Hey my lovelies,

I am sorry as always, but the fic isn't going to be updated til monday.

I just can't anymore...It's like every single decides to fall on me. Everything is getting worse and worse by minutes, not days anymore. I feel so bad, so destroyed in heart that I come to absolute numbness in the end. It's ing terrrifying. I hate it. It's a feeling that I hope neither one of you feels. Guys I just really want to die. Not because I am seeking attention, not because I am a teen...but because I feel that there is not a single place my heart wasn't shredded to little pieces. I'm crying as a retarded kid right now hiccuping every two seconds. I just want everything to stop and leave me alone.....just alone. That would be all.

My mother found out that I was cutting. She went into a panic mode, she cried and she said sorries. I believed her. I felt like I was finally free, that she'd understand, but the next day it was just nothing. She uses that as a joke....a frekinm joke! Is me putting a blade in my thigh that funny? She says I won't terorize her with such things...that she had been through worse, but she never was as weak as me. She doesn't even care...

I feel to alone...and me writting that fic is like tearing my wounds open. Every chapter where I wrote happiness and freedom is like putting a ton of salt on my wounds. I sat through some of them crying my eyes out, but afterwards feeling so proud that I was able to get readers[anyone's] attention. But everything stopped. I cannot write the chappie without going into hysterics and it's torturing me how selfish I am. I feel like a monster that can't even create happiness in non-existen lives.

Feel so alone guys....just so alone that it actually feels better to plan my own suicide for the up coming day. I never do it, but it feels better. The cutting is just a reminder for me guys that I am alive...that I am still a creature...tthat I should seek happiness. I do not sound insane...but I came to a day where after seven years of chaos I feel so lost that it actually breaks me. I don't even know what I want anymore.

And the most sickly ironic thing is that I didn't kill myself today was because I really wanted to see my boys shine, They came back after a year and being so dependable on their music, who am I to not even to see their comeback...I feel insane actually.

I love you...please do remember this....I really do. Those who saw me not really seeing me. What is left of this stupid girl will always belong to you no matter where I am. And if I don't get out of this phase safetly I want you all to know THAT YOU WERE ALL MY BEST CONSULTS!

I really hope I do not end up killing myself. I do. I want to finish so many things. But me the day I won't be able to stand proudly on my feet will be the day I say goodbye to all of you first. Right now I am just keeping myself san. It's all I want, because what is happening scares me the most.

Your truly,

Gabriele a.k.a. evil_hadgehog

P.S.: I look like a retarded monkey right now...My face is red, swollen and with ugly tear stains.