Warning
I actually don't wan't any comment on this one, It's just my heart who wanted to tell you something, I could have write it privat but than I wouldn't had let it out right?
I just needed to open up to finaly let the past go, and made it that open actually everybody could read.
because my biggest fear is probebly to look weak in front of my friends, because I want to be storng for them
So pleace just don't read any further if you not willing to just listen to my complaings about my live!


Today my thougt keep flowing in to my mind, depressiv once, but very good once as well.

I just need to write it down somehow to get kind of a clrearer state up there.

Strangely  lately I keep thinking in english, if I use a bathroom, thats kind a strange, since I still struggle a lot with the language, and my pronunciation is still horrible.

Anyway, I feel like at the moment like everything is still possible, I'm not to old to reach my dreams, but there also look like impossible fare.
I shopuld keep going but what if it is the wrong way?
2012 was some how the darkest year in my hole hiestory. I mean I made often cuts, but it's teh first time I really felt the cut bleeding.
But I also felt the relieve.
Don't get me wrong I do not scarify my skin in anyway.
I meant a livestyle cut, I just changed everything. like a catterpillar who changes into a butterfly slowely. I'm just still not at the state I can think about my self as a pretty butterfly.
I just hope I can reach this thought this time.

There are many people around me who dislike me because I have a dog, to be honest.

Without my dog, I couldn't imagine my self living right now.
I never tolled anyone, but behind my happy surface, bubly talkactive and cheerfull person there was always this girl who didn't have the spirit to walk further.
I still strugle with this girl inside me, who keeps telling me you can't do it.
Who keeps flashing me that one fluet. I still rember it clearly, a fluet for children I gues, very easy to use.
I turned around 6 year old and my only dream was to learn to play drums.

i wasn't aloud because I was a girl, and I was to young.
So my grandmother wished me to learn piano, wich of curse ended in a big dissaster since the piano is really the oposite of drums.
And there was this dark part of my famile who always hated me because my mother hadn't a husband and we lived in my granparents house, And how there were jelous and affraif I could inherit more than there children because of that.
Seriously if this is our only problem than get a live familie?
Did I ever asked one of your dfihfi for money?!
Really I coul vomit just thinking about them.

Anyway since there knew I didn't get what I wished, ther eprobebly wanted to strew salt in my wound, and presentet me a cheap child fluet, since there three perfect children who all had the money to go tu a super rich school learned all fluet, because thats the instument perfect children learn here, Fluet or piano.
There was something wrong with that fluet since there were only three holes, at least I thought it looked wrong since there had pretty fluets with many holes an there weren't much older than I.

So I asked them , why? And if ther ehad begun with such a fluet as well?
There answer was and I never will forget there smiles of I don't know agony, or I think I prefer to sas derisive, with a wrong kind of pity.

"Of course not!"

There wa snothing more, but there way there told me a 6 year old, I knew there hated me, and there didn't believed I would gona be anything except for a pain in there because I existed.

it's pretty bad to know that you familie actually feels about you like a pain in the .

And the worst even MY ing kindergarten teacher thought that way about me.

So I kind a gave up than, and I feel deply regretfull I didn'0t fight than for my dreams.
So I should now, but instead of fighting, I writing my heart into a piece of paper everyone actually could read.
Don't misunderstand me, I don't need any pitty.
I'm really fine, because I knew my weak pretty well, it's this small voice, and this year I know I gona find an mude it.
So don't pitty me, I'm really fine, because I realized what I have to do first out of all my thought.

Thank you for listening ♥