(note: this had came from my blog on tumblr which you can read here. but, I'm just going to post this up for any readers.)

As a young person, I had hell. Of people living on earth, we will expect some sort of struggle in our lives and we just have to keep on fighting but, for some, the struggle may be too hard for them and the only thing that they can do to get out of it is trying to take their own lives, or to self harm themselves to ease their pain. I’m one of those people. I’m the person who had relapsed several times of cutting myself with sharp objects, I’m the person who cries herself to sleep ‘cause no one understands the struggle that I’m going through now. I’m the person who’s in and out of psychiatric wards, I’m the person who experiences highs through lows daily, I’m the person who had starved herself to death, I’m the person who feels like no one doesn’t come to her in need, I’m the person who thinks death is the only solution to life’s hardships, I’m the person who didn’t see any hope for her future, and also, I’m the person who nearly ended her life by hanging herself. I had been through a lot and I always questioned myself…Why am I still here? Was it not my calling to not come home yet? and yet, I’m surprised. Of all harm that I did upon myself, death didn’t come bother me. Why though? All of these questions came inside my mind while I was home alone one day. I was thinking about going through another suicidal plan again since hanging myself had fail and to waste my last hours I decided to listen to some music and then, this song by Big Bang-it’s called “Until Whenever” had came on but, for some strange reason I started crying. The lyrics, I can’t even explain myself here. It was so touching that I put that whole song on replay for the rest of whole day, and I forgot all about my suicidal plan. As I remembered there was one verse that had made me think, that had made me cry…

“I, who even after falling, stood up again at the thought of you…”

I had some sort of connection to this. I (myself) who kept falling from the trials and tribulation I kept getting on my feet again (and again) at the thought of “you”, and that “you” was life. As people say, life is precious, life is short, life is everything so, everyone dies-no matter who you are (a celebrity  idol, philanthropist, etc.) but, enjoy your years. The years of happiness, sadness, excitement, and many more emotions and experiences. Of thinking about “you”, I had to stood up again for her, to try to get through my battles and try to win them, to conquer them all. So, even though I’m at war, hopefully, I can conquer all. So, those few words had give me a another view on my life. I’m not here eternally (wish I was, to be honest) or to live on earth until my time is up… I’m here because I feel like I have a purpose. I don’t know what that purpose is but, I can feel that I’m going to meet that purpose one day, just not today. 

I’m lost at words right now as I’m typing this, all of these emotions and words are fluttering inside my head but, its all cluttered, you know. As I’m fighting my depression and other mental disorders, I’m trying to win my battles. It’s a long road yes, but, it will be a clear, full path once I succeed. As a young woman, I’m so damn proud to be a V.I.P. I feel like this is the best fandom that I ever been in. Such great people, and including five young men with unique personalities, great souls and voices. These five young men had saved my life by one song (which I do believe that song was actually a call for me to not take my own life.)  Music had always reflected and effected my mood from my highs to lows but, music never made me do this-to put a stop to my suicide and just think about my life and struggles. As I’m listening to this song now all I can say is I will wait until whenever….

Wait for Big Bang (bless you all.)

Wait for my beautiful V.I.P’s (you people are just amazing.)

and to wait for myself. (even though I’m going through this hard road, I just have to wait until the storm passes, and cliched as it may sounds…this too shall pass, and it will.)