Review for: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/369042/jealousy-jealousy

 

 

Review

For

Jealousy.

 

Rubrics: 

30% Storyline

20% Grammar

25% Organisation

25% Descrption, Foreword and such

 

Storyline: The storyline isn't detailed and the character isn't even specified. "The monster within" can be more detailed as the monster brings out the strong feelings of jealousy and hatred of the character. If you could have just modified your character in a more detailed manner such as her appearance and the way she behaves, the story might have been better. Eg. "Krystal's palms were sweating as she tightly gripped the knife." "Wet with pespiration, her hair stuck to her neck. Interestingly, she wasn't bothered. All she thought about was unleashing the beast within."

 

So I'm sorry but for this component, you didn't do so well. But for a rookie, it was pretty okay. If you could have just elaborated and told your readers who the character was, it would have gained you more marks.

 

Storyline: 19%

 

Grammar: I'm actually really disappointed in the grammar. The story was just a chunk of words without paragraphing. Most importantly, I saw short forms that should only be used in texts! Some of the sentences are awkward. I saw unnecessary capital letters too. I hope you'd take note of that. 

 

Ways to improve: Cut down on short forms, unnecessary capital letters, phrasing sentences grammatically correctly and please PLEASE do some paragraphing. I'm sorry but this component was one of the ones that you didn't pass.

 

Grammar: 8% 

 

Organisation: By "Organisation" I mean the Organisation of your whole story. I saw that the story has only one tag. Jealousy. Usually, this tag doesn't come out often. And the whole problem with this is: If the people don't search this tag, they won't find your story, will they? I suggest you put more tags in. Which is also why I told you that your character should be specified.

 

Organisation is important and I hope you will take more effort in thinking for it and planning it out first, before you start your story. This is a very important component. You cannot afford to lose out in potential readers. 

 

Organisation: 13%

 

Description, Foreword, Title: The most important thing in a story is where the first sight of the story will let the reader feel like pressing the link. If your reader isn't attracted to the story's first image, he/she might not even press the link.

 

As you can see, your description looks hasty and overly excited. As a first time writer, some people make the mistake of USING CAPS FOR THE WHOLE DESCRIPTION. Which in telling you, isn't a good thing. It makes you look inexperienced and the story too rude and immature. 

 

The next point is that in your foreword, you said that "this story is about how jealousy can change someone's life" I didn't see that part in the story. You only wrote that she killed her sister and got arrested. How did her life change? Your description also says that you were bored and made this because of an exam. When you wrote that you were bored, it shows you insincerity in writing the story. What did you mean by you wrote it because if an exam? I didn't understand that. Your title says JEALOUSY. Why is it in CAPS?! No. You shouldn't do that. If you want to create the feeling of curiosity of knowing what happens in the story, you should have wrote something like "Jealousy..." Or "How Jealousy Changed A Life". You could have done better.

 

Description, Foreword, Title: 12%

 

 

Conclusion:

Looking at your story, you definitely have potential. With the correct guidelines, the story could have been so much better. If you would just improve on the planning, this story would have been a big success. 

 

Total: 52%

Just passed. Could have done better (⌒▽⌒)