Have you ever had a secret you wish you could tell, but you know you can't? The things is, I don't live with people where it's necessarily safe to say it; there's always that fear in these instances unless one lives in a home who always promoted a safe haven that they'll be kicked out, and it hurts. I've been threatened it plenty of times without them knowing, besides.

Because most of the people who are going to see this read , I figure it's safe to say this here, and even if not I just really need to say this in a place my family can't see.

I'm panual, which basically means I don't think about the or gender of a person. The thing is, to me, you love a person for them, not their s. Whether you're male, female, inter, transgender-- whatever. I'd be loving you for your personality, for how you make me feel, not for what's in your pants or shirt, or what was.

I don't have parents very accepting. I've always supported homouality, but I came to the conclusion on my own; my mom and dad never really gave much comment on it when I was really little, so my interest had had me watching documentaries at ages I know for a fact are less than 12 or 13 because that's when I started reading/watching (manga/anime). However, off my tangent, my step-mom is very vocal about her dislike. I can recall quite clearly two instances that give me the most fear on their own; no she's not"kill the gays" bad. However, she once related about when some gay couples moved in a couple streets away... and LAUGHED as she revealed that none of the kids were allowed to trick-or-treat there. Or when she found out I was teaching my sisters to not discriminate (race, gender, disabiltiy, ual orientation-- ALL discrimination is wrong) ; she got so angry... I'm not very good at explaining emotions like those but the adjective I want to use is "violently". It was only words but she was so... mad. Because I'm teaching my sisters right, she threatened that I "better not be teaching my sister homouality was okay in her house."

But the things is, I see nothing wrong with being gay. I denied my uality foolishly for so long despite my support of gay rights, but once I said to myself "I'm panual" I felt... lighter? And you know what, I'm 18 but I'm just now having my first crush. I wish there was a Kpop idol I could compare her to so you could get an idea of her personality, but she's really just one of a kind (yessir). (What really is that her girlfriend just broke up with her; it was easier when she was dating someone T___T).

Most of the Kpop idols I like are males, so it's easy for me to share pictures of them on Facebook and fangirl. I don't need to censor myself because the judgement I'm going to get for being too obsessed is nothing compared to if I give in and say the same things about the female celebrities I like (Amber is my ultimate female bias <3 She's perfect; and then FIESTAR's Cheska). The only member of SNSD I know is Sunny, and while I do listen to them I don't really follow them? (^my favorite girl groups are, if it's not obvious, f(x) and FIESTAR). So when I came across Yuri's teaser on Tumblr I posted it to Facebook and asked my sone friends who she was... all the while toning myself down from how I would've spoken if I was sharing a picture of a male celebrity.

I don't want to have to do this anymore, but my job can't support me if I have all these other bills on top of my car insurance and gas (trust, I've done the math), so I can't come out just yet. I don't know if this'll be the final straw and I'll get that "OUT" I've been threatened with time and again over the last few months (I know she'll do it; she did to her own kids and I'm just her boyfriend's daughter). My sisters know; most of my friends do. But I don't... see the problem with being gay. I want to fangirl over female celebrities, talk about my first crush like my sister can hers. But I can't, not until I move out. I'm shy, so it's going to be hard to find another job (I'm EXTREMELY lucky I got the one I have), but hopefully by the end of next year I'll be out.

I don't know if anyone's actually going to read this, but if you read everything, thank you for listening. :c I just really needed to say... something before everything became too much.