I had been dying to confess this - my story - to someone. Anyone. Anywhere.

But now that I found a very somewhat caring community - which turned out to be AFF, I regained my confidence. 

At least now, I found somewhere. Someone to tell.

Listen to my story, if you will and if you love to. If you don't want to then better don't land your eyes on this, I don't want to waste your time.

So this is my story:

There once this guy named F. To be honest, he entered my life when I turned eleven - being a little girl. Yeah, I don't deny it, my first impression of him was nothing but as an extremely skinny boy that has a huge and heavy-like bag. I thought of nothing that time but I was scared if he's smart, I was extremely frightened if someone might be smarter than I am. I love it though, but I was somewhat afraid if he might challenge me in my studies.

But that's not the point.

You know, when I was eleven, I wasn't really interested in boys like YET. I didn't thought of him at all - not until something happened.

I was playing and goofing with my close - extremely close girlfriends and when someone threw a bottle at the direction of us.(which I know from a bunch of naughty boys) Luckily, we didn't get hit apparently and I'm the only person who saw the bottle. And I was in my childish thoughts, without hesitant I just threw the bottle towards the boys back and unfortunately....

It hit F right on his face. And he cried. (It wasn't my fault okay, it was an accident!)

I felt terribly sorry that time and yeah, being in the alter ego of mine, I will not ever stand up to say sorry. 

But oh well, that's just it. And then, we have a class later in the evening and the teacher arranged our seats and I was located by the back of the class. And I was sitting behind F. I felt very guilty that time, I wanted to say sorry but then he just tilted his head and smile to me. And he just started to have a casual conversation with me, just like I didn't do anything wrong. It was weird, you would've understand me. I made him cry and he didn't get angry at all. He even smiled.

Weird.

And since then we became best friends. Very close best friends. He told me most of things - his favourite stuff, hobby, siblings and life. He even told some horror movies by making scary faces at me, boasting as if he was the smartest kid in the class and notice my habit of biting the end of a pencil. (I don't do that anymore XD) He was somekind of observant, I thought, and we're really close. 

But then one day, he asked me a question that I had never thought he would ask : "Who is your crush?"

I was crushing on someone by that time, and I was very hesitant to answer it. Honestly, who will? Especially when it was a guy who asked that? But I told it to him - because I trust him fully. He is my best friend and I trust him with all my might. I told him the truth. Clearly. And I told him to keep it as a secret.

But beyond my expectations, that time, after I told him that, he became cold for some unknown reason. He didn't talk to me as much as he would've before I told him the truth. I could still remember the boring look in his eyes and he started to absent in school frequently.

It was weird actually. Very weird.

But in like a few days later, my best friend (my best girl friend) revealed her secret that she was crushing on someone - which turned out to be my crush. I didn't tell anything to her that both of us were crushing on the same guy and I don't know why - I have been so nice that I tried and forced myself to forget about my crush, to stop crushing on him - for the sake of my friend. And slowly, as the time passes, I did it. The feelings just slowly faded away that I finally don't like him at all - and he was just nothing more but a fellow friend of mine.

And right in the same evening, F attended the class and he asked me with a nervous look on his face. It was very surprising since he didn't talk to me for a while.

"Minny?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you still crushing on A?"

I shrugged at the question without looking at him. 

"No. Why?"

Then, I look at him. And I could still remember the look on his face - he was somewhat surprised and his face lit up.

"Really?" he asked me again.

"Yeah, duh," I mocked, getting annoyed for some reason. "Why?"

"Nothing," and he tilted his back to his front with a smile on his face.

He was weird. Certainly weird. How could he suddenly smile?

And after that, everything comes back to normal - he talked to me and stuff and yeah... it was perfect as usual.

But that's when I was eleven. And a year passed without us noticing.

When I was twelve, both of us were separated according to our hierarchy in class. I didn't get as close to him as how I was before. But we're still best friends - being in different classes doesn't broke our freindship.

Until one day, I received something. A chocolate. A bar of chocolate that was located secretly under my table. I was surprised, "Who would ever give me some chocolates for no reason? It was not my birthday anyway." I thought of nothing but thinking that it was a mistake. Like it was someone's birthday and the person might probably thought that my table as the birthday person's. So then I just asked to the whole class, "Who's birthday on today?" But apparently, no one said yes. There was no one's birthday that time. It was weird, how could I receive the chocolate? 

I then showed it to my group of girl friends and they said, "Of course! I know who gave it! It was your secret admirer of course!" "Hey, Minny is getting popular nowadays..." "Wait, maybe F gave it to you?"

I stared. No way F gave it to me. If it was really him then he would've hand it to me face to face, we're close right? He shouldn't have been so secretive or shy, right?

But what I didn't expect, my best friend asked the girls of the other class if they might seen F holding something. And they said, "Yeah, F had been bragging about a chocolate bar and he was boasting like a crazy person. We even asked if we could have it - even the boys - but he answered, 'No, you can't! This is for someone else - someone special' and he kept it in his bag once again." I was there at that time and I just simply showed them the chocolate, "This?"

"Oh my goodness, Minny, that's it! That is the chocolate! We could still remember it clearly!"

"Wait..... does this mean.... F is crushing on Minny?" They smirked at me.

I turned red. "No way! We're just friends - best friends and no more than that!"

Just to know truth, I walked up to him and asked him, who was sitting at the corner of the building, "Did you-"

"Just take it. It's yours, really."

He answered it too loudly that the girls could hear his voice and they were squealing like, "Oh my god!" "Minny has a boyfriend~" and yeah. (I don't want to elaborate more)

And I was like, "Oh?" And I just eat it normally.

But now that both of us growing up, I was confused. He kept on giving me chocolates and stuffs, he closed the light when I was sleeping and the boys - F's friend - told me that F was crushing on me. I don't believe it at first but.... I-I don't know what to say.

He also waited for me to exit the class just to gave some sweets to me and he kept on flashing his smile to me.

I don't know what to say but... is it true? Does he really crushing on me?

And I...

I was even confused with my feelings. He was just my best friend, right? Do I have a crush on him.... or just even a little? Do I... accept him just more than a friend? More than a best friend? Or was it me who just afraid, a freak who was scared to confront my own feelings?

If only could ask a question to life I would just ask,

"What is love?"

But how shameful, that I was not lucky enough. If only life could answer it.