Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. For those who don't know, which should be everyone cause I haven't said anything about it on here, I stayed home from school today. I'm not sick, it was more like I think I'm about to have a mental breakdown I should just stay home and see if I'm just overtired....slept the whole day. Verdict : Being overtired has nothing to do with it. I still feel so gaah. I'm in my final year of high school and I hoped to be graduating early, but looks like I'm stuck for another semester. Not only that but I still have NO idea what I want to do with my life.  My friend Bekah and I were looking at college/university applications and I picked up 4 applications. One for a school where I want to take Asian studies, one where I want to take theater for their screenplay writing course, a random one I picked up because it was the same name of a Kpop group(I thought in light of the situation I would add some comic relief for myself), and a massage college. I really have no idea... School is hard enough as it is right now without having to worry about more school. English is hell, my Lit Arts teacher is out of his mind, and I have a Global Economics midterm in like 3 weeks. Ask me the definition of Economic and this would be me "O.O..."

Not only is school about to make my brain explode, but also friends and family. FRIENDS. Do I really have any? I spend my time at home sleeping, watching movies, listening to music, writing fanfiction. When a friend calls me to hang out, which is rare, I die a little cause I really don't want to. It's not that I don't love the friends I have, I really do, I just don't think any of them actually love me back. I can't think of one that I would truly open myself up to and tell them all my problems and frustrations. It used to be that whenever I felt terrible I would tell the people that I knew didn't give a rats , the people who would text me at four o'clock in the morning about their problems and no matter how tired I was I would comfort them, just because I know they don't actually care. I think I did that because I didn't want to find that I was wrong about the people I thought maybe actually cared. 

Family is next on the list of things that are driving me insane. Now family is allowed to drive you up the wall every now and again, but this is way more than it's suppose to. My youngest sister is going through her teenage emotional rebellious stage and she's always fighting with my other sister or my mom and I REALLY hate confrontation, it seriously makes me sick to my stomach. It's been  going on for a while so it isn't really the main reason for my family portion of my mental meltdown. Lately I've actually been doing my chores, along with my sisters chores. My sisters don't do (sorry for my french), and my mom has been in 4 car accidents, always in pain, and trying to detox at the moments so I understand why she can't really do anything. The only problem I have with this is that I'm hearing three words a little too much and I'm starting to doubt the meaning. I love you. We all  know it's suppose to mean, but I find a double meaning when my family says it. It's not 'I love you' for the meaning it is suppose to be it's an 'I love you' YAY! You're doing work now I don't have to, a selfish 'I love you'.

Gah this ramble is going on and on. I still have so much more to say, but I should go to bed before the overtiredness comes back and just does me in. For those who have read this you must be really bored and I'm sorry you had to read all this.
Other than that...I'm going to go to bed.
I'll probably wake up tomorrow, re-read this, remember how much it didn't help, and delete the post. 
Then try to write the next part of my Junhyung fanfiction...