Courageous Fangs by enigmaticma

Title:  (3/5)

Nice title. It didn’t clash with any other fics as well.

Appearance: (2/5)

The poster is okay, it fits the theme quite nicely. But what got to me was the trailer. I liked it. But it was just too draggy for a trailer. I understand that you want to introduce some of the plot and characters but it pretty much almost told the whole story. Be careful, some readers may be attracted to the trailer, but then you have to make sure the writing is just as nice. So it’s best to keep the plot to yourself.

Description/Foreword: (4/10)

“This is something the law don’t recognize, don’t accept.”

It should be more along the lines of; “They are something the law doesn’t recognize, doesn’t accept.”

Note that ‘vampires’ is in plural form, so it should be either ‘they’ or ‘these’. ‘Something’ could also be replaced with ‘creatures’ or ‘beings’.

“However they got to face serial killer with perfect crime, no evidence, no clues.”

This can be reworded as; “However they had to face a serial killer who has never left any evidence nor clues behind; the perfect crime.”

I should point out that you use lowercase instead if uppercase in some sentences. For instance, TSM elite, TSM Elite would be more appropriate considering that this is a formal name and also to point out that this is an important part of the investigation team.

“Three team of 15 well chosen man. The elite is directing the investigation in Two Kinds:”

It should be; “Three teams of 15 well chosen men. The elite are directing the investigation in three separate movements:” Notice that (if you use Microsoft Word) the ‘is’ after ‘the elite’ is underlined with a green zigzag line. This indicates that it is grammatically incorrect. For an easy solution to green or red or even blue zigzag lines, just right-click on the word and you will be given a suggestion by the word processor of the correct word to use. Easy peasy Japanesey.

The rest is really up to you, but the way you put the quotation mark around the word died just gave everything away. The readers would pretty much know what the story will be about and that wouldn’t be fun, now would it? It’s best to leave your readers guessing rather than giving them everything. Readers will find a description or foreword that is ambiguous more interesting to read and carry on reading the rest of the story.

Plot: (10/25)

The plot of the story seemed to move too fast though there are some parts that dragged. There is no flow in the sequence events and some scenes came off too jumpy and rushed. Also when writing a story make sure to choose only one of the three point of views; first, second or third person. In your fic, you chose to go with the third; however, the third person point of view is divided into three more, subjective where the thoughts of two or more characters are conveyed, objective where the narration is solely based on one character’s thoughts only which makes them oblivious of the others’, and then there is omniscient where the narrator knows everything that all the characters think and feel.

Although you went with third person point of view, there is a mix of all the three types under it. Sometimes you only convey Hyejin’s thoughts and feelings yet when Onew came into the story you conveyed some of his as well. Then you ignore some of the other characters’ thoughts but sometimes you include them. This could confuse the readers so it’s best to stick with one type of pov only.

There are set rules when it comes to writing for example, dialogues. They are usually opened and closed using quotation marks. Please correct your dialogues. Also it is essential that you put the names of the character who said the dialogue before or after they say it. This is so as not to confuse the readers especially at parts where there are five to six people trying to talk at the same time.

You’ve put a lot of effort in writing your fic in a style that you try to make your own. But don’t worry, the more you fail the more you learn. Besides, there aren’t that many fics with elaborate investigation teams faced with vampires now are there?

I’m actually really surprised that you warned the readers about a possible suspect in the author’s note. That’s not a very good approach because you’re basically telling them before they even got to the part of the story where you’re actually supposed to surprise them with this little bit of info. The element of surprise works every time, especially when you leave your readers guessing in every chapter. Cliffhangers are what make a story more fascinating.

Characters: (12/20)

Characterization plays a major role in moving the plot of a story. There is a mention of Hyejin being very observant of details. Remember, this is what makes Hyejin, Hyejin. If she’s very careful and observant make sure she is that way throughout the story. So far there is no inconsistency which is a good sign. But she is very insensitive thus the other guys should be annoyed with her, no?

That leads to the lack of emotions going on in this fic. There are too many dialogues and too many people in a scene. Sometimes focusing on dialogues may give a suspenseful feeling to the story but inserting personal thoughts or emotions could really help boost the mood. Especially at the part where Hyejin found the bomb in Yunho’s car, they didn’t seem to panic and were almost too relaxed. It’s like they know they’re not gonna die. But in fact they didn’t know what could set off the bomb. It was only after Joon diffused it did they find out.

So let’s put it this way, imagine yourself as Hyejin or Yunho, you’re in a car that has a bomb in it. Someone’s trying to kill you. But you don’t know what’s going to set it off, whether you turn the key in the ignition or move around in the seat too much, you don’t know that. Why? Because you’re not the explosives expert. But let’s just say that Hyejin has seen that kind of bomb before and using her super observant skills, she knows that if Yunho starts the car, they’re going to die. See how analyzing the situation with the character is brought into play? This should be useful and may be applied to other than characters too. Consider this a lot when you want to move the story.

Language: (5/15)

Something about the first line really needs to be clarified. Some AFF writers use the word ‘simple’ to describe their characters. Simple is not as simple as it sounds yet it really means simple as it is. What I mean is that when writers use ‘simple’ to describe their characters, it does not deliver the meaning of ‘a plain person’ but instead it actually means ‘a foolish person.’ Keep in mind that introducing someone as a simple person is also another way of saying they’re stupid.

As mentioned before, you tend to mix your upper and lowercase letters. Please take note of this as it plays a very important role in getting the message of the story to the readers. Remember to check for misspellings as well. You don’t want missing letters or misspelled words to annoy your readers away. There are some wrong usages of words too like ‘specialist’ instead of ‘specializes’. In English subject/verb agreement is central in constructing sentences. Keep this in mind.

The same mistakes that writers are inclined to make are repeating the same words in one sentence. Writing is not just about putting down your thoughts on paper or something along the lines. But it is also to improve your vocabulary. Variety of words is important as this would make the reader more likely to read your fics. An easy way out would be the right-click cheat yet again. Just right-click on the word that seems to be repeated over and over again in every single sentence because you can’t think of another word to replace it, and in the mini list of options there should be ‘synonyms’ just hover your mouse over it and it will provide you with synonyms of the selected word. This way not only would you avoid reiterating the same words but it would also help expand your vocabulary. However not all words have synonyms so keep a dictionary by your side just in case.

Ending: (5/10)

Since the fic hasn’t ended yet. Half will be given to fill the quota.

Overall: (7/10)

There aren’t that many investigation fics here on AFF. So gotta hand it to you, it’s not easy introducing a new genre to the AFF community. You just need to tweak it and fix some parts; a beta should be of help.

~~

Total: (48/100)

Crédit to Inkstand Reviews

So MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT:

I am remaking the chapters.