on drugs

I walked away from the club to see if getting farther away from him would help

it didn't

I heard him calling for me

looking for me

I panicked

I ran

I don't know why

I've wanted to see him for so long but I don't know if he would like me

the last time I saw him at the coffee shop I had a wig on, makeup and tried to act like the old me

the new me at the club had weird patchs of hair, no makeup and scars covering my arms and chest

The Ann that Adam likes isn't the one who seeks pleasure from pain

he likes the girl that laid down on the road at 3 in the morning just to look at the star

I don't look at the stars anymore

I look at the darkness surrounding it

His voice got louder as he came closer and closer to finding me

I hid in a crowd of people making their way onto the bus

there was so many people I didn't think he would see me

but just as the bus doors were closing he managed to make his way on

he sat beside me

we didn't talk

we just sat there

when the bus got to my stop I didn't get off

I stayed sitting there

Adam didn't move either

His bass sat between his legs as his fingers tapped a familiar beat

this was Adam

the same as always

was I the only person who changed?

We rode on the bus for almost 2 hours

the same route over and over again

we didn't say a word to each other

we finally looked at each other and he looks the same but so very different

mature

aged

wiser

he looks like he has lived while I have been kept safe in a plastic bubble

"Come on...let's go home."

he grabbed my hand and dragged me off of the bus maybe five or six stops away from our neighbourhood

he led me so effortlessly

I was powerless

I wanted to run

With his bass slung over his right shoulder and his left hand holding my right hand so tightly I thought I was dreaming

I trailed behind him like a child and that's what I felt like

I've become so weak while he has become so strong

We didn't say a word

He took me straight to my house like this had been our regular routine

he stood at the bottom of my drive way holding onto my hands that were shaking

shaking from the cold or the shock of seeing him again, I don't know

"Hey..."

he had his usual smirk

I was so angry

"Why didn't you text me back!"

I haven't seen him in so long and that was the first thing I said to him

He hugged me

a real hug

not a pity hug I get from my parents every day

this was a real hug

he missed me

I could feel it even if he didn't say it

"I love you"

I froze

Was I suppose to say it back?

In my head I was screaming it, but my mouth wouldn't work

he just smiled and hugged me tighter

"You don't need to say it back. I just want you to know."

He kissed the top of my head that was covered by my favourite grey hat and let go of me

I felt cold again

but then again maybe that was from being outside for so long

He waved goodbye and headed off to his parents house

I don't know how long I stood there

he was long gone before I finally walked into my house

I rushed to my room so I could hide

I feel like I'm floating

I don't know how to describe this feeling

I'm not panicked

I don't want to run anymore

he's back

I'm back

 

 

 

 

 

 

peace

is

finally

mine